I live in this part of the world where people get scared when they're happy...
Whenever they enjoy their time, whenever they feel really happy deep down, they'd say "Allah yestor" (may God save us from what may come).. Every feeling of happiness comes with a fear that what will come is definitely worse, that they ought to be punished for this feeling.. As if happiness can only be fulfilled in the dark alleys, at late hours of the night when everybody else is asleep, and noone there to witness.. As if the only safe place to be happy is in your closet, or in the basement.. And the best time is almost never..
I live in this part of the world where people feel they should steal happy moments that they're not entitled to live.. That they should secretly enjoy life, and never let anyone know it.. That they should never show any desires, and try to kill any pleasure they would have..
Yes, I live in this part of the world where people are afraid from the sun, afraid from feeling warm, afraid from enjoying the fresh breeze.. Where people try to burry their dreams and their hopes under the rugs.. Where you wipe off your real smile by a fake laugh..
It's in this part of the world where happiness is a crime.. Pleasure is a sin.. And dreams are nothing but foolish games to be thrown away.. Where insanity doesn't even make sense..
12.29.2008
12.27.2008
T.A.N.G.O
Trying to pull closer, yet
Away we remain
Never on the same beat
Going each on his own way
Overwhelmed by shiny lights
Tango, we dance..
Away we remain
Never on the same beat
Going each on his own way
Overwhelmed by shiny lights
Tango, we dance..
12.25.2008
Homecoming!
The journey started as we were running away from the night.. It was just crawling behind us, and the captain of the ship tried to speed as much as possible, and we stayed there for awhile, hanging on between the the day and the night, until, all of a sudden, it got completely dark.. As if the night was fed up with us trying to play with our little aircraft, thinking we could beat the time, thinking we could be the night..
So we landed, on a very dark night, quite cold one too.. And I realized that darkness is not as scary as it may seem.. In its own way, it gives you the sense of protection.. Along with the sense of apprehension, you cannot help but feeling that it's safe to be the real you out there.. In the dark, where nobody can truly see you.. I held the bag in one hand, my fears and my dreams in the second one.. And I walked into a city with a soul of its own.. A city I've never been to before, yet, cannot but seem very familiar.. And I knew I'm coming home..
So we landed, on a very dark night, quite cold one too.. And I realized that darkness is not as scary as it may seem.. In its own way, it gives you the sense of protection.. Along with the sense of apprehension, you cannot help but feeling that it's safe to be the real you out there.. In the dark, where nobody can truly see you.. I held the bag in one hand, my fears and my dreams in the second one.. And I walked into a city with a soul of its own.. A city I've never been to before, yet, cannot but seem very familiar.. And I knew I'm coming home..
12.14.2008
Walking Away
This is the first time I start writing by starting with the title. I always leave it to the end.. This time, there's nothing different about my life.. I guess there isn't anything new about yours either.. And even when there is, whether it's a joy or a sorrow, you remain yourself.. Broken into millions of pieces, and just trying to pretend you're an entity..
We're nothing but scatters in this universe.. Me, you and her.. Maybe there are those lucky few who figured it out.. But the rest of us are just standing here.. Next to me, lost in a universe they still can't get familiar with.. Lost in days that seem to be new, but are all the same.. Lost in this loop of emptiness.. Lost in translation perhaps..
We're nothing but scatters of universe.. Blown together, sometimes to the left.. Sometimes to the right.. And at the best of our times, we believe for few seconds that we figured it out, that we have a clue.. Then we look at the crowd around to realize that we're all nothing but scatters, lost in this loop that we call universe.. And we all think, for few seconds, that we figured it out..
And.. I'm walking away..
I'm sailing away..
We're nothing but scatters in this universe.. Me, you and her.. Maybe there are those lucky few who figured it out.. But the rest of us are just standing here.. Next to me, lost in a universe they still can't get familiar with.. Lost in days that seem to be new, but are all the same.. Lost in this loop of emptiness.. Lost in translation perhaps..
We're nothing but scatters of universe.. Blown together, sometimes to the left.. Sometimes to the right.. And at the best of our times, we believe for few seconds that we figured it out, that we have a clue.. Then we look at the crowd around to realize that we're all nothing but scatters, lost in this loop that we call universe.. And we all think, for few seconds, that we figured it out..
And.. I'm walking away..
I'm sailing away..
12.03.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - VII
As Magenta was fading away, little light bulbs started emerging, creating one big curtain of dim light bulbs.. And, even though I normally don't use bad language, I couldn't help myself, I started swearing in so many languages.. I was hoping, even if for few seconds, I'd get to see the stars, I'd get to see the universe.. But maybe Lala Land is not part of a universe, is simply an entity by itself, without having to be part of something bigger. Maybe LaLa land is not even round.. But I miss the stars, I miss dreaming that far away lay all my dreams, and all my hopes.. And now all I have are those stupid light bulbs staring at me, telling me to go home.. Or to whatever it is that I have here..
CouCou on the other hand seems to have liked the word "SHIT" and he kept repeating it all the way back to my place. And just before I walk into my room, I turned to CouCou, and laughed. This was the first time I laugh on LaLa Land, first time I feel alive here, but it never felt more lonely, before I knew there were prototypes just like me. But now I'm a lonely Stella, with no one except CouCou to let me know I exist. I turned to CouCou and said:
- You know CouCou, you don't really have to stay.. You can leave if you want, just fly away..
He stood there staring back at me, so I insisted:
- I'll give you few more minutes to think about it, I'm serious, you can leave. You're free CouCou, you can leave me anytime you want
and CouCou replied:
- No I want to stay!
I was shocked, because it seemed as if CouCou meant it, as if he could really talk and think, but then I tried to reason, and it is possible that I taught him this word back on Earth. Which seemed even more pathetic, so I decided to be more optimistic and consider CouCou as a thinking creature, so I said:
- Well, suit yourself, but now you're stuck with me forever!
- "SHIT!" he replied.
I laughed and said: "yeah, well you are definitely a reasonable creature!"
As I opened the door to my room, on of my favorite songs sounded out. It was Franky singing to me and CouCou: "Fly me to the moon, and let me sing among the stars.. let me see what spring is like, on a.. Jupiter a Mars.."
And I danced the "light bulbs" away..
CouCou on the other hand seems to have liked the word "SHIT" and he kept repeating it all the way back to my place. And just before I walk into my room, I turned to CouCou, and laughed. This was the first time I laugh on LaLa Land, first time I feel alive here, but it never felt more lonely, before I knew there were prototypes just like me. But now I'm a lonely Stella, with no one except CouCou to let me know I exist. I turned to CouCou and said:
- You know CouCou, you don't really have to stay.. You can leave if you want, just fly away..
He stood there staring back at me, so I insisted:
- I'll give you few more minutes to think about it, I'm serious, you can leave. You're free CouCou, you can leave me anytime you want
and CouCou replied:
- No I want to stay!
I was shocked, because it seemed as if CouCou meant it, as if he could really talk and think, but then I tried to reason, and it is possible that I taught him this word back on Earth. Which seemed even more pathetic, so I decided to be more optimistic and consider CouCou as a thinking creature, so I said:
- Well, suit yourself, but now you're stuck with me forever!
- "SHIT!" he replied.
I laughed and said: "yeah, well you are definitely a reasonable creature!"
As I opened the door to my room, on of my favorite songs sounded out. It was Franky singing to me and CouCou: "Fly me to the moon, and let me sing among the stars.. let me see what spring is like, on a.. Jupiter a Mars.."
And I danced the "light bulbs" away..
11.30.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - VI
Dear Diary,
As I walked around LaLa Land, feeling enlightened, I decided I'm no longer aiming to become a girl, being an enlightened prototype made me feel complete, made me feel that becoming a girl was only the logical next step for those who didn't know better. And now, I know better!
My first decision was to pick a name for myself, and for the parrot as well. Now that I have someone who could call my name, I should pick a name I'd like to hear. It's not easy to pick a name, it's something that will stick with you for the rest of your life, it's who you will be from now on. That was a tough decision!
It still is a tough decision, since I haven't figured out yet what to call myself. Maybe, Stella.. It was a name I used to like, and I used for a while during my life on Earth. Yes the voices told me my life on Earth didn't exist, but it did. I was there, but I'm here today! And that's what they meant, that what really matters is TODAY, right where I stand. Today, I stand on the edge of the world, Lala's world, in a magenta sky, with a color fading slowly and slowly, announcing the end of the day..
I never knew what the sky looked like when the day ended, so I stood there, with Coucou on my shoulder, gazing at a sky that can never become familiar, fading away into what I will soon discover..
As I walked around LaLa Land, feeling enlightened, I decided I'm no longer aiming to become a girl, being an enlightened prototype made me feel complete, made me feel that becoming a girl was only the logical next step for those who didn't know better. And now, I know better!
My first decision was to pick a name for myself, and for the parrot as well. Now that I have someone who could call my name, I should pick a name I'd like to hear. It's not easy to pick a name, it's something that will stick with you for the rest of your life, it's who you will be from now on. That was a tough decision!
It still is a tough decision, since I haven't figured out yet what to call myself. Maybe, Stella.. It was a name I used to like, and I used for a while during my life on Earth. Yes the voices told me my life on Earth didn't exist, but it did. I was there, but I'm here today! And that's what they meant, that what really matters is TODAY, right where I stand. Today, I stand on the edge of the world, Lala's world, in a magenta sky, with a color fading slowly and slowly, announcing the end of the day..
I never knew what the sky looked like when the day ended, so I stood there, with Coucou on my shoulder, gazing at a sky that can never become familiar, fading away into what I will soon discover..
11.25.2008
There goes my heart..
There he stood in the hallway of my hollow heart; Hesitating to move forward, but too late to go back.. And I couldn't even invite him in either. It was too late to ask him to go back, but I'm not sure I'd want him in either.
My hollow heart was just full of crap nowadays, I wasn't sure he'd fit in anyway. Where does he stand from all this nonsense that goes inside my head? Where do I stand from all this void that keeps growing bigger and bigger?
The thing about void is that it's just as filling as all the other crap in the world, it's an emptiness that leaves absolutely no space for anything else, let alone anyone else, not even your own self!
And it just grows bigger..
My hollow heart was just full of crap nowadays, I wasn't sure he'd fit in anyway. Where does he stand from all this nonsense that goes inside my head? Where do I stand from all this void that keeps growing bigger and bigger?
The thing about void is that it's just as filling as all the other crap in the world, it's an emptiness that leaves absolutely no space for anything else, let alone anyone else, not even your own self!
And it just grows bigger..
11.21.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - V
Since it's been a while that I left this Diary, I feel it's important to remind myself of where I last stopped:
..."Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"
And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"
<<<<<< Dear Diary,
That was the defining moment of my life, the moment where I chose that AGONY might have the real joys of life, at least for me. The moment where I decided not to limit myself with common sense, since anyway, I was always senseless to the common.
And as my common sense was telling me to walk away from the room, and from the voice, I knew, in my crazy distorted logic, that I have to go in. That it's time to meet my fears, to meet those thoughts that were controlling my life, those standards set by "them". It's time to meet "them". So I walked in.
I don't know if my general sense of dark humor that made me laugh, or if it was just my greatest disappointment acting up! I expected to walk into something scary, and I walked in to find a parrot. A beautiful parrot, a colorful one if I may say. I've never seen on LaLa land any other form of living creatures. It was just a parrot making me live the illusion of life here, and the memory of life there.
I thought I existed, back on Earth. I still think I exist here on LaLa Land, but is this reason enough to mean that I'm really here? That I was really there?
I asked the Parrot, but apparently, he never had any answers, he only had these last words: "I'm not here to answer new questions, I'm here to remind you of your own old answers".. He reminded me of nothing! Except, perhaps, that trip to the zoo. I still can't tell if it was on Earth, or if it was here..
But since my common sense was guiding me to dig more and more about the parrot, I decided to let it go, follow my madness, and just take the parrot as it is, put it on my shoulder, take a deep breath and step out of the room..
..."Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"
And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"
<<<<<< Dear Diary,
That was the defining moment of my life, the moment where I chose that AGONY might have the real joys of life, at least for me. The moment where I decided not to limit myself with common sense, since anyway, I was always senseless to the common.
And as my common sense was telling me to walk away from the room, and from the voice, I knew, in my crazy distorted logic, that I have to go in. That it's time to meet my fears, to meet those thoughts that were controlling my life, those standards set by "them". It's time to meet "them". So I walked in.
I don't know if my general sense of dark humor that made me laugh, or if it was just my greatest disappointment acting up! I expected to walk into something scary, and I walked in to find a parrot. A beautiful parrot, a colorful one if I may say. I've never seen on LaLa land any other form of living creatures. It was just a parrot making me live the illusion of life here, and the memory of life there.
I thought I existed, back on Earth. I still think I exist here on LaLa Land, but is this reason enough to mean that I'm really here? That I was really there?
I asked the Parrot, but apparently, he never had any answers, he only had these last words: "I'm not here to answer new questions, I'm here to remind you of your own old answers".. He reminded me of nothing! Except, perhaps, that trip to the zoo. I still can't tell if it was on Earth, or if it was here..
But since my common sense was guiding me to dig more and more about the parrot, I decided to let it go, follow my madness, and just take the parrot as it is, put it on my shoulder, take a deep breath and step out of the room..
I turned my back, and stepped into a world of magenta sky, with the parrot on my shoulder..
11.20.2008
A.B.S.U.R.D
It's raining today, the winter took a bit of time to come this year, it's slightly cold, but deep inside, it just feels colder and colder than every other year.
What I like most about the weather is that it's always the greatest material to start a topic, in my case today, to start a feeling, to develop a dream.. Perhaps, to fall in love as well. Perhaps to just have something to talk about.. Anything to live for, anything to die for...
Actually, I'm not really looking anymore for any reason for any.. Not everything in life needs to be justified. I live, I die, I didn't need a reason to breathe in the first place, why would I need one now? And when I die, it wouldn't be my choice either, so again, why waste time finding reasons for that? Why waste time pushing meanings into what completely was, and will always be ABSURD!
What I like most about the weather is that it's always the greatest material to start a topic, in my case today, to start a feeling, to develop a dream.. Perhaps, to fall in love as well. Perhaps to just have something to talk about.. Anything to live for, anything to die for...
Actually, I'm not really looking anymore for any reason for any.. Not everything in life needs to be justified. I live, I die, I didn't need a reason to breathe in the first place, why would I need one now? And when I die, it wouldn't be my choice either, so again, why waste time finding reasons for that? Why waste time pushing meanings into what completely was, and will always be ABSURD!
من؟
من ؟
سيحتوي أزماتك ، ويعيد إبتساماتك
و يكون "المايسترو" الذي يقود عجقة حياتك ؟
من سيوصلك الى حلبة الصراع! منتصرةً سلفاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
سيقاوم ضعفك، ويحتويه بحنان وصدق !
ويغرقك بكلمات الحب دون البوح بها
من سيتهاوى على جسدك الرقيق، كفراشة تداعب بجناحيها ورق الياسمين
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
يعرف لحظات جنونك وسكونك
وفي غيابك يفتقد وجودك؟ وفي حضرتك يستأنس
من سيرتقي بك لحدود الغيم، حيث النجوم تتدلى مصابيح للكون
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
سيفرض عليك قوانينه ، وتقبلين بها
من سيخترق أفكارك ويعرفها قبل أن تصل لإدراكك
ويلعب بمشاعرك، كعازف الكمنجة الحزين.
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
سيستفز كبرياءك، ويستنفر طاقاتك، لإثبات ذاتك؟
من سيكون الربان لحياتك، وقائد جيوش القوات الخاصة لمحاربة أعدائك؟
من سيملأ قلبك بأغاني الشوق، ومشاعر لم يشعر نها حالم
من سيداهم أوهامك، ويقلبها واقعاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل!
بقلم هاني زيادة
سيحتوي أزماتك ، ويعيد إبتساماتك
و يكون "المايسترو" الذي يقود عجقة حياتك ؟
من سيوصلك الى حلبة الصراع! منتصرةً سلفاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
سيقاوم ضعفك، ويحتويه بحنان وصدق !
ويغرقك بكلمات الحب دون البوح بها
من سيتهاوى على جسدك الرقيق، كفراشة تداعب بجناحيها ورق الياسمين
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
يعرف لحظات جنونك وسكونك
وفي غيابك يفتقد وجودك؟ وفي حضرتك يستأنس
من سيرتقي بك لحدود الغيم، حيث النجوم تتدلى مصابيح للكون
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
سيفرض عليك قوانينه ، وتقبلين بها
من سيخترق أفكارك ويعرفها قبل أن تصل لإدراكك
ويلعب بمشاعرك، كعازف الكمنجة الحزين.
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !
من؟
سيستفز كبرياءك، ويستنفر طاقاتك، لإثبات ذاتك؟
من سيكون الربان لحياتك، وقائد جيوش القوات الخاصة لمحاربة أعدائك؟
من سيملأ قلبك بأغاني الشوق، ومشاعر لم يشعر نها حالم
من سيداهم أوهامك، ويقلبها واقعاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل!
بقلم هاني زيادة
11.11.2008
A Shooting Star..
It's been a really long time I haven't experienced little girls' excitement over what may seem not so interesting events, but that would mean the world to them..
Yesterday, I saw a shooting star.. I don't recall if I made any wishes, maybe I did as a first reaction, but it's not about ceasing the opportunity to try to push your wish around the universe; it's about that little hope only a dying star can give you..
My shooting star was so fast like a glimpse of an eye, so quick that for a second there I thought it's only an optical illusion. But deep inside, right there in the back of my mind, I knew I saw it, moreover I knew I need to believe in it. I need to believe that some things don't happen on a daily basis, not even annually, but eventually, one day they will happen. One day I will happen.
My shooting star came at one of the moments when I use the darkness to hide my tears, when I crawl in the backseat of a car, holding my fragile soul in my hands, and offering it to the wind of the unknown growing stronger with the speed of the driver.. And my fragile soul shaking, and just as I was putting my hands out of the window, to let the stream take it away, along with everything else, a star decided to die.. A shooting star decided to save my soul, to let me know that it will happen, that I will happen.
So I took my soul back, my fragile soul. Looked back at the sky, perhaps hoping for another star to fall off, but I knew I shouldn't push my luck that much..
So I turned my eyes back on the road, that long road ahead of me...
Yesterday, I saw a shooting star.. I don't recall if I made any wishes, maybe I did as a first reaction, but it's not about ceasing the opportunity to try to push your wish around the universe; it's about that little hope only a dying star can give you..
My shooting star was so fast like a glimpse of an eye, so quick that for a second there I thought it's only an optical illusion. But deep inside, right there in the back of my mind, I knew I saw it, moreover I knew I need to believe in it. I need to believe that some things don't happen on a daily basis, not even annually, but eventually, one day they will happen. One day I will happen.
My shooting star came at one of the moments when I use the darkness to hide my tears, when I crawl in the backseat of a car, holding my fragile soul in my hands, and offering it to the wind of the unknown growing stronger with the speed of the driver.. And my fragile soul shaking, and just as I was putting my hands out of the window, to let the stream take it away, along with everything else, a star decided to die.. A shooting star decided to save my soul, to let me know that it will happen, that I will happen.
So I took my soul back, my fragile soul. Looked back at the sky, perhaps hoping for another star to fall off, but I knew I shouldn't push my luck that much..
So I turned my eyes back on the road, that long road ahead of me...
11.07.2008
Google ME..
No, not the Middle East.. ME, as in myself..
No, not my name either..
Not my achievements.. Not my failures..
Just me..
Google me, and find me..
Find me what I want..
Find me what I feel..
Browse through my options..
Check my potential..
Explore my dreams..
Unveil my future..
Look through my past..
Google me
And tell me where you find me..
Tell me what you see of me..
Tell me what's left of me..
No, not my name either..
Not my achievements.. Not my failures..
Just me..
Google me, and find me..
Find me what I want..
Find me what I feel..
Browse through my options..
Check my potential..
Explore my dreams..
Unveil my future..
Look through my past..
Google me
And tell me where you find me..
Tell me what you see of me..
Tell me what's left of me..
In a world no longer mine..
And I can see myself, barely moving.. Just like those slow motion scenes in the movie "The Matrix", I move ahead slowly towards my greatest crash against the world.. A world no longer mine.. And as I collide, the shock wave blows me further and further away.. Almost, just almost to where I want to be.. But not quite there yet..
Stuck in the middle of nonchalance and absence.. Where nothing ever needs to have any meaning, and a day never needs to have a tomorrow.. Just with no dreams, and no memories, watching myself, barely moving.. In a world, no longer mine.. In a world that never was mine..
Stuck in the middle of nonchalance and absence.. Where nothing ever needs to have any meaning, and a day never needs to have a tomorrow.. Just with no dreams, and no memories, watching myself, barely moving.. In a world, no longer mine.. In a world that never was mine..
10.24.2008
Planetary Tour..
This used to be my place when I want to scream.. I climb up the ladder and sit at the edge of the Moon.. But whenever I settle down, and get ready to shout, I noticed that huge blue ball, and just think how amazing it is to have your entire world at the size of a football, and that you feel you can just kick it anytime you like..
This used to be my place when I want to think.. I'd jump off the moon to land on Mars, and just take a walk, exploring the wilderness where nothing wild exists, except my thoughts..
And that one right there is where the heart is, on the dark side of Uranus, hiding away under the blue, burdened with all the sadness in the world, with all the fears, all the worry, but more with all the joy and all the love in it..
Can you see that little one right there? The one with the big hallow around it? That's where the dreams are, with a shock-wave around them to protect them from reality.. on Saturn..
And Jupiter, just between my thoughts and my dreams, standing there holding my confusion.. That's where I go when I want to enjoy the beauty of feeling completely clueless and lost..
There's Venus too for feeling clueless, but it's mostly to feel a girl.. It's good from time to time to feel girly..
Mercury just ahead Venus, is for serenity, is when you know you're almost there..
Neptune, the other blue ball next to Uranus, that's my peace of mind there..
But can you see Pluto out there? The furthest of them all? Yes that little deserted ball in the end! That's where I take you!! Beyond my success (Mercury), beyond my silliness (Venus), beyond my world (Earth), beyond my frustration (moon), beyond my thoughts (Mars), beyond my fears (Jupiter), beyond my dreams (Saturn), beyond my heart (Uranus), my coward heart (the dark side of Uranus), and my peace of mind (Neptune).. That's where I take you..
10.23.2008
حنين إلى نفسي
أتوق إلى الجنون الذي لن أعيشه إلا معك، أتوق إلى هذا الشعور بألم المعدة، كما لو أن أعضائي الداخلية تتضخم و تتضخم حتى يكاد قفصي الصدري يتفكك، كما لو أن عظامي تُسحق تحت خفة مشاعري.. هذا الشعور بالتحرر، هذا الشعور بأن رئتاي لا تؤدي وظائفها الحيوية إلا قربك.. بأن الحياة لا تبدأ إلا حين تطل عبر ذلك الباب الذي أقضي الصباح كله أراقبه، و لا تكتمل معانيها إلا حين ترفع رأسك لتلاحظني.. هذا الشعور بأنك الوحيد الذي تستطيع أن توقف دورات عقلي، ليعيش كل شيء آخر فيّ
أتوق إلى هذا الحب الذي لن أعيشه إلا لك، إلى سعادتي بانعدام كياني كلما تدير ظهرك لتخرج عبر الباب ذاته الذي يبدأ عبره وجودي، إلى إحساسي بالاكتمال حين تقبل يداي، و نشوتي بتلعثمي حين أحاول أن أبادلك أطراف الحديث
أتوق إلى حين كنت امرأة و ليس مجرد آلة تتحكم بجميع أحاسيسها و أفكارها و أحلامها.. إلى حين لم يكن هناك إحساسٌ إلا لك، و أفكارٌ سوى عنك، و أحلامٌ إلا معك.. أتوق إليها و أشتاق إليك و أحنّ إليّ
أتوق إلى هذا الحب الذي لن أعيشه إلا لك، إلى سعادتي بانعدام كياني كلما تدير ظهرك لتخرج عبر الباب ذاته الذي يبدأ عبره وجودي، إلى إحساسي بالاكتمال حين تقبل يداي، و نشوتي بتلعثمي حين أحاول أن أبادلك أطراف الحديث
أتوق إلى حين كنت امرأة و ليس مجرد آلة تتحكم بجميع أحاسيسها و أفكارها و أحلامها.. إلى حين لم يكن هناك إحساسٌ إلا لك، و أفكارٌ سوى عنك، و أحلامٌ إلا معك.. أتوق إليها و أشتاق إليك و أحنّ إليّ
10.22.2008
My Heart..
My heart is as light as a soap bubble
I watch it go up, higher and higher
And then, it just pops..
Vanishing, as if it never existed
As if it was always invisible to you
As if it was never noticed..
My heart is as fragile as a light bulb
I watch you throw stones at it
And then, it just pops..
Shattering, as if it was nothing
As if it was always scattered
As if it was never whole..
My heart is as heavy as a rock
I watch it stand on the edge of the world
And then, it just drops..
Sinking, deeper and deeper under water
As if it was always at rock bottom
As if it never saw the surface before..
And then, it just stops!
I watch it go up, higher and higher
And then, it just pops..
Vanishing, as if it never existed
As if it was always invisible to you
As if it was never noticed..
My heart is as fragile as a light bulb
I watch you throw stones at it
And then, it just pops..
Shattering, as if it was nothing
As if it was always scattered
As if it was never whole..
My heart is as heavy as a rock
I watch it stand on the edge of the world
And then, it just drops..
Sinking, deeper and deeper under water
As if it was always at rock bottom
As if it never saw the surface before..
And then, it just stops!
10.18.2008
Just a smile away..
It's hard to recognize you anymore.. nor myself.. It's like two different worlds drifting apart.. and apart.. We were never soulmates; that, I'm sure of! But you were always there to make it worth the stay, and I was always there to make the walk count..
Just like two lost souls souls hanging on to each other, until either one of us finds his own way.. I must say I don't think you found yours, even though you always pretended to have.. You were always certain, I was never sure! And that's why we were perfect: you to give me reassurance, and me to give you doubts.. And everyone else thought there were more into us, more than just two lost souls leaning on each other, until either one of us finds his way..
Just two lost souls who thought they had it all, but never really knew what to do about it.. And today, we're drifting further and further apart, with no possibilities ahead to meet again.. But then again I'm never sure, and you're always certain.. Always certain that you got it all figured out.. And I'm always sure we got it all wrong.
Then a little lost soul walks by, smiling.. It just seems it had it all, it just seemed nothing was wrong.. And now I'm sure, making sense was no more than just a smile away..
Just like two lost souls souls hanging on to each other, until either one of us finds his own way.. I must say I don't think you found yours, even though you always pretended to have.. You were always certain, I was never sure! And that's why we were perfect: you to give me reassurance, and me to give you doubts.. And everyone else thought there were more into us, more than just two lost souls leaning on each other, until either one of us finds his way..
Just two lost souls who thought they had it all, but never really knew what to do about it.. And today, we're drifting further and further apart, with no possibilities ahead to meet again.. But then again I'm never sure, and you're always certain.. Always certain that you got it all figured out.. And I'm always sure we got it all wrong.
Then a little lost soul walks by, smiling.. It just seems it had it all, it just seemed nothing was wrong.. And now I'm sure, making sense was no more than just a smile away..
10.12.2008
All that she wants..
She came to me and told me: I want to be whole!
And I didn't know what to tell her, I've never been whole, or maybe I was, but it's been a really long time that I don't know anymore..
She was standing there, with tears in her eyes, looking up to me as if I held the answers of all her troubles, as if I can just wipe all her tears away, and make her smile.. As if I was her only hope, her last straw to hold on to life.. And I just didn't know what to tell her..
She grabbed on to my skirt and asked me: show me how to be complete! Tell me how I can be strong like you? Tell me how I could figure it all out, just like you do!
And I didn't know what to tell her! That it's just a fake cover I hide my little lost soul behind? That I'm not an entity by myself, that I'm not as strong as she may think? Or that for each warrior, a time of the day comes where he needs to rest, and she just needs to rest now? And that she'll be whole again when she steps back into the battlefield?
I didn't know what to tell her then.. I still don't know what to tell her now..
Maybe, that it just.. sucks, all this confusion..
It just sucks!
And I didn't know what to tell her, I've never been whole, or maybe I was, but it's been a really long time that I don't know anymore..
She was standing there, with tears in her eyes, looking up to me as if I held the answers of all her troubles, as if I can just wipe all her tears away, and make her smile.. As if I was her only hope, her last straw to hold on to life.. And I just didn't know what to tell her..
She grabbed on to my skirt and asked me: show me how to be complete! Tell me how I can be strong like you? Tell me how I could figure it all out, just like you do!
And I didn't know what to tell her! That it's just a fake cover I hide my little lost soul behind? That I'm not an entity by myself, that I'm not as strong as she may think? Or that for each warrior, a time of the day comes where he needs to rest, and she just needs to rest now? And that she'll be whole again when she steps back into the battlefield?
I didn't know what to tell her then.. I still don't know what to tell her now..
Maybe, that it just.. sucks, all this confusion..
It just sucks!
10.10.2008
Reflection..
As I look at my reflection in the mirror,
And watch it fade away,
Little by little..
I know I'm on my way..
As I look for my reflection in your eyes,
And see it's no longer there..
Little by Little,
I realize you're on your way..
I go back to my mirror,
To ask my reflection,
Which is no longer there:
Have I lost my way?
And watch it fade away,
Little by little..
I know I'm on my way..
As I look for my reflection in your eyes,
And see it's no longer there..
Little by Little,
I realize you're on your way..
I go back to my mirror,
To ask my reflection,
Which is no longer there:
Have I lost my way?
10.07.2008
Unbalanced..
It was just today that I realized equilibrium was something I never had, and free fall is something I only have with you..
"And I know I'm not falling in love.. I'm just falling in pieces", from the song "Wreck of the Day".
I guess it's nothing but a refreshing fall, where your lungs open up, and you just scream your heart out, and you feel alive. Then you come back to earth, to stand up unbalanced. But it doesn't feel weird, it's like you spent your entire life, lacking of equilibrium, overwhelmed with abnormalities.
Fragile, as if a gentle summer breeze would be enough to roll you over, but it doesn't.. And you keep standing, unbalanced, carrying the burden of your own abnormalities.. And the last thing i remember of you is your image standing on one foot, carrying the world in one hand, my heart in the other, and trying to catch a fly with your tongue..
A free fall is something I'll only have with you, because no one is more unbalanced than you are to understand perfectly that equilibrium is not made for girls like me.
"And I know I'm not falling in love.. I'm just falling in pieces", from the song "Wreck of the Day".
I guess it's nothing but a refreshing fall, where your lungs open up, and you just scream your heart out, and you feel alive. Then you come back to earth, to stand up unbalanced. But it doesn't feel weird, it's like you spent your entire life, lacking of equilibrium, overwhelmed with abnormalities.
Fragile, as if a gentle summer breeze would be enough to roll you over, but it doesn't.. And you keep standing, unbalanced, carrying the burden of your own abnormalities.. And the last thing i remember of you is your image standing on one foot, carrying the world in one hand, my heart in the other, and trying to catch a fly with your tongue..
A free fall is something I'll only have with you, because no one is more unbalanced than you are to understand perfectly that equilibrium is not made for girls like me.
10.02.2008
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"
It's really great for the person who wrote those lyrics to know that someone felt his existence through his words. That even though he walked alone, he was noticed; but mostly, he's not alone out there.. He's just on his own road, and other people live the same way, carry on through the day without having any reasonable end in sight; typing their heart out, without really knowing how it will end..
"I walk these empty streets, on the boulevard of broken dreams"
It's sad really to wait for a song to remind you of all the dreams you left behind, the ones that you don't even dare to have, the ones that you were too weak to hold, and those you were too naive to believe in..
"I'm walking down the line, that divides me somewhere in my mind"
It's really fucked up to get yourself psychoanalyzed on the beats of a guy who has more make-up than yourself, especially when you're a girl..
"Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone"
- As it may seem obvious: written while listening to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by GreenDay -
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"
It's really great for the person who wrote those lyrics to know that someone felt his existence through his words. That even though he walked alone, he was noticed; but mostly, he's not alone out there.. He's just on his own road, and other people live the same way, carry on through the day without having any reasonable end in sight; typing their heart out, without really knowing how it will end..
"I walk these empty streets, on the boulevard of broken dreams"
It's sad really to wait for a song to remind you of all the dreams you left behind, the ones that you don't even dare to have, the ones that you were too weak to hold, and those you were too naive to believe in..
"I'm walking down the line, that divides me somewhere in my mind"
It's really fucked up to get yourself psychoanalyzed on the beats of a guy who has more make-up than yourself, especially when you're a girl..
"Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone"
- As it may seem obvious: written while listening to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by GreenDay -
10.01.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - IV
Dear Diary,
I always wake up not feeling myself. Ever since I've been here, I've been wanting to leave. I just can't really adjust to all these changes, at least not at once. But mostly, I don't even know what I am to feel myself; "They" don't even know what I am yet, how would I?
Being a prototype is like having to be there, without ever being there. I walk as if I'm an invisible person, if we were to believe that I'm a person. I don't drink, I don't eat! Oh how I miss the filthy pleasures of life on earth!
Anyway, so I'm not myself today, like everyday. I get out of bed and walk towards the dressing room; in LaLa Land, we don't need to go to the bathroom, since we don't eat, there's nothing to digest, there's no morning breath to wash your teeth for, and we don't wash up our faces, we just change one everyday. So, I match my skin color to that of the sky. It's magenta today, we can wear whatever we want, as long as it's not magenta, nor red, nor yellow, nor purple, nor blue, nor black, and nor pink. So I decided to wear a lower half of orange, and an upper half of white. I never mix, so today might be a good day to start something new.
And now I stand in front of my set of feelings. In LaLa Land you have either this or that. Life is either black or white, whereas life on earth is a greater shade of grey. So I either have the choice between happy or sad, calm or mad, good or bad. There's also the combo packages, for lazy prototypes like myself who just don't see the use of being too picky. I only have two choices of combos: Euphoria or Agony. I always pick Euphoria, I think everyone else does too. But nothing ever changes, I always remain feeling-less. Maybe those feelings buttons are not operating yet, or maybe, and this just struck me, feelings on LaLa Land are different from earth, like everything else. We instinctly choose Euphoria because we relate to what we aimed for on Earth. As I feel enlightened, and excited, which is quite new to feel on LaLa Land, I reach out to AGONY!
And BOOM! A sirene starts beeping louder and louder and louder, and all of a sudden I see myself walking towards the auto-destruction room. I've never been there before, I thought about visiting this room that lays in the heart of my own home so many times, but I never had the courage; I had the reasons, but never the courage. And now I'm walking there, when I absolutely have no reasons to, this was the first time I feel excited about being here, the first time I feel myself here, then why on Earth am I going to that room? And why am I not able to control my body?
Am I going to be terminated? Am I going to start a new life as a girl or a boy? Perhaps it's the room where you move from prototypes to an actual being? Why on Earth am I going there?
- "Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"
And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"
- To be continued! -
I always wake up not feeling myself. Ever since I've been here, I've been wanting to leave. I just can't really adjust to all these changes, at least not at once. But mostly, I don't even know what I am to feel myself; "They" don't even know what I am yet, how would I?
Being a prototype is like having to be there, without ever being there. I walk as if I'm an invisible person, if we were to believe that I'm a person. I don't drink, I don't eat! Oh how I miss the filthy pleasures of life on earth!
Anyway, so I'm not myself today, like everyday. I get out of bed and walk towards the dressing room; in LaLa Land, we don't need to go to the bathroom, since we don't eat, there's nothing to digest, there's no morning breath to wash your teeth for, and we don't wash up our faces, we just change one everyday. So, I match my skin color to that of the sky. It's magenta today, we can wear whatever we want, as long as it's not magenta, nor red, nor yellow, nor purple, nor blue, nor black, and nor pink. So I decided to wear a lower half of orange, and an upper half of white. I never mix, so today might be a good day to start something new.
And now I stand in front of my set of feelings. In LaLa Land you have either this or that. Life is either black or white, whereas life on earth is a greater shade of grey. So I either have the choice between happy or sad, calm or mad, good or bad. There's also the combo packages, for lazy prototypes like myself who just don't see the use of being too picky. I only have two choices of combos: Euphoria or Agony. I always pick Euphoria, I think everyone else does too. But nothing ever changes, I always remain feeling-less. Maybe those feelings buttons are not operating yet, or maybe, and this just struck me, feelings on LaLa Land are different from earth, like everything else. We instinctly choose Euphoria because we relate to what we aimed for on Earth. As I feel enlightened, and excited, which is quite new to feel on LaLa Land, I reach out to AGONY!
And BOOM! A sirene starts beeping louder and louder and louder, and all of a sudden I see myself walking towards the auto-destruction room. I've never been there before, I thought about visiting this room that lays in the heart of my own home so many times, but I never had the courage; I had the reasons, but never the courage. And now I'm walking there, when I absolutely have no reasons to, this was the first time I feel excited about being here, the first time I feel myself here, then why on Earth am I going to that room? And why am I not able to control my body?
Am I going to be terminated? Am I going to start a new life as a girl or a boy? Perhaps it's the room where you move from prototypes to an actual being? Why on Earth am I going there?
- "Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"
And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"
- To be continued! -
9.25.2008
Tomorrow, Tomorrow.. I Love Ya, Tomorrow..
I never really write about love.. And when I do, it's never really about me.. It's always about someone else.. It's always about a book, a movie, a fictional character.. Sometimes about a friend.. Sometimes about other emotions, that people mistakenly take for my own feelings of love..
I never really was in love before.. I never really wanted to either.. I don't know where it came from, but I always looked at love as a weakness.. One that I'm too strong to have.. One that I could never allow myself to have..
Love for me always ended the second I felt it's about to start.. And I never even got there, to the point where it would feel it's about to start.. I always pushed "temptation" away.. I guess I never wanted to feel dependent of anyone's existence.. or anything.. I wouldn't want to stop breathing whenever they'd walk away.. I wouldn't want to be crying, at least not anymore than I already do.. But I guess the main problem is that I wouldn't want to be happy either.. Happiness just seems to come with a great fear of loosing it all.. And I want to be fearless..
I never really was in love before.. And the few times I pretended I wanted to, were just very rare times when I wanted to be normal.. Just like everyone else.. But I wasn't.. I'm not.. I was fearless, I am fearless, and love was just a weakness that I couldn't have
Love for me always ended before it begun.. The second I would start smiling just at the sound of your name..
But there's something different today.. Today I write my own love story, the one that hasn't started yet, but the one that wouldn't be over.. at least not yet..
Love doesn't sound like a weakness anymore.. I guess when you have to grow up so soon, you just become an expert in lying to yourself.. And someone once told me that the worst sin that could ever be, is lying to yourself.. And to think that the second he said that, I was really proud, for just a second there, because I thought I was truly honest inside.. When in fact, that was just another lie, piling up with lots more to help me get through the day.. Just like the lie of me not wanting to have love in my life.. But moreover, not even needing at all..
I still believe it's not the end of the world to end up alone.. But I really believe it would be a better place if you have someone right there to fill it.. I would love to feel complete.. And to stop hiding away from life.. Because life happens, either way.. It's just a shame to miss the thrill ride and stay where you are watching it pass by simply because you're too scared to throw up..
Today I write my own love story.. The one that hasn't begun yet.. But the one that definitely will, one day..
I never really was in love before.. I never really wanted to either.. I don't know where it came from, but I always looked at love as a weakness.. One that I'm too strong to have.. One that I could never allow myself to have..
Love for me always ended the second I felt it's about to start.. And I never even got there, to the point where it would feel it's about to start.. I always pushed "temptation" away.. I guess I never wanted to feel dependent of anyone's existence.. or anything.. I wouldn't want to stop breathing whenever they'd walk away.. I wouldn't want to be crying, at least not anymore than I already do.. But I guess the main problem is that I wouldn't want to be happy either.. Happiness just seems to come with a great fear of loosing it all.. And I want to be fearless..
I never really was in love before.. And the few times I pretended I wanted to, were just very rare times when I wanted to be normal.. Just like everyone else.. But I wasn't.. I'm not.. I was fearless, I am fearless, and love was just a weakness that I couldn't have
Love for me always ended before it begun.. The second I would start smiling just at the sound of your name..
But there's something different today.. Today I write my own love story, the one that hasn't started yet, but the one that wouldn't be over.. at least not yet..
Love doesn't sound like a weakness anymore.. I guess when you have to grow up so soon, you just become an expert in lying to yourself.. And someone once told me that the worst sin that could ever be, is lying to yourself.. And to think that the second he said that, I was really proud, for just a second there, because I thought I was truly honest inside.. When in fact, that was just another lie, piling up with lots more to help me get through the day.. Just like the lie of me not wanting to have love in my life.. But moreover, not even needing at all..
I still believe it's not the end of the world to end up alone.. But I really believe it would be a better place if you have someone right there to fill it.. I would love to feel complete.. And to stop hiding away from life.. Because life happens, either way.. It's just a shame to miss the thrill ride and stay where you are watching it pass by simply because you're too scared to throw up..
Today I write my own love story.. The one that hasn't begun yet.. But the one that definitely will, one day..
9.21.2008
Almost, but not quite..
I spent this weekend in the capital, where I lived 4 years of my life, and which I left 2 years ago. I've been there throughout the past 2 years, but I guess I was more optimistic about this visit, thinking there should be more life than the past 3 unstable years. But I was wrong, and I couldn't help but wonder why was I optimistic to begin with. Maybe I'm just trying hard to believe in our new President. But I guess like all previous presidents, prime ministers, and other political leaders in my country, it's just not gonna work out between us. But I know I could be dreadfully picky sometimes!
So after a short weekend full of reminiscence and great memories of the old Beirut, the one that used to be at least 4 times crowded than now. The one where it felt safe for a girl like me to wonder alone, even at late hours of the night. I remember when I used to say that Beirut is lovely, if only it was less crowded. I didn't realize back then that the beauty of capitals is how crowded it could be, how wonderful it is when you find a quiet street after spending half an hour in a suffocating traffic. I didn't think I'd miss waiting in line for my American Coffee at Starbucks, or that I'd love to go to a restaurant where they'd kick me out because I have no reservations..
It's just not the same.. And it's just sad.. Walking into a city in agony..
So after a short weekend full of reminiscence and great memories of the old Beirut, the one that used to be at least 4 times crowded than now. The one where it felt safe for a girl like me to wonder alone, even at late hours of the night. I remember when I used to say that Beirut is lovely, if only it was less crowded. I didn't realize back then that the beauty of capitals is how crowded it could be, how wonderful it is when you find a quiet street after spending half an hour in a suffocating traffic. I didn't think I'd miss waiting in line for my American Coffee at Starbucks, or that I'd love to go to a restaurant where they'd kick me out because I have no reservations..
It's just not the same.. And it's just sad.. Walking into a city in agony..
9.18.2008
Great Expectations
"Great Expectations Lead to Great Disappointments.."
I don't even feel like elaborating on this.. It just is! Should I change the expectations in order to become less of the failure I am?
I don't even feel like elaborating on this.. It just is! Should I change the expectations in order to become less of the failure I am?
9.17.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - III
It's Yellow day.. It's that day of the year where everyone who's supposed to die dies.
"They" decided it's more appropriate if people mourn on the same day, and if people faced the fear of dying once/ year only. If you wake up to see the yellow sky, you know that for sure you have another year to live, which by the way, happens to be formed of 30 terrestrial days. Knowing the exact year you'll die in, is a privilege that comes when you purchase your "eternal knowledge" package, which is only available for senior LaLa landers, and not for prototypes like myself.
Personally, even if I were authorized, I wouldn't purchase that package. I think my experience on Earth taught me not to fall for shiny titles. An ETERNAL knowledge that will let me know when I will die. PFT! A new way to make us more uncertain on whether we're ephemeris, or not..
I wouldn't want to know when I'd die, my life will be over the second I'd know. It will be a series of preparations for death. And I wouldn't want to be one of those who never realized how important it is to seize the day and live their lives to the fullest, until they're sure it's over..
I was born sure that it will be over.. So I wake up to see the Yellow sky.. I look outside the window, and try to guess where the sun is.. I wonder why "They" never changed the sun... "They" either turn it on or off, but it still seems like the same sun I used to know.. I just no longer have the same skin to enjoy it..
As I watch prototypes passing by, confused on whether they should be mourning or celebrating their retention of life, I couldn't help but smile. We're played beautifully indeed: "They" gave us one day to mourn when in fact there's noone to mourn! I don't even know the name of my Green Boy, I was sure I'll never see him again, as emotion sensors would not allow us to be in the same area. I don't know any of those prototypes passing by, not even the girls, and nor the boys, and never will. They could die, or not, noone would really know. All we could know is we're alive. I'll never understand why "They" do the things "They" do.
But as long as it's Yellow Day, I might enjoy my time trying to guess where the sun really is..
"They" decided it's more appropriate if people mourn on the same day, and if people faced the fear of dying once/ year only. If you wake up to see the yellow sky, you know that for sure you have another year to live, which by the way, happens to be formed of 30 terrestrial days. Knowing the exact year you'll die in, is a privilege that comes when you purchase your "eternal knowledge" package, which is only available for senior LaLa landers, and not for prototypes like myself.
Personally, even if I were authorized, I wouldn't purchase that package. I think my experience on Earth taught me not to fall for shiny titles. An ETERNAL knowledge that will let me know when I will die. PFT! A new way to make us more uncertain on whether we're ephemeris, or not..
I wouldn't want to know when I'd die, my life will be over the second I'd know. It will be a series of preparations for death. And I wouldn't want to be one of those who never realized how important it is to seize the day and live their lives to the fullest, until they're sure it's over..
I was born sure that it will be over.. So I wake up to see the Yellow sky.. I look outside the window, and try to guess where the sun is.. I wonder why "They" never changed the sun... "They" either turn it on or off, but it still seems like the same sun I used to know.. I just no longer have the same skin to enjoy it..
As I watch prototypes passing by, confused on whether they should be mourning or celebrating their retention of life, I couldn't help but smile. We're played beautifully indeed: "They" gave us one day to mourn when in fact there's noone to mourn! I don't even know the name of my Green Boy, I was sure I'll never see him again, as emotion sensors would not allow us to be in the same area. I don't know any of those prototypes passing by, not even the girls, and nor the boys, and never will. They could die, or not, noone would really know. All we could know is we're alive. I'll never understand why "They" do the things "They" do.
But as long as it's Yellow Day, I might enjoy my time trying to guess where the sun really is..
9.15.2008
Rehab..
It's 6:15AM, of a Monday morning. I'm not awake because it's a working day, I happen to have the luxury of not having to wake up before 8:30AM, which is in two hours from now..
After a night of agony, where I barely had no more than 15 minutes of sleep, not that I remember any sleep at all, I lay awake wondering if I should keep trying to sleep, or if it's not really worth it anymore.
I wonder as well if it was a wise decision to decide to quit pain killers, live with the pain, and keep the brain. I wonder if it's not too late to change my mind. But then again, the morning sun tells me that i made it through the night.. That I survived..
We sometimes overrate our ability to accept certain things in life, or underestimate how strong they could be. I think I had an overdose of pain that is making me question whether watching a new sun rise really means I survived, or if I'd be able to get up in couple of hours and head to work, and if so, would I be able to make it through the short 6 hours' schedule that suddenly seems too long for a routine.
Pain killers.. I can't even remember why did I decide to fight them like a brave soldier to begin with.. It's as if I woke up to a pain that seems to be growing exponentially.. I feel like a drug addict, but I think they feel even worse, trying to get through rehab. I think I should use the "light at the end of the tunnel" technique, but I only see more pain in the end..
Maybe it's just a lack of sleep.. I'm sure it will pass, it should pass.. I'm just trying to reach out for a void that seems to be fit enough for me to scream my heart out, cry my heart out, so I could get up in couple of hours, get dressed, and head to work those 6 short schedule hours..
I will survive.. I must survive.. But that overdose of pain, along with a light sleep night really have a great effect on making you question your abilities, your motives to begin with, but mostly your sanity..
After a night of agony, where I barely had no more than 15 minutes of sleep, not that I remember any sleep at all, I lay awake wondering if I should keep trying to sleep, or if it's not really worth it anymore.
I wonder as well if it was a wise decision to decide to quit pain killers, live with the pain, and keep the brain. I wonder if it's not too late to change my mind. But then again, the morning sun tells me that i made it through the night.. That I survived..
We sometimes overrate our ability to accept certain things in life, or underestimate how strong they could be. I think I had an overdose of pain that is making me question whether watching a new sun rise really means I survived, or if I'd be able to get up in couple of hours and head to work, and if so, would I be able to make it through the short 6 hours' schedule that suddenly seems too long for a routine.
Pain killers.. I can't even remember why did I decide to fight them like a brave soldier to begin with.. It's as if I woke up to a pain that seems to be growing exponentially.. I feel like a drug addict, but I think they feel even worse, trying to get through rehab. I think I should use the "light at the end of the tunnel" technique, but I only see more pain in the end..
Maybe it's just a lack of sleep.. I'm sure it will pass, it should pass.. I'm just trying to reach out for a void that seems to be fit enough for me to scream my heart out, cry my heart out, so I could get up in couple of hours, get dressed, and head to work those 6 short schedule hours..
I will survive.. I must survive.. But that overdose of pain, along with a light sleep night really have a great effect on making you question your abilities, your motives to begin with, but mostly your sanity..
9.14.2008
On a Sunday Morning..
It's a Sunday morning, once again.. The morning where I wish you're here to wake me up, with soft kisses perhaps, or maybe with gentle hair strokes.. And I'd smile for you, with my eyes shut, giving you my approval for more pampering..
Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I long for you, even if for few minutes, even if fore few seconds before opening my eyes up to realize, you're not there.. You were never there.. And you might never be there either..
Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I mourn your absence , even if for few minutes, even if for few seconds..
I knew yesterday, before going to bed, that this morning, it will not be too easy to shake you off my life, off my thoughts and off my dreams.. Still, I couldn't help but to long to be devastated by your light presence along with this gentle autumn sun..
Yet, I end up smiling, after realizing that you're not there, that you were never there.. But you still have a way of making my day, on those Sunday mornings..
Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I long for you, even if for few minutes, even if fore few seconds before opening my eyes up to realize, you're not there.. You were never there.. And you might never be there either..
Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I mourn your absence , even if for few minutes, even if for few seconds..
I knew yesterday, before going to bed, that this morning, it will not be too easy to shake you off my life, off my thoughts and off my dreams.. Still, I couldn't help but to long to be devastated by your light presence along with this gentle autumn sun..
Yet, I end up smiling, after realizing that you're not there, that you were never there.. But you still have a way of making my day, on those Sunday mornings..
9.13.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - II
Dear Diary,
As I walked down the street of my daily routine life, with a beautiful blue sky, and a sun well shining, I suddenly smelled fresh baked Blueberry muffin. It all seemed too good to be true, just like my morning back on earth. But I knew that here on LaLa land, we don't have fresh baked blueberry muffin, I think it was just a technical mistake They've made.. Or it was maybe just me being too reminiscent of my old days.
Those very few seconds of longing for a blueberry muffin made me realize I should stop living in the past. I'm no longer a terrestrial, I should deal with it. Life in LaLa Land is not really bad, everyday we have a new sky color; it never rains (something I hated back on earth, but apparantly I miss it while it's gone); it's never cold and never hot, always mild; no earthquake nor LaLaquakes; no global warming; no economic recession; no presidential elections; etc..
I'm a Lala prototype X now, and I should act upon it! Maybe I should consider enrolling in one of those rehab programs tailored to help Prototypes "take that step" into becoming who they were supposed to be. Being a girl on earth wasn't so tempting, perhaps here it would be different.
Maybe it's time for me to finally meet my destiny..
As I walked down the street of my daily routine life, with a beautiful blue sky, and a sun well shining, I suddenly smelled fresh baked Blueberry muffin. It all seemed too good to be true, just like my morning back on earth. But I knew that here on LaLa land, we don't have fresh baked blueberry muffin, I think it was just a technical mistake They've made.. Or it was maybe just me being too reminiscent of my old days.
Those very few seconds of longing for a blueberry muffin made me realize I should stop living in the past. I'm no longer a terrestrial, I should deal with it. Life in LaLa Land is not really bad, everyday we have a new sky color; it never rains (something I hated back on earth, but apparantly I miss it while it's gone); it's never cold and never hot, always mild; no earthquake nor LaLaquakes; no global warming; no economic recession; no presidential elections; etc..
I'm a Lala prototype X now, and I should act upon it! Maybe I should consider enrolling in one of those rehab programs tailored to help Prototypes "take that step" into becoming who they were supposed to be. Being a girl on earth wasn't so tempting, perhaps here it would be different.
Maybe it's time for me to finally meet my destiny..
9.11.2008
Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - I
Dear Diary,
I woke up today early as usual, but it was dark today. So I reached for the Sun to turn it on, the switch wasn't working. And you just know I don't like getting up when it's still dark, so I decided to use my telepathic function one hour earlier to try to reach the Sun maintenance department, it turned out the Sun was working just fine, it's just that today is Purple Sky Day, so the Sun's light cannot be as strong as usual, because they wouldn't want the sky's color to fade.
How did I forget about this day, it's the day I hate the most out of the year, I prefer the day when the sky is green, I can even tolerate it when it's red, but PURPLE! I never liked that color when I was on earth either, but I guess there's nothing I can do. I'll never know how they decided on the sky colors, nor why did they decide to change it everyday to begin with. At least, they provide us with calendars ahead in time, so we could match our skin color accordingly. The thing is, for Purple skies, girls get Pink, boys get Green, and prototypes can get the shades of what they were supposed to be. So now you know why I hate Purple day? Because being a Prototype X means I have to be any shade of Pink, a color I could never be with the sort of tan I have. I guess being a girl is a luxury the working class cannot afford.
So I tried to put on some Pink powder, which made me look like a clown, and went out, with my dark skin, fake pink face, and a purple sky.
I was sure the Fashion police will arrest me today, so as I was walking as fast as I can, I stumbled and was this close of falling into pieces if it wasn't for this beautiful Green boy who grabbed me in the very last second before I hit the ground.
Maybe Purple days are not so bad afterall..
I woke up today early as usual, but it was dark today. So I reached for the Sun to turn it on, the switch wasn't working. And you just know I don't like getting up when it's still dark, so I decided to use my telepathic function one hour earlier to try to reach the Sun maintenance department, it turned out the Sun was working just fine, it's just that today is Purple Sky Day, so the Sun's light cannot be as strong as usual, because they wouldn't want the sky's color to fade.
How did I forget about this day, it's the day I hate the most out of the year, I prefer the day when the sky is green, I can even tolerate it when it's red, but PURPLE! I never liked that color when I was on earth either, but I guess there's nothing I can do. I'll never know how they decided on the sky colors, nor why did they decide to change it everyday to begin with. At least, they provide us with calendars ahead in time, so we could match our skin color accordingly. The thing is, for Purple skies, girls get Pink, boys get Green, and prototypes can get the shades of what they were supposed to be. So now you know why I hate Purple day? Because being a Prototype X means I have to be any shade of Pink, a color I could never be with the sort of tan I have. I guess being a girl is a luxury the working class cannot afford.
So I tried to put on some Pink powder, which made me look like a clown, and went out, with my dark skin, fake pink face, and a purple sky.
I was sure the Fashion police will arrest me today, so as I was walking as fast as I can, I stumbled and was this close of falling into pieces if it wasn't for this beautiful Green boy who grabbed me in the very last second before I hit the ground.
Maybe Purple days are not so bad afterall..
9.10.2008
It's that time of the night..
It's that time of the night, where you turn off the lights and lay awake, getting ready to sleep.
Some are blessed with the ability of sleeping the second the lights are off, others are blessed with the ability to sleep even with the lights on; and others are blessed with the ability to stay awake, with eyes wide open, enjoying the darkness.
Darkness can be really beautiful when you dare looking it in the eye; it has a way of lighting your way.. I could say I developed a cozy relationship with the darkness that surrounds me. It's the one that listens to me going through what i've done during the day, or complaining about what I should have done. It's the one that knows the details of my future plans, the one to see a real smile of self-satisfaction, and the one to see me trying to smuggle my late night tears
It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and smile. It's that time when I smile, not of self-satisfaction, but because of all those little things that make it tough to live the day, of the minor details that help you pull it off, of the sweet dreams that give you the persistence to carry on, of the summer breeze coming gently in this hot summer night.
It's that time of the night, where I look my darkness in the eye and see it smiling back at me, just because of those little things you say to help me get through the day, of all the plans I make, of all the things that I am, and of that sweet tune playing softly in the background of this hot summer night.
It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and wish it good night..
Some are blessed with the ability of sleeping the second the lights are off, others are blessed with the ability to sleep even with the lights on; and others are blessed with the ability to stay awake, with eyes wide open, enjoying the darkness.
Darkness can be really beautiful when you dare looking it in the eye; it has a way of lighting your way.. I could say I developed a cozy relationship with the darkness that surrounds me. It's the one that listens to me going through what i've done during the day, or complaining about what I should have done. It's the one that knows the details of my future plans, the one to see a real smile of self-satisfaction, and the one to see me trying to smuggle my late night tears
It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and smile. It's that time when I smile, not of self-satisfaction, but because of all those little things that make it tough to live the day, of the minor details that help you pull it off, of the sweet dreams that give you the persistence to carry on, of the summer breeze coming gently in this hot summer night.
It's that time of the night, where I look my darkness in the eye and see it smiling back at me, just because of those little things you say to help me get through the day, of all the plans I make, of all the things that I am, and of that sweet tune playing softly in the background of this hot summer night.
It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and wish it good night..
9.09.2008
S O S
Mommy, it doesn't feel too good today
Here inside my head..
Everyhing seems to fall in decay
I'm slipping away, far ahead..
To a world, I'm not even sure exists..
And I want to hold on.. to anything..
But everything is slipping away..
And I try to grab.. to anything..
But everything is going to decay..
- Mommy, will you take my hand?
- But, baby girl, you've already slipped away..
It just doesn't feel too good today..
Here inside my head..
Here inside my head..
Everyhing seems to fall in decay
I'm slipping away, far ahead..
To a world, I'm not even sure exists..
And I want to hold on.. to anything..
But everything is slipping away..
And I try to grab.. to anything..
But everything is going to decay..
- Mommy, will you take my hand?
- But, baby girl, you've already slipped away..
It just doesn't feel too good today..
Here inside my head..
9.05.2008
Shower Guy
Couple of months ago, a friend of mine wanted to tour a friend of hers on our little city. And since she needed a tour herself as much as he needed, she called me up and I was their tour guide. Something I love to do whenever I get the chance, for no apparent reason, other than the fact that it's very amusing to see how people can perceive a part of your daily life as a totally new experience.
One of the most touristic attractions in my city, is "Khan Al Saboun", in other words, it's just a place where they sell hand made soap, with different shapes, different uses, and different scents. I have a collection myself, mostly Lavender and Amber, one of my two favorite scents, whenever I get a chance to smell.
So after our visit to the Soap Shop (my English for Khan el Saboun), the friend of my friend explained to us why he bought so many soaps. He told us the story of the shower guy, whom he met during a trip to india. He's a pro at telling stories by the way. So the story goes like this, as he was wandering in the streets of Mumbai, he couldn't help but notice this guy who held something under hir arm, so tight, as if it was a treasure, with a very big smile on his eyes. He was walking very quickly, but short steps. And my friend couldn't help but follow him, the guy had a very intriguing overall ora, and my friend is just curious. few steps later, the guy stops near a public waterspot (I'm not sure that's what it's called, but I'm sure you got the picture), he takes off his clothes and he starts rubbing himself with soap. My friend says he had never seen someone rub himself this much with soap, nor someone that happy and that eager to be taking a shower. He showed him how important a shower could be. That shower indian guy tought my friend that what we take for a daily normal act of personal hygiene, is a blessing we should be more aware of.
At that time, I just thought that my friend's friend just has a story for everything! Which I liked, to be fair. But today, after about 3 days or maybe more of stinkiness, and almost a coma, or was it more? Anyway, as I experienced an unconventional joy during my shower, where I felt that I wanted to thank everyone involved in the industry of shampoo and shower gel making, I couldn't help but remember my friend's story. I truly felt the blessing of personal hygiene!
One of the most touristic attractions in my city, is "Khan Al Saboun", in other words, it's just a place where they sell hand made soap, with different shapes, different uses, and different scents. I have a collection myself, mostly Lavender and Amber, one of my two favorite scents, whenever I get a chance to smell.
So after our visit to the Soap Shop (my English for Khan el Saboun), the friend of my friend explained to us why he bought so many soaps. He told us the story of the shower guy, whom he met during a trip to india. He's a pro at telling stories by the way. So the story goes like this, as he was wandering in the streets of Mumbai, he couldn't help but notice this guy who held something under hir arm, so tight, as if it was a treasure, with a very big smile on his eyes. He was walking very quickly, but short steps. And my friend couldn't help but follow him, the guy had a very intriguing overall ora, and my friend is just curious. few steps later, the guy stops near a public waterspot (I'm not sure that's what it's called, but I'm sure you got the picture), he takes off his clothes and he starts rubbing himself with soap. My friend says he had never seen someone rub himself this much with soap, nor someone that happy and that eager to be taking a shower. He showed him how important a shower could be. That shower indian guy tought my friend that what we take for a daily normal act of personal hygiene, is a blessing we should be more aware of.
At that time, I just thought that my friend's friend just has a story for everything! Which I liked, to be fair. But today, after about 3 days or maybe more of stinkiness, and almost a coma, or was it more? Anyway, as I experienced an unconventional joy during my shower, where I felt that I wanted to thank everyone involved in the industry of shampoo and shower gel making, I couldn't help but remember my friend's story. I truly felt the blessing of personal hygiene!
9.01.2008
Untitled - I
Leila, a 33 years old, is now pregnant, with her 9th child. Her eldest, 16 years old, is now working. The rest, 14, 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3 years old, also work. Even her new born, I think he's about 10 or 12 months old, that she carries around in her arms. This family of 10 members, and a husband who lays back at home, work together, in their own family business. They are beggars!
They live in a tent, and they relocate according to seasons. I met Leila and her family in one of the most attractive summer destinations, in the mountains of my homeland. That's her forth year in a row she camps out there. According to her, business was good even during 2006, when there was war in the rest of the country.
I wasn't interviewing Leila officially, I was just in one of my chi-chat moods. Maybe that's what made her so elaborate in explaining her situation, or maybe because she sensed that I wasn't going to give her any money. I wasn't being mean or anything of the sort, I just don't like encouraging this line of business, and I think I was very firm and clear about my No to her, but in a friendly way.
So, back to Leila's family business. Apparently, the husband doesn't work, not because he's lazy (according to her), but because he needs to wander around each of the family members' locations. You see sometimes people pick up on them, sometimes someone might try to molest them, and "you never know, it's not a safe world anymore" someone might try to kidnap them and kill them to sell their organs. So, Leila continues by explaining: "my husband is a responsible man, and he needs to protect his family, he doesn't have time to work himself, and thank God, we're making enough money. Two years ago we bought a land property back home, and now we're trying to build up a building with one apartment for each of the children. That's why my kids work harder than the rest of the families, and they know how to talk to people, they know that the money they bring is not going to be wasted on an alcoholic father, like in other families i know. They know they're building their future, and they know their father is a responsible man indeed."
Leila and her husband are a very responsible couple indeed! It's undeniably true! They are building a future to their children, "unlike other families", and put aside the fact that they consider breeding as an investment, but life is about give and take. They're taking a little, but they are giving back, and plus it's not like they're stealing other people's quota of children. To each his life!
To each his life indeed. I don't even know if I should judge Leila and her husband for being lousy parents, or if I should blame the ministry of tourism for allowing such profession to exist to begin with, or if I should blame the ministry of social affairs for not providing such families with other alternatives, or if I should blame it on capitalist systems where wealth is not divided equally! But then again, Leila is now building her own family building; so, speak of wealth! I don't know if there's anyone to blame to begin with, or if I should even care!
But I do care! I do feel bad for those children! I do believe they should be in schools, having at least same opportunities as others! I do feel that it's completely unjust for them to be on the streets, working at that age, and in a profession with a lot and a lot of risks! But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to put food on his table! Or in this case, a child's gotta do, what he ought to do!
Tomorrow will not be a brighter day, and the world is not going to be a better place. At least, not yet!.. Perhaps, eventually!
They live in a tent, and they relocate according to seasons. I met Leila and her family in one of the most attractive summer destinations, in the mountains of my homeland. That's her forth year in a row she camps out there. According to her, business was good even during 2006, when there was war in the rest of the country.
I wasn't interviewing Leila officially, I was just in one of my chi-chat moods. Maybe that's what made her so elaborate in explaining her situation, or maybe because she sensed that I wasn't going to give her any money. I wasn't being mean or anything of the sort, I just don't like encouraging this line of business, and I think I was very firm and clear about my No to her, but in a friendly way.
So, back to Leila's family business. Apparently, the husband doesn't work, not because he's lazy (according to her), but because he needs to wander around each of the family members' locations. You see sometimes people pick up on them, sometimes someone might try to molest them, and "you never know, it's not a safe world anymore" someone might try to kidnap them and kill them to sell their organs. So, Leila continues by explaining: "my husband is a responsible man, and he needs to protect his family, he doesn't have time to work himself, and thank God, we're making enough money. Two years ago we bought a land property back home, and now we're trying to build up a building with one apartment for each of the children. That's why my kids work harder than the rest of the families, and they know how to talk to people, they know that the money they bring is not going to be wasted on an alcoholic father, like in other families i know. They know they're building their future, and they know their father is a responsible man indeed."
Leila and her husband are a very responsible couple indeed! It's undeniably true! They are building a future to their children, "unlike other families", and put aside the fact that they consider breeding as an investment, but life is about give and take. They're taking a little, but they are giving back, and plus it's not like they're stealing other people's quota of children. To each his life!
To each his life indeed. I don't even know if I should judge Leila and her husband for being lousy parents, or if I should blame the ministry of tourism for allowing such profession to exist to begin with, or if I should blame the ministry of social affairs for not providing such families with other alternatives, or if I should blame it on capitalist systems where wealth is not divided equally! But then again, Leila is now building her own family building; so, speak of wealth! I don't know if there's anyone to blame to begin with, or if I should even care!
But I do care! I do feel bad for those children! I do believe they should be in schools, having at least same opportunities as others! I do feel that it's completely unjust for them to be on the streets, working at that age, and in a profession with a lot and a lot of risks! But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to put food on his table! Or in this case, a child's gotta do, what he ought to do!
Tomorrow will not be a brighter day, and the world is not going to be a better place. At least, not yet!.. Perhaps, eventually!
8.29.2008
Planetary Emergency
Hmm...
So apparantly, now, we're facing a planetary emergency! That's what Mr. Al gore announced in his speech supporting Obama's nomination.
"Mr Gore added that the US was "facing a planetary emergency" and that the ties of Mr McCain and the Republicans to big oil firms meant they would not act to end the country's reliance on fossil fuels." - BBC News
It's funny that the US, across the world from me, suddenly doesn't seem to be that far away. In the States, same as here, politicians are pretty good (or not!) at raising big slogans: "We Need to fight corruption.. We need a change. We need to stand up for our rights. Freedom. Democracy. Liberty. Equality. Etc."
But I have to give Al Gore the credit for his insightful thought: We're facing a PLANETARY EMERGENCY!
And just like in commercials for magical detergents, a deep reassuring voice comes from far away, with sparkles all around: "Oh yeah! But, don't you worry! Vote for Obbama, he'll get you off this planet in a blink of an eye.. ermm.. I mean he'll get you out of this crisis!"
Hail The Savior.. Obama for Presidency!
So apparantly, now, we're facing a planetary emergency! That's what Mr. Al gore announced in his speech supporting Obama's nomination.
"Mr Gore added that the US was "facing a planetary emergency" and that the ties of Mr McCain and the Republicans to big oil firms meant they would not act to end the country's reliance on fossil fuels." - BBC News
It's funny that the US, across the world from me, suddenly doesn't seem to be that far away. In the States, same as here, politicians are pretty good (or not!) at raising big slogans: "We Need to fight corruption.. We need a change. We need to stand up for our rights. Freedom. Democracy. Liberty. Equality. Etc."
But I have to give Al Gore the credit for his insightful thought: We're facing a PLANETARY EMERGENCY!
And just like in commercials for magical detergents, a deep reassuring voice comes from far away, with sparkles all around: "Oh yeah! But, don't you worry! Vote for Obbama, he'll get you off this planet in a blink of an eye.. ermm.. I mean he'll get you out of this crisis!"
Hail The Savior.. Obama for Presidency!
8.28.2008
World, Will You Hold On?
When I try to remember my childhood, I get a visual of a tiny little creature, a little girl actually, who's quite quiet but she seems to be as large as the planet she's standing on, and she seems like she figured it all out. I remember I figured it all out..
The more I grow the more I realize, I'm years and years away from figuring it out. What's to figure out to begin with? I always knew there are things I didn't know, but now I'm not even sure of what I know.
It's like when I visit a link, and you click on another link, and another link, and then another, and then I end up with about 40 tabs opened on my Firefox browser, so I open Opera, to open another 30-40 tabs..
The tabs seem to grow in number, and my eyes don't seem to be able to grasp the content anymore.
I thought I knew, I knew I figured it out.. Now I know I don't, I know I don't know..
The visual I have now, is of a smaller creature, a smaller girl actually, with a world that never stops growing, exponentially! And she's running out of breath trying to catch it..
The more I grow the more I realize, I'm years and years away from figuring it out. What's to figure out to begin with? I always knew there are things I didn't know, but now I'm not even sure of what I know.
It's like when I visit a link, and you click on another link, and another link, and then another, and then I end up with about 40 tabs opened on my Firefox browser, so I open Opera, to open another 30-40 tabs..
The tabs seem to grow in number, and my eyes don't seem to be able to grasp the content anymore.
I thought I knew, I knew I figured it out.. Now I know I don't, I know I don't know..
The visual I have now, is of a smaller creature, a smaller girl actually, with a world that never stops growing, exponentially! And she's running out of breath trying to catch it..
8.26.2008
Forseen Heartbreak!
So there's this little boy, who's not so little by the way, and he fell in love with this little girl.. The beauty of love is that it really brings up a smile on your face, even if you're not the one involved..
So let's establish first that I'm not that little girl, and you're not that little boy either..
This is the story of little love, a love so sweet that you really can't help but smile at it, you can't help but put more hope in it, and light its way.. Even though you're 100% sure that this love will not last, that it's too little to survive life, that it's just too young..
That little boy will grow up, so would that little girl, but that love will remain little; and the more they grow up the little it will become.. But you still wouldn't manage to be cruel enough to tell them now that it will end, that they will end, and that what now seems to them larger than life, will become as tiny as a shining star, in a far far away sky..
It will end; they will end; but you will still smile whenever you come across a little love..
So let's establish first that I'm not that little girl, and you're not that little boy either..
This is the story of little love, a love so sweet that you really can't help but smile at it, you can't help but put more hope in it, and light its way.. Even though you're 100% sure that this love will not last, that it's too little to survive life, that it's just too young..
That little boy will grow up, so would that little girl, but that love will remain little; and the more they grow up the little it will become.. But you still wouldn't manage to be cruel enough to tell them now that it will end, that they will end, and that what now seems to them larger than life, will become as tiny as a shining star, in a far far away sky..
It will end; they will end; but you will still smile whenever you come across a little love..
8.23.2008
It's not about the shit! It's about how you deal with it!
Ok.. Let's talk about something serious today, something outside the center of my own personal existence. I know I write a lot about myself, and that this blog is called MY WORLD, as if I'm a solid entity by myself, able to exist isolated from the worlds around me. I wish.. We all wish we're that strong, we're that independent.. But when we are a world by ourselves, we're mostly alone, moreover, lonely..
Today, I talk about a neighboring world, in the real world. A country very well known around the globe as the land of the pharoes, the home of the pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world.
Egypt, located in North Africa, part of the Arab world, long known for the Nile, the longest river of the world, and even though the Nile crosses other countries (Ethiopia, Sudan, Eritria, Rwanda, Tanzania, Uganda, Burundi, Democratic Republic of Congo, and Kenya); but mostly, when we talk about the Nile, we get the image of Egypt, maybe because that's where it finally rests in Alexandria, but most probably because of the pharoes' legends, and religious legends..
In the Arab world, Cairo, the capital of Egypt, holds the title of "Omm El Donia" (i.e. The mother of the world). It's also known to be the number one producer of movies and TV shows. The homeland of great arab thinkers, and writers. The land of Oum Kolthoum, the Lady of Arab Tarab. And so on, Cairo seems to be the cultural city of the Arab world.
Why did I suddenly move from my world, to the egyptian capital? Haven't I got enough material to talk about Lebanon? Of course I do, Lebanon by itself needs years and years of writing.. But in my opinion, it would be useless time spent, since I myself, don't really get what's going in this fucked up world of mine. Not thta Egypt seems to be holding on better, or to be more understoodable, but, let's go back to Egypt.
Couple of days ago, in the peak of my disappointment moments from my country, I sat there, in front of the TV. Something I rarely do. And as I was zapping, just for the sake of zapping (it's a very relaxing exercise by the way), I fall on a really intriguing commercial!
Synopsis: a mother with a newborn visits a doctor. The newborn is crying, and the mother is confused and worried about her child. The doctor, while conducting the test, discovers that the mother is using rags instead of diapers!! And then teh doctor starts elaborating on the importance of the use of diapers.
The ad is part of an awareness campaign launched recently in Egypt to create awareness on the importance of the importance of the use of synthetic diapers instead of dishrags.
I thought I was very aware of the problems of under-developed countries, but to see such a campaign, and in Egypt?! I'm almost 25 now, and my mom used diapers when I was born! It brought me a whole new concept of under-development!
They do not only suffer from political corruption, from fake democracy, and so on, but they suffer from ignorance of the basic personal hygiene!
As selfish as this may sound, but this ad made me feel slightly better towards my country! How? Well, at least we use disposable diapers to wipe off the shit we have!
Today, I talk about a neighboring world, in the real world. A country very well known around the globe as the land of the pharoes, the home of the pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world.
Egypt, located in North Africa, part of the Arab world, long known for the Nile, the longest river of the world, and even though the Nile crosses other countries (Ethiopia, Sudan, Eritria, Rwanda, Tanzania, Uganda, Burundi, Democratic Republic of Congo, and Kenya); but mostly, when we talk about the Nile, we get the image of Egypt, maybe because that's where it finally rests in Alexandria, but most probably because of the pharoes' legends, and religious legends..
In the Arab world, Cairo, the capital of Egypt, holds the title of "Omm El Donia" (i.e. The mother of the world). It's also known to be the number one producer of movies and TV shows. The homeland of great arab thinkers, and writers. The land of Oum Kolthoum, the Lady of Arab Tarab. And so on, Cairo seems to be the cultural city of the Arab world.
Why did I suddenly move from my world, to the egyptian capital? Haven't I got enough material to talk about Lebanon? Of course I do, Lebanon by itself needs years and years of writing.. But in my opinion, it would be useless time spent, since I myself, don't really get what's going in this fucked up world of mine. Not thta Egypt seems to be holding on better, or to be more understoodable, but, let's go back to Egypt.
Couple of days ago, in the peak of my disappointment moments from my country, I sat there, in front of the TV. Something I rarely do. And as I was zapping, just for the sake of zapping (it's a very relaxing exercise by the way), I fall on a really intriguing commercial!
Synopsis: a mother with a newborn visits a doctor. The newborn is crying, and the mother is confused and worried about her child. The doctor, while conducting the test, discovers that the mother is using rags instead of diapers!! And then teh doctor starts elaborating on the importance of the use of diapers.
The ad is part of an awareness campaign launched recently in Egypt to create awareness on the importance of the importance of the use of synthetic diapers instead of dishrags.
I thought I was very aware of the problems of under-developed countries, but to see such a campaign, and in Egypt?! I'm almost 25 now, and my mom used diapers when I was born! It brought me a whole new concept of under-development!
They do not only suffer from political corruption, from fake democracy, and so on, but they suffer from ignorance of the basic personal hygiene!
As selfish as this may sound, but this ad made me feel slightly better towards my country! How? Well, at least we use disposable diapers to wipe off the shit we have!
8.21.2008
Dear Diary..
Dear Diary,
I know I don't visit you much, and that probably I should call you "annuary" instead.. But I know you understand. The beauty of a diary is that it feels so intimate, so human. But most importantly, Diary can never be judgmental.. I think being judgmental is the worst a human be can be. It reflects how narrow minded he can be, how egocentric he can be, and how intolerant as well.
Narrow minded because he cannot open up to other mentalities, circumstances, and situations different from the ones he already knows.
Egocentric, because he's mostly judging according to his own personal standards, lifestyle, beliefs and so on..
Intolerant, because he simply can't accept the difference of the other, and the existence of this other while being different..
But I'm not here to talk about human behavior.. nor my behavior..
I'm here to lay my worries on you, knowing that you will not contribute in any solution.
Dear Diary.. As always I'm kinda lost.. The more answers I get, the more questions I ask.. I'm even re-questioning answers I thought I had already figured out.. i still worry too much about the future, I still worry too much about everything.. But mostly, I'm worried about myself...
I don't know how much more I can survive, or how many hits I can take.. I'm worried about the extreme reactions I'm getting.. I'm worried about the fact that I feel happiness at the peak of my worst moments in life. And that I take the liberty to feel sad, when everything seems to be working just fine.. Do I enjoy pain? Or Do i enjoy the challenge? Do I postpone my feelings of sadness for when I have the time and strength to face them? What am I doing to myself?
Sometimes I feel like I'm using me like one of those lab rats, where I keep testing the wrong reactors, and wrong solutions.. And the only results I get, come accidentally..
Then, at the peak of my confusion, the Super-Rary jumps right in: "That's not true Rary! You're a strong girl who can get everywhere she wants with just enough persistence, and a lot of bravery!"
And, then I think to myself: "PFT!! Great, I'm now schyzophrenic as well!"
Dear Diary, the joy in the world seems to be when I live on the edge of extremes.. The question remains: Do I survive? Will I survive?
I know I don't visit you much, and that probably I should call you "annuary" instead.. But I know you understand. The beauty of a diary is that it feels so intimate, so human. But most importantly, Diary can never be judgmental.. I think being judgmental is the worst a human be can be. It reflects how narrow minded he can be, how egocentric he can be, and how intolerant as well.
Narrow minded because he cannot open up to other mentalities, circumstances, and situations different from the ones he already knows.
Egocentric, because he's mostly judging according to his own personal standards, lifestyle, beliefs and so on..
Intolerant, because he simply can't accept the difference of the other, and the existence of this other while being different..
But I'm not here to talk about human behavior.. nor my behavior..
I'm here to lay my worries on you, knowing that you will not contribute in any solution.
Dear Diary.. As always I'm kinda lost.. The more answers I get, the more questions I ask.. I'm even re-questioning answers I thought I had already figured out.. i still worry too much about the future, I still worry too much about everything.. But mostly, I'm worried about myself...
I don't know how much more I can survive, or how many hits I can take.. I'm worried about the extreme reactions I'm getting.. I'm worried about the fact that I feel happiness at the peak of my worst moments in life. And that I take the liberty to feel sad, when everything seems to be working just fine.. Do I enjoy pain? Or Do i enjoy the challenge? Do I postpone my feelings of sadness for when I have the time and strength to face them? What am I doing to myself?
Sometimes I feel like I'm using me like one of those lab rats, where I keep testing the wrong reactors, and wrong solutions.. And the only results I get, come accidentally..
Then, at the peak of my confusion, the Super-Rary jumps right in: "That's not true Rary! You're a strong girl who can get everywhere she wants with just enough persistence, and a lot of bravery!"
And, then I think to myself: "PFT!! Great, I'm now schyzophrenic as well!"
Dear Diary, the joy in the world seems to be when I live on the edge of extremes.. The question remains: Do I survive? Will I survive?
8.17.2008
Ronald and I..
I've never been a fan of Mcdonalds. I can never swallow the food, if we can call that food! The Mcflurry is not that bad though.But right now, I suddenly felt the need for Mcdonalds. Not the Big Mac, not the Mcflurry, and definitely not the McPlay area. But the need for that Ronald Macdonald!
I never sat next to him on that bench, I always found that yellow with red a little out of style. And I despised that stupid "I'm lovin' it" smile!
But for now, he's all I can think of. That little space next to him suddenly feels like the only place I want to be in for now.. This might sound desperate, to a lot of people. It sounds too desperate even for myself, but the story is far from desparation, and very far from loneliness.
As a matter of fact, the story is MY LIFE, and the truth is: "I'm lovin' it", and there's no smile to match the one I have now, except that of Ronald MCD!
8.16.2008
Laundry
I turn off the lights..
I turn off the music..
It's 9PM, still early for me to sleep..
I barely sleep either way..
Alone in the space of my own room, wanting to enjoy the silence.. My silence..
But I live in a crowded street, silence rarely drops by unless forced by some militia shootings..
And the sound of my washing machine.. In the next room..
I wanted to enjoy my silence.. my peace.. But it's just too loud! Too much noise..
I close the windows..
But, the sound of my washing machine..
"Exaspérée", and just as I decide to give up and turn on my music, It says: "DON'T!"
But there's no one around, except my washing machine..
Yet, it's hard not to figure it out.. You just know it.. The voice of your silence.. Coming deep from far away, from your anger and doubts, from your dreams, and your fears..
I exhale, in relief.. I've been trying to catch my silence for a while now.. I exhale, and I smile.. In the loneliness of my room, I'm happy.. Happy for my warrior is here.. Tonight..
"Now Now Baby girl! You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you? But I thought you'd forget about me, with your LOUD LOUD Summer, and Upbeat music! I thought wisdom holds no longer any taste for you.."
And I keep on smiling..
"Chupulu, I have few words to say to you before I go: Don't let go! You are a warrior, and you know it! So stop denouncing your fate, and live up to it! You don't know any better either way! So, Breathe! Stand up! Smile! And Fight! And most importantly, don't forget what you're fighting for! Don't engage yourself in meaningless battles! Just.."
Suddenly, the sound of my washing machine stops! Interrupting My silence!.. I have to go check on my laundry :)
I turn off the music..
It's 9PM, still early for me to sleep..
I barely sleep either way..
Alone in the space of my own room, wanting to enjoy the silence.. My silence..
But I live in a crowded street, silence rarely drops by unless forced by some militia shootings..
And the sound of my washing machine.. In the next room..
I wanted to enjoy my silence.. my peace.. But it's just too loud! Too much noise..
I close the windows..
But, the sound of my washing machine..
"Exaspérée", and just as I decide to give up and turn on my music, It says: "DON'T!"
But there's no one around, except my washing machine..
Yet, it's hard not to figure it out.. You just know it.. The voice of your silence.. Coming deep from far away, from your anger and doubts, from your dreams, and your fears..
I exhale, in relief.. I've been trying to catch my silence for a while now.. I exhale, and I smile.. In the loneliness of my room, I'm happy.. Happy for my warrior is here.. Tonight..
"Now Now Baby girl! You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you? But I thought you'd forget about me, with your LOUD LOUD Summer, and Upbeat music! I thought wisdom holds no longer any taste for you.."
And I keep on smiling..
"Chupulu, I have few words to say to you before I go: Don't let go! You are a warrior, and you know it! So stop denouncing your fate, and live up to it! You don't know any better either way! So, Breathe! Stand up! Smile! And Fight! And most importantly, don't forget what you're fighting for! Don't engage yourself in meaningless battles! Just.."
Suddenly, the sound of my washing machine stops! Interrupting My silence!.. I have to go check on my laundry :)
8.15.2008
Scream
I'm itching.. Again..
The urge to write can be deadly sometimes. The need to organize my thoughts, my dreams, my life.. Everything is postponed, everything is useless, until I write down what I have to say. It's mystical in a way, because I can't really explain it.. It's just an urge that seems to be powerful enough to pause everything around it, and stop me right where I stand, freezing me on the spot until I get it out.. My life starts to pass in slow motion, my brain stops processing.. and the only thing that makes sense is a blank page to write.. an empty space to scream.
I think it all goes down to screaming.. Our first reaction to life: SCREAMING!
It doesn't need to mean anything.. It doesn't need to lead to anything.. Just a scream to say: "I exist! WORLD, hear me now! I exist!"
The urge to write can be deadly sometimes. The need to organize my thoughts, my dreams, my life.. Everything is postponed, everything is useless, until I write down what I have to say. It's mystical in a way, because I can't really explain it.. It's just an urge that seems to be powerful enough to pause everything around it, and stop me right where I stand, freezing me on the spot until I get it out.. My life starts to pass in slow motion, my brain stops processing.. and the only thing that makes sense is a blank page to write.. an empty space to scream.
I think it all goes down to screaming.. Our first reaction to life: SCREAMING!
It doesn't need to mean anything.. It doesn't need to lead to anything.. Just a scream to say: "I exist! WORLD, hear me now! I exist!"
8.03.2008
الراية البيضاء
قررت أن نعلنها حرباً مفتوحة
فطوبى لك
ها أنا أكتب إلى ذلك الفتى الذي صنع أحلامي يوماً.. ها أنا أكتب إليك، اليوم.. أنت الذي صنعت أحلامي.. هذا صحيح! ثم تركتني لتشرب فنجانك القهوة، أتخبط وحدي، كلما احتجت إليك..
ها أنا أكتب إلى الذي كان موجوداً يوماً و اختفى أبداً، فما أنت فاعلٌ اليوم؟
قررت أن تعلن الحرب و تطالب بأملاكك؟ خذ الأحلام التي وهبتني إياها فقد أكل عليها الدهر..
خذها كلها فأنا بحاجة للمساحة التي تحتلها لأضع مكانها المزيد من جنوني، و المزيد من مجوني، و المزيد من وحدتي
قررت أن تحارب! فهنيئاً لك الساحة و المعركة و كل ما تريد.. فأنا لا أريد شيئاً.. سئمت منك و من غوغاء حروبك و حروب غيرك.. لم أكن يوماً محاربة، و لن أكون..
فدعوني أعيش بسلامي، و مخاوفي.. و مجوني
فطوبى لك
ها أنا أكتب إلى ذلك الفتى الذي صنع أحلامي يوماً.. ها أنا أكتب إليك، اليوم.. أنت الذي صنعت أحلامي.. هذا صحيح! ثم تركتني لتشرب فنجانك القهوة، أتخبط وحدي، كلما احتجت إليك..
ها أنا أكتب إلى الذي كان موجوداً يوماً و اختفى أبداً، فما أنت فاعلٌ اليوم؟
قررت أن تعلن الحرب و تطالب بأملاكك؟ خذ الأحلام التي وهبتني إياها فقد أكل عليها الدهر..
خذها كلها فأنا بحاجة للمساحة التي تحتلها لأضع مكانها المزيد من جنوني، و المزيد من مجوني، و المزيد من وحدتي
قررت أن تحارب! فهنيئاً لك الساحة و المعركة و كل ما تريد.. فأنا لا أريد شيئاً.. سئمت منك و من غوغاء حروبك و حروب غيرك.. لم أكن يوماً محاربة، و لن أكون..
فدعوني أعيش بسلامي، و مخاوفي.. و مجوني
8.02.2008
Rary Version 2.4
My golden rule in dealing with any matter is: "when you don't know any better, simply stick to the basics"
However, even though this rule has proven its efficiency throughout the years, I'm starting to question the basics!
Every year I go through 2 phases of reassessment! one around new year, and another around my birthday, which happens to be in the middle of the year, so it's quite convenient!
This year, I'm looking forward to my birthday, which rarely happens. But this year, my life seems to be one of those Dewars ads: "Some age, others mature!"
23 felt old. 24 feels mature :) Perhaps because I accepted the fact that there will always be around 3 years of your life that you barely remember living, but you lived them either way, and perhaps because I realized that it's not as old as I thought it was. See, old for me, is when you become helpless, and unable to fulfill your responsibilities as you used to. At 23, I felt old, it's True! I felt helpless!
24 is just beautiful, bringing a lot of power with it, a lot of clarity, a lot of confusion as well. A beautiful confusion, one that makes you aspire for more living in order to resolve it.
I changed a lot over the past year, but mostly, I changed more over the years before. This year, I'm simply going back to the basics! It's true people should evolve instead of going back, but, you see, I tried to evolve so much thinking that what i had was very primitive, when in fact it's pretty evolved. Of course a little tweaking is needed from time to time, new things to be acquired, old stuff to be thrown away, but extreme makeover is no longer an option. It shouldn't have been an option. The best way to evolve starts by pinpointing your strengths, realizing where they come from, and where they can take you. And then you move to your weaknesses and decide how to overcome them. Most people go the other way around, I went the other way around, thinking that first you need to overcome your weakness. But when you do, without realizing your strengths, you'll feel kinda lost! So, first, build a home of strengths to run to when you're through of the battles against your weaknesses.
So this year, I'm back to my strengths, and to my weaknesses, trying to live in peace with my needs, my desires, and my goals.
However, even though this rule has proven its efficiency throughout the years, I'm starting to question the basics!
Every year I go through 2 phases of reassessment! one around new year, and another around my birthday, which happens to be in the middle of the year, so it's quite convenient!
This year, I'm looking forward to my birthday, which rarely happens. But this year, my life seems to be one of those Dewars ads: "Some age, others mature!"
23 felt old. 24 feels mature :) Perhaps because I accepted the fact that there will always be around 3 years of your life that you barely remember living, but you lived them either way, and perhaps because I realized that it's not as old as I thought it was. See, old for me, is when you become helpless, and unable to fulfill your responsibilities as you used to. At 23, I felt old, it's True! I felt helpless!
24 is just beautiful, bringing a lot of power with it, a lot of clarity, a lot of confusion as well. A beautiful confusion, one that makes you aspire for more living in order to resolve it.
I changed a lot over the past year, but mostly, I changed more over the years before. This year, I'm simply going back to the basics! It's true people should evolve instead of going back, but, you see, I tried to evolve so much thinking that what i had was very primitive, when in fact it's pretty evolved. Of course a little tweaking is needed from time to time, new things to be acquired, old stuff to be thrown away, but extreme makeover is no longer an option. It shouldn't have been an option. The best way to evolve starts by pinpointing your strengths, realizing where they come from, and where they can take you. And then you move to your weaknesses and decide how to overcome them. Most people go the other way around, I went the other way around, thinking that first you need to overcome your weakness. But when you do, without realizing your strengths, you'll feel kinda lost! So, first, build a home of strengths to run to when you're through of the battles against your weaknesses.
So this year, I'm back to my strengths, and to my weaknesses, trying to live in peace with my needs, my desires, and my goals.
طقوس تطهير
إذا كان كل ما بيننا هو مجموع روايات مكتوبة بأسلوب ركيك تشكل عاراً على الأدب و عاراً على الحب، أظن أنه من الأفضل أن نشعل بها النار الليلة..
لا شيء كالنار يطهر.. لا شيء كالنار يستعرّ و يتآكل
يكفيني حتى الآن ناراً و أحقاداً تتآكل بداخلي.. أنا التي لا حول لي على الحقد..
قد آن الآوان لأضرم النار فيك و أطهر نفسي من دبق كذبك و نفاقك العالق على جسدي.. قد آن الآوان لأنفض غبار عفنك عن زوايا أحلامي، لأزيح بثقلك بعيداً عن طموحاتي.. بعيداً جداً
آن الآوان لتشتعل و تطهر نفسك مني..
آن الآوان لتيقن أنه لا يد لك في أي شيء جميل فيّ.. لتتوقف عن التبجح بأنك صنعتني و ما زلت تصنعني.. أنت لم تصنع سوى نسخة سوداوية مني.. سوى فتات امرأة تتبعثر كلما مرت سيارة مسرعة بجانبها.. لم تصنع سوى كائن دوني يكاد لا يصلح حتى لأن يكون حيواناً أليفاً.. سوى فتات امرأة!
آن الآوان لتحترق هي أيضاً، فهذه المرأة ترفض أن يرافقها فتافيت نساء، ترفض أن يرافقها أشباه رجال..
هذه المرأة ترفض أن تكون غلطة إملاء.. أن تكون عاراً على الأدب..
فلنضرم النار في رواياتنا الركيكة، يكفينا تجنّي على اللغات
لا شيء كالنار يطهر.. لا شيء كالنار يستعرّ و يتآكل
يكفيني حتى الآن ناراً و أحقاداً تتآكل بداخلي.. أنا التي لا حول لي على الحقد..
قد آن الآوان لأضرم النار فيك و أطهر نفسي من دبق كذبك و نفاقك العالق على جسدي.. قد آن الآوان لأنفض غبار عفنك عن زوايا أحلامي، لأزيح بثقلك بعيداً عن طموحاتي.. بعيداً جداً
آن الآوان لتشتعل و تطهر نفسك مني..
آن الآوان لتيقن أنه لا يد لك في أي شيء جميل فيّ.. لتتوقف عن التبجح بأنك صنعتني و ما زلت تصنعني.. أنت لم تصنع سوى نسخة سوداوية مني.. سوى فتات امرأة تتبعثر كلما مرت سيارة مسرعة بجانبها.. لم تصنع سوى كائن دوني يكاد لا يصلح حتى لأن يكون حيواناً أليفاً.. سوى فتات امرأة!
آن الآوان لتحترق هي أيضاً، فهذه المرأة ترفض أن يرافقها فتافيت نساء، ترفض أن يرافقها أشباه رجال..
هذه المرأة ترفض أن تكون غلطة إملاء.. أن تكون عاراً على الأدب..
فلنضرم النار في رواياتنا الركيكة، يكفينا تجنّي على اللغات
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