I never really write about love.. And when I do, it's never really about me.. It's always about someone else.. It's always about a book, a movie, a fictional character.. Sometimes about a friend.. Sometimes about other emotions, that people mistakenly take for my own feelings of love..
I never really was in love before.. I never really wanted to either.. I don't know where it came from, but I always looked at love as a weakness.. One that I'm too strong to have.. One that I could never allow myself to have..
Love for me always ended the second I felt it's about to start.. And I never even got there, to the point where it would feel it's about to start.. I always pushed "temptation" away.. I guess I never wanted to feel dependent of anyone's existence.. or anything.. I wouldn't want to stop breathing whenever they'd walk away.. I wouldn't want to be crying, at least not anymore than I already do.. But I guess the main problem is that I wouldn't want to be happy either.. Happiness just seems to come with a great fear of loosing it all.. And I want to be fearless..
I never really was in love before.. And the few times I pretended I wanted to, were just very rare times when I wanted to be normal.. Just like everyone else.. But I wasn't.. I'm not.. I was fearless, I am fearless, and love was just a weakness that I couldn't have
Love for me always ended before it begun.. The second I would start smiling just at the sound of your name..
But there's something different today.. Today I write my own love story, the one that hasn't started yet, but the one that wouldn't be over.. at least not yet..
Love doesn't sound like a weakness anymore.. I guess when you have to grow up so soon, you just become an expert in lying to yourself.. And someone once told me that the worst sin that could ever be, is lying to yourself.. And to think that the second he said that, I was really proud, for just a second there, because I thought I was truly honest inside.. When in fact, that was just another lie, piling up with lots more to help me get through the day.. Just like the lie of me not wanting to have love in my life.. But moreover, not even needing at all..
I still believe it's not the end of the world to end up alone.. But I really believe it would be a better place if you have someone right there to fill it.. I would love to feel complete.. And to stop hiding away from life.. Because life happens, either way.. It's just a shame to miss the thrill ride and stay where you are watching it pass by simply because you're too scared to throw up..
Today I write my own love story.. The one that hasn't begun yet.. But the one that definitely will, one day..