It's 6:15AM, of a Monday morning. I'm not awake because it's a working day, I happen to have the luxury of not having to wake up before 8:30AM, which is in two hours from now..
After a night of agony, where I barely had no more than 15 minutes of sleep, not that I remember any sleep at all, I lay awake wondering if I should keep trying to sleep, or if it's not really worth it anymore.
I wonder as well if it was a wise decision to decide to quit pain killers, live with the pain, and keep the brain. I wonder if it's not too late to change my mind. But then again, the morning sun tells me that i made it through the night.. That I survived..
We sometimes overrate our ability to accept certain things in life, or underestimate how strong they could be. I think I had an overdose of pain that is making me question whether watching a new sun rise really means I survived, or if I'd be able to get up in couple of hours and head to work, and if so, would I be able to make it through the short 6 hours' schedule that suddenly seems too long for a routine.
Pain killers.. I can't even remember why did I decide to fight them like a brave soldier to begin with.. It's as if I woke up to a pain that seems to be growing exponentially.. I feel like a drug addict, but I think they feel even worse, trying to get through rehab. I think I should use the "light at the end of the tunnel" technique, but I only see more pain in the end..
Maybe it's just a lack of sleep.. I'm sure it will pass, it should pass.. I'm just trying to reach out for a void that seems to be fit enough for me to scream my heart out, cry my heart out, so I could get up in couple of hours, get dressed, and head to work those 6 short schedule hours..
I will survive.. I must survive.. But that overdose of pain, along with a light sleep night really have a great effect on making you question your abilities, your motives to begin with, but mostly your sanity..