I know I don't visit you much, and that probably I should call you "annuary" instead.. But I know you understand. The beauty of a diary is that it feels so intimate, so human. But most importantly, Diary can never be judgmental.. I think being judgmental is the worst a human be can be. It reflects how narrow minded he can be, how egocentric he can be, and how intolerant as well.
Narrow minded because he cannot open up to other mentalities, circumstances, and situations different from the ones he already knows.
Egocentric, because he's mostly judging according to his own personal standards, lifestyle, beliefs and so on..
Intolerant, because he simply can't accept the difference of the other, and the existence of this other while being different..
But I'm not here to talk about human behavior.. nor my behavior..
I'm here to lay my worries on you, knowing that you will not contribute in any solution.
Dear Diary.. As always I'm kinda lost.. The more answers I get, the more questions I ask.. I'm even re-questioning answers I thought I had already figured out.. i still worry too much about the future, I still worry too much about everything.. But mostly, I'm worried about myself...
I don't know how much more I can survive, or how many hits I can take.. I'm worried about the extreme reactions I'm getting.. I'm worried about the fact that I feel happiness at the peak of my worst moments in life. And that I take the liberty to feel sad, when everything seems to be working just fine.. Do I enjoy pain? Or Do i enjoy the challenge? Do I postpone my feelings of sadness for when I have the time and strength to face them? What am I doing to myself?
Sometimes I feel like I'm using me like one of those lab rats, where I keep testing the wrong reactors, and wrong solutions.. And the only results I get, come accidentally..
Then, at the peak of my confusion, the Super-Rary jumps right in: "That's not true Rary! You're a strong girl who can get everywhere she wants with just enough persistence, and a lot of bravery!"
And, then I think to myself: "PFT!! Great, I'm now schyzophrenic as well!"
Dear Diary, the joy in the world seems to be when I live on the edge of extremes.. The question remains: Do I survive? Will I survive?