Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - VI

Dear Diary,

As I walked around LaLa Land, feeling enlightened, I decided I'm no longer aiming to become a girl, being an enlightened prototype made me feel complete, made me feel that becoming a girl was only the logical next step for those who didn't know better. And now, I know better!

My first decision was to pick a name for myself, and for the parrot as well. Now that I have someone who could call my name, I should pick a name I'd like to hear. It's not easy to pick a name, it's something that will stick with you for the rest of your life, it's who you will be from now on. That was a tough decision!

It still is a tough decision, since I haven't figured out yet what to call myself. Maybe, Stella.. It was a name I used to like, and I used for a while during my life on Earth. Yes the voices told me my life on Earth didn't exist, but it did. I was there, but I'm here today! And that's what they meant, that what really matters is TODAY, right where I stand. Today, I stand on the edge of the world, Lala's world, in a magenta sky, with a color fading slowly and slowly, announcing the end of the day..

I never knew what the sky looked like when the day ended, so I stood there, with Coucou on my shoulder, gazing at a sky that can never become familiar, fading away into what I will soon discover..


There goes my heart..

There he stood in the hallway of my hollow heart; Hesitating to move forward, but too late to go back.. And I couldn't even invite him in either. It was too late to ask him to go back, but I'm not sure I'd want him in either.

My hollow heart was just full of crap nowadays, I wasn't sure he'd fit in anyway. Where does he stand from all this nonsense that goes inside my head? Where do I stand from all this void that keeps growing bigger and bigger?

The thing about void is that it's just as filling as all the other crap in the world, it's an emptiness that leaves absolutely no space for anything else, let alone anyone else, not even your own self!

And it just grows bigger..


Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - V

Since it's been a while that I left this Diary, I feel it's important to remind myself of where I last stopped:
..."Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"

And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"

<<<<<< Dear Diary,

That was the defining moment of my life, the moment where I chose that AGONY might have the real joys of life, at least for me. The moment where I decided not to limit myself with common sense, since anyway, I was always senseless to the common.

And as my common sense was telling me to walk away from the room, and from the voice, I knew, in my crazy distorted logic, that I have to go in. That it's time to meet my fears, to meet those thoughts that were controlling my life, those standards set by "them". It's time to meet "them". So I walked in.

I don't know if my general sense of dark humor that made me laugh, or if it was just my greatest disappointment acting up! I expected to walk into something scary, and I walked in to find a parrot. A beautiful parrot, a colorful one if I may say. I've never seen on LaLa land any other form of living creatures. It was just a parrot making me live the illusion of life here, and the memory of life there.

I thought I existed, back on Earth. I still think I exist here on LaLa Land, but is this reason enough to mean that I'm really here? That I was really there?

I asked the Parrot, but apparently, he never had any answers, he only had these last words: "I'm not here to answer new questions, I'm here to remind you of your own old answers".. He reminded me of nothing! Except, perhaps, that trip to the zoo. I still can't tell if it was on Earth, or if it was here..

But since my common sense was guiding me to dig more and more about the parrot, I decided to let it go, follow my madness, and just take the parrot as it is, put it on my shoulder, take a deep breath and step out of the room..

I turned my back, and stepped into a world of magenta sky, with the parrot on my shoulder..



It's raining today, the winter took a bit of time to come this year, it's slightly cold, but deep inside, it just feels colder and colder than every other year.
What I like most about the weather is that it's always the greatest material to start a topic, in my case today, to start a feeling, to develop a dream.. Perhaps, to fall in love as well. Perhaps to just have something to talk about.. Anything to live for, anything to die for...
Actually, I'm not really looking anymore for any reason for any.. Not everything in life needs to be justified. I live, I die, I didn't need a reason to breathe in the first place, why would I need one now? And when I die, it wouldn't be my choice either, so again, why waste time finding reasons for that? Why waste time pushing meanings into what completely was, and will always be ABSURD!


من ؟
سيحتوي أزماتك ، ويعيد إبتساماتك
و يكون "المايسترو" الذي يقود عجقة حياتك ؟
من سيوصلك الى حلبة الصراع! منتصرةً سلفاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

سيقاوم ضعفك، ويحتويه بحنان وصدق !
ويغرقك بكلمات الحب دون البوح بها
من سيتهاوى على جسدك الرقيق، كفراشة تداعب بجناحيها ورق الياسمين
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

يعرف لحظات جنونك وسكونك
وفي غيابك يفتقد وجودك؟ وفي حضرتك يستأنس
من سيرتقي بك لحدود الغيم، حيث النجوم تتدلى مصابيح للكون
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

سيفرض عليك قوانينه ، وتقبلين بها
من سيخترق أفكارك ويعرفها قبل أن تصل لإدراكك
ويلعب بمشاعرك، كعازف الكمنجة الحزين.
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

سيستفز كبرياءك، ويستنفر طاقاتك، لإثبات ذاتك؟
من سيكون الربان لحياتك، وقائد جيوش القوات الخاصة لمحاربة أعدائك؟
من سيملأ قلبك بأغاني الشوق، ومشاعر لم يشعر نها حالم
من سيداهم أوهامك، ويقلبها واقعاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل!

بقلم هاني زيادة


A Shooting Star..

It's been a really long time I haven't experienced little girls' excitement over what may seem not so interesting events, but that would mean the world to them..

Yesterday, I saw a shooting star.. I don't recall if I made any wishes, maybe I did as a first reaction, but it's not about ceasing the opportunity to try to push your wish around the universe; it's about that little hope only a dying star can give you..

My shooting star was so fast like a glimpse of an eye, so quick that for a second there I thought it's only an optical illusion. But deep inside, right there in the back of my mind, I knew I saw it, moreover I knew I need to believe in it. I need to believe that some things don't happen on a daily basis, not even annually, but eventually, one day they will happen. One day I will happen.

My shooting star came at one of the moments when I use the darkness to hide my tears, when I crawl in the backseat of a car, holding my fragile soul in my hands, and offering it to the wind of the unknown growing stronger with the speed of the driver.. And my fragile soul shaking, and just as I was putting my hands out of the window, to let the stream take it away, along with everything else, a star decided to die.. A shooting star decided to save my soul, to let me know that it will happen, that I will happen.

So I took my soul back, my fragile soul. Looked back at the sky, perhaps hoping for another star to fall off, but I knew I shouldn't push my luck that much..
So I turned my eyes back on the road, that long road ahead of me...


Google ME..

No, not the Middle East.. ME, as in myself..
No, not my name either..
Not my achievements.. Not my failures..
Just me..

Google me, and find me..
Find me what I want..
Find me what I feel..
Browse through my options..
Check my potential..
Explore my dreams..
Unveil my future..
Look through my past..

Google me
And tell me where you find me..
Tell me what you see of me..
Tell me what's left of me..

In a world no longer mine..

And I can see myself, barely moving.. Just like those slow motion scenes in the movie "The Matrix", I move ahead slowly towards my greatest crash against the world.. A world no longer mine.. And as I collide, the shock wave blows me further and further away.. Almost, just almost to where I want to be.. But not quite there yet..

Stuck in the middle of nonchalance and absence.. Where nothing ever needs to have any meaning, and a day never needs to have a tomorrow.. Just with no dreams, and no memories, watching myself, barely moving.. In a world, no longer mine.. In a world that never was mine..