Planetary Tour..

This used to be my place when I want to scream.. I climb up the ladder and sit at the edge of the Moon.. But whenever I settle down, and get ready to shout, I noticed that huge blue ball, and just think how amazing it is to have your entire world at the size of a football, and that you feel you can just kick it anytime you like..

This used to be my place when I want to think.. I'd jump off the moon to land on Mars, and just take a walk, exploring the wilderness where nothing wild exists, except my thoughts..


And that one right there is where the heart is, on the dark side of Uranus, hiding away under the blue, burdened with all the sadness in the world, with all the fears, all the worry, but more with all the joy and all the love in it..

Can you see that little one right there? The one with the big hallow around it? That's where the dreams are, with a shock-wave around them to protect them from reality.. on Saturn..

And Jupiter, just between my thoughts and my dreams, standing there holding my confusion.. That's where I go when I want to enjoy the beauty of feeling completely clueless and lost..

There's Venus too for feeling clueless, but it's mostly to feel a girl.. It's good from time to time to feel girly..

Mercury just ahead Venus, is for serenity, is when you know you're almost there..

Neptune, the other blue ball next to Uranus, that's my peace of mind there..

But can you see Pluto out there? The furthest of them all? Yes that little deserted ball in the end! That's where I take you!! Beyond my success (Mercury), beyond my silliness (Venus), beyond my world (Earth), beyond my frustration (moon), beyond my thoughts (Mars), beyond my fears (Jupiter), beyond my dreams (Saturn), beyond my heart (Uranus), my coward heart (the dark side of Uranus), and my peace of mind (Neptune).. That's where I take you..

حنين إلى نفسي

أتوق إلى الجنون الذي لن أعيشه إلا معك، أتوق إلى هذا الشعور بألم المعدة، كما لو أن أعضائي الداخلية تتضخم و تتضخم حتى يكاد قفصي الصدري يتفكك، كما لو أن عظامي تُسحق تحت خفة مشاعري.. هذا الشعور بالتحرر، هذا الشعور بأن رئتاي لا تؤدي وظائفها الحيوية إلا قربك.. بأن الحياة لا تبدأ إلا حين تطل عبر ذلك الباب الذي أقضي الصباح كله أراقبه، و لا تكتمل معانيها إلا حين ترفع رأسك لتلاحظني.. هذا الشعور بأنك الوحيد الذي تستطيع أن توقف دورات عقلي، ليعيش كل شيء آخر فيّ

أتوق إلى هذا الحب الذي لن أعيشه إلا لك، إلى سعادتي بانعدام كياني كلما تدير ظهرك لتخرج عبر الباب ذاته الذي يبدأ عبره وجودي، إلى إحساسي بالاكتمال حين تقبل يداي، و نشوتي بتلعثمي حين أحاول أن أبادلك أطراف الحديث

أتوق إلى حين كنت امرأة و ليس مجرد آلة تتحكم بجميع أحاسيسها و أفكارها و أحلامها.. إلى حين لم يكن هناك إحساسٌ إلا لك، و أفكارٌ سوى عنك، و أحلامٌ إلا معك.. أتوق إليها و أشتاق إليك و أحنّ إليّ

My Heart..

My heart is as light as a soap bubble
I watch it go up, higher and higher
And then, it just pops..
Vanishing, as if it never existed
As if it was always invisible to you
As if it was never noticed..

My heart is as fragile as a light bulb
I watch you throw stones at it
And then, it just pops..
Shattering, as if it was nothing
As if it was always scattered
As if it was never whole..

My heart is as heavy as a rock
I watch it stand on the edge of the world
And then, it just drops..
Sinking, deeper and deeper under water
As if it was always at rock bottom
As if it never saw the surface before..

And then, it just stops!

Just a smile away..

It's hard to recognize you anymore.. nor myself.. It's like two different worlds drifting apart.. and apart.. We were never soulmates; that, I'm sure of! But you were always there to make it worth the stay, and I was always there to make the walk count..

Just like two lost souls souls hanging on to each other, until either one of us finds his own way.. I must say I don't think you found yours, even though you always pretended to have.. You were always certain, I was never sure! And that's why we were perfect: you to give me reassurance, and me to give you doubts.. And everyone else thought there were more into us, more than just two lost souls leaning on each other, until either one of us finds his way..

Just two lost souls who thought they had it all, but never really knew what to do about it.. And today, we're drifting further and further apart, with no possibilities ahead to meet again.. But then again I'm never sure, and you're always certain.. Always certain that you got it all figured out.. And I'm always sure we got it all wrong.

Then a little lost soul walks by, smiling.. It just seems it had it all, it just seemed nothing was wrong.. And now I'm sure, making sense was no more than just a smile away..

All that she wants..

She came to me and told me: I want to be whole!
And I didn't know what to tell her, I've never been whole, or maybe I was, but it's been a really long time that I don't know anymore..
She was standing there, with tears in her eyes, looking up to me as if I held the answers of all her troubles, as if I can just wipe all her tears away, and make her smile.. As if I was her only hope, her last straw to hold on to life.. And I just didn't know what to tell her..

She grabbed on to my skirt and asked me: show me how to be complete! Tell me how I can be strong like you? Tell me how I could figure it all out, just like you do!
And I didn't know what to tell her! That it's just a fake cover I hide my little lost soul behind? That I'm not an entity by myself, that I'm not as strong as she may think? Or that for each warrior, a time of the day comes where he needs to rest, and she just needs to rest now? And that she'll be whole again when she steps back into the battlefield?

I didn't know what to tell her then.. I still don't know what to tell her now..
Maybe, that it just.. sucks, all this confusion..
It just sucks!

Reflection..

As I look at my reflection in the mirror,
And watch it fade away,
Little by little..
I know I'm on my way..

As I look for my reflection in your eyes,
And see it's no longer there..
Little by Little,
I realize you're on your way..

I go back to my mirror,
To ask my reflection,
Which is no longer there:
Have I lost my way?

Unbalanced..

It was just today that I realized equilibrium was something I never had, and free fall is something I only have with you..

"And I know I'm not falling in love.. I'm just falling in pieces", from the song "Wreck of the Day".

I guess it's nothing but a refreshing fall, where your lungs open up, and you just scream your heart out, and you feel alive. Then you come back to earth, to stand up unbalanced. But it doesn't feel weird, it's like you spent your entire life, lacking of equilibrium, overwhelmed with abnormalities.

Fragile, as if a gentle summer breeze would be enough to roll you over, but it doesn't.. And you keep standing, unbalanced, carrying the burden of your own abnormalities.. And the last thing i remember of you is your image standing on one foot, carrying the world in one hand, my heart in the other, and trying to catch a fly with your tongue..

A free fall is something I'll only have with you, because no one is more unbalanced than you are to understand perfectly that equilibrium is not made for girls like me.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

It's really great for the person who wrote those lyrics to know that someone felt his existence through his words. That even though he walked alone, he was noticed; but mostly, he's not alone out there.. He's just on his own road, and other people live the same way, carry on through the day without having any reasonable end in sight; typing their heart out, without really knowing how it will end..

"I walk these empty streets, on the boulevard of broken dreams"

It's sad really to wait for a song to remind you of all the dreams you left behind, the ones that you don't even dare to have, the ones that you were too weak to hold, and those you were too naive to believe in..

"I'm walking down the line, that divides me somewhere in my mind"

It's really fucked up to get yourself psychoanalyzed on the beats of a guy who has more make-up than yourself, especially when you're a girl..

"Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone"

- As it may seem obvious: written while listening to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by GreenDay -

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - IV

Dear Diary,

I always wake up not feeling myself. Ever since I've been here, I've been wanting to leave. I just can't really adjust to all these changes, at least not at once. But mostly, I don't even know what I am to feel myself; "They" don't even know what I am yet, how would I?

Being a prototype is like having to be there, without ever being there. I walk as if I'm an invisible person, if we were to believe that I'm a person. I don't drink, I don't eat! Oh how I miss the filthy pleasures of life on earth!

Anyway, so I'm not myself today, like everyday. I get out of bed and walk towards the dressing room; in LaLa Land, we don't need to go to the bathroom, since we don't eat, there's nothing to digest, there's no morning breath to wash your teeth for, and we don't wash up our faces, we just change one everyday. So, I match my skin color to that of the sky. It's magenta today, we can wear whatever we want, as long as it's not magenta, nor red, nor yellow, nor purple, nor blue, nor black, and nor pink. So I decided to wear a lower half of orange, and an upper half of white. I never mix, so today might be a good day to start something new.

And now I stand in front of my set of feelings. In LaLa Land you have either this or that. Life is either black or white, whereas life on earth is a greater shade of grey. So I either have the choice between happy or sad, calm or mad, good or bad. There's also the combo packages, for lazy prototypes like myself who just don't see the use of being too picky. I only have two choices of combos: Euphoria or Agony. I always pick Euphoria, I think everyone else does too. But nothing ever changes, I always remain feeling-less. Maybe those feelings buttons are not operating yet, or maybe, and this just struck me, feelings on LaLa Land are different from earth, like everything else. We instinctly choose Euphoria because we relate to what we aimed for on Earth. As I feel enlightened, and excited, which is quite new to feel on LaLa Land, I reach out to AGONY!

And BOOM! A sirene starts beeping louder and louder and louder, and all of a sudden I see myself walking towards the auto-destruction room. I've never been there before, I thought about visiting this room that lays in the heart of my own home so many times, but I never had the courage; I had the reasons, but never the courage. And now I'm walking there, when I absolutely have no reasons to, this was the first time I feel excited about being here, the first time I feel myself here, then why on Earth am I going to that room? And why am I not able to control my body?

Am I going to be terminated? Am I going to start a new life as a girl or a boy? Perhaps it's the room where you move from prototypes to an actual being? Why on Earth am I going there?

- "Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"

And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"

- To be continued! -