Tomorrow, Tomorrow.. I Love Ya, Tomorrow..

I never really write about love.. And when I do, it's never really about me.. It's always about someone else.. It's always about a book, a movie, a fictional character.. Sometimes about a friend.. Sometimes about other emotions, that people mistakenly take for my own feelings of love..

I never really was in love before.. I never really wanted to either.. I don't know where it came from, but I always looked at love as a weakness.. One that I'm too strong to have.. One that I could never allow myself to have..

Love for me always ended the second I felt it's about to start.. And I never even got there, to the point where it would feel it's about to start.. I always pushed "temptation" away.. I guess I never wanted to feel dependent of anyone's existence.. or anything.. I wouldn't want to stop breathing whenever they'd walk away.. I wouldn't want to be crying, at least not anymore than I already do.. But I guess the main problem is that I wouldn't want to be happy either.. Happiness just seems to come with a great fear of loosing it all.. And I want to be fearless..

I never really was in love before.. And the few times I pretended I wanted to, were just very rare times when I wanted to be normal.. Just like everyone else.. But I wasn't.. I'm not.. I was fearless, I am fearless, and love was just a weakness that I couldn't have

Love for me always ended before it begun.. The second I would start smiling just at the sound of your name..

But there's something different today.. Today I write my own love story, the one that hasn't started yet, but the one that wouldn't be over.. at least not yet..

Love doesn't sound like a weakness anymore.. I guess when you have to grow up so soon, you just become an expert in lying to yourself.. And someone once told me that the worst sin that could ever be, is lying to yourself.. And to think that the second he said that, I was really proud, for just a second there, because I thought I was truly honest inside.. When in fact, that was just another lie, piling up with lots more to help me get through the day.. Just like the lie of me not wanting to have love in my life.. But moreover, not even needing at all..

I still believe it's not the end of the world to end up alone.. But I really believe it would be a better place if you have someone right there to fill it.. I would love to feel complete.. And to stop hiding away from life.. Because life happens, either way.. It's just a shame to miss the thrill ride and stay where you are watching it pass by simply because you're too scared to throw up..

Today I write my own love story.. The one that hasn't begun yet.. But the one that definitely will, one day..

Almost, but not quite..

I spent this weekend in the capital, where I lived 4 years of my life, and which I left 2 years ago. I've been there throughout the past 2 years, but I guess I was more optimistic about this visit, thinking there should be more life than the past 3 unstable years. But I was wrong, and I couldn't help but wonder why was I optimistic to begin with. Maybe I'm just trying hard to believe in our new President. But I guess like all previous presidents, prime ministers, and other political leaders in my country, it's just not gonna work out between us. But I know I could be dreadfully picky sometimes!

So after a short weekend full of reminiscence and great memories of the old Beirut, the one that used to be at least 4 times crowded than now. The one where it felt safe for a girl like me to wonder alone, even at late hours of the night. I remember when I used to say that Beirut is lovely, if only it was less crowded. I didn't realize back then that the beauty of capitals is how crowded it could be, how wonderful it is when you find a quiet street after spending half an hour in a suffocating traffic. I didn't think I'd miss waiting in line for my American Coffee at Starbucks, or that I'd love to go to a restaurant where they'd kick me out because I have no reservations..

It's just not the same.. And it's just sad.. Walking into a city in agony..

Great Expectations

"Great Expectations Lead to Great Disappointments.."

I don't even feel like elaborating on this.. It just is! Should I change the expectations in order to become less of the failure I am?

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - III

It's Yellow day.. It's that day of the year where everyone who's supposed to die dies.

"They" decided it's more appropriate if people mourn on the same day, and if people faced the fear of dying once/ year only. If you wake up to see the yellow sky, you know that for sure you have another year to live, which by the way, happens to be formed of 30 terrestrial days. Knowing the exact year you'll die in, is a privilege that comes when you purchase your "eternal knowledge" package, which is only available for senior LaLa landers, and not for prototypes like myself.

Personally, even if I were authorized, I wouldn't purchase that package. I think my experience on Earth taught me not to fall for shiny titles. An ETERNAL knowledge that will let me know when I will die. PFT! A new way to make us more uncertain on whether we're ephemeris, or not..

I wouldn't want to know when I'd die, my life will be over the second I'd know. It will be a series of preparations for death. And I wouldn't want to be one of those who never realized how important it is to seize the day and live their lives to the fullest, until they're sure it's over..

I was born sure that it will be over.. So I wake up to see the Yellow sky.. I look outside the window, and try to guess where the sun is.. I wonder why "They" never changed the sun... "They" either turn it on or off, but it still seems like the same sun I used to know.. I just no longer have the same skin to enjoy it..

As I watch prototypes passing by, confused on whether they should be mourning or celebrating their retention of life, I couldn't help but smile. We're played beautifully indeed: "They" gave us one day to mourn when in fact there's noone to mourn! I don't even know the name of my Green Boy, I was sure I'll never see him again, as emotion sensors would not allow us to be in the same area. I don't know any of those prototypes passing by, not even the girls, and nor the boys, and never will. They could die, or not, noone would really know. All we could know is we're alive. I'll never understand why "They" do the things "They" do.

But as long as it's Yellow Day, I might enjoy my time trying to guess where the sun really is..

Rehab..

It's 6:15AM, of a Monday morning. I'm not awake because it's a working day, I happen to have the luxury of not having to wake up before 8:30AM, which is in two hours from now..
After a night of agony, where I barely had no more than 15 minutes of sleep, not that I remember any sleep at all, I lay awake wondering if I should keep trying to sleep, or if it's not really worth it anymore.

I wonder as well if it was a wise decision to decide to quit pain killers, live with the pain, and keep the brain. I wonder if it's not too late to change my mind. But then again, the morning sun tells me that i made it through the night.. That I survived..

We sometimes overrate our ability to accept certain things in life, or underestimate how strong they could be. I think I had an overdose of pain that is making me question whether watching a new sun rise really means I survived, or if I'd be able to get up in couple of hours and head to work, and if so, would I be able to make it through the short 6 hours' schedule that suddenly seems too long for a routine.

Pain killers.. I can't even remember why did I decide to fight them like a brave soldier to begin with.. It's as if I woke up to a pain that seems to be growing exponentially.. I feel like a drug addict, but I think they feel even worse, trying to get through rehab. I think I should use the "light at the end of the tunnel" technique, but I only see more pain in the end..

Maybe it's just a lack of sleep.. I'm sure it will pass, it should pass.. I'm just trying to reach out for a void that seems to be fit enough for me to scream my heart out, cry my heart out, so I could get up in couple of hours, get dressed, and head to work those 6 short schedule hours..

I will survive.. I must survive.. But that overdose of pain, along with a light sleep night really have a great effect on making you question your abilities, your motives to begin with, but mostly your sanity..

On a Sunday Morning..

It's a Sunday morning, once again.. The morning where I wish you're here to wake me up, with soft kisses perhaps, or maybe with gentle hair strokes.. And I'd smile for you, with my eyes shut, giving you my approval for more pampering..

Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I long for you, even if for few minutes, even if fore few seconds before opening my eyes up to realize, you're not there.. You were never there.. And you might never be there either..

Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I mourn your absence , even if for few minutes, even if for few seconds..
I knew yesterday, before going to bed, that this morning, it will not be too easy to shake you off my life, off my thoughts and off my dreams.. Still, I couldn't help but to long to be devastated by your light presence along with this gentle autumn sun..

Yet, I end up smiling, after realizing that you're not there, that you were never there.. But you still have a way of making my day, on those Sunday mornings..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - II

Dear Diary,

As I walked down the street of my daily routine life, with a beautiful blue sky, and a sun well shining, I suddenly smelled fresh baked Blueberry muffin. It all seemed too good to be true, just like my morning back on earth. But I knew that here on LaLa land, we don't have fresh baked blueberry muffin, I think it was just a technical mistake They've made.. Or it was maybe just me being too reminiscent of my old days.

Those very few seconds of longing for a blueberry muffin made me realize I should stop living in the past. I'm no longer a terrestrial, I should deal with it. Life in LaLa Land is not really bad, everyday we have a new sky color; it never rains (something I hated back on earth, but apparantly I miss it while it's gone); it's never cold and never hot, always mild; no earthquake nor LaLaquakes; no global warming; no economic recession; no presidential elections; etc..

I'm a Lala prototype X now, and I should act upon it! Maybe I should consider enrolling in one of those rehab programs tailored to help Prototypes "take that step" into becoming who they were supposed to be. Being a girl on earth wasn't so tempting, perhaps here it would be different.

Maybe it's time for me to finally meet my destiny..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - I

Dear Diary,

I woke up today early as usual, but it was dark today. So I reached for the Sun to turn it on, the switch wasn't working. And you just know I don't like getting up when it's still dark, so I decided to use my telepathic function one hour earlier to try to reach the Sun maintenance department, it turned out the Sun was working just fine, it's just that today is Purple Sky Day, so the Sun's light cannot be as strong as usual, because they wouldn't want the sky's color to fade.

How did I forget about this day, it's the day I hate the most out of the year, I prefer the day when the sky is green, I can even tolerate it when it's red, but PURPLE! I never liked that color when I was on earth either, but I guess there's nothing I can do. I'll never know how they decided on the sky colors, nor why did they decide to change it everyday to begin with. At least, they provide us with calendars ahead in time, so we could match our skin color accordingly. The thing is, for Purple skies, girls get Pink, boys get Green, and prototypes can get the shades of what they were supposed to be. So now you know why I hate Purple day? Because being a Prototype X means I have to be any shade of Pink, a color I could never be with the sort of tan I have. I guess being a girl is a luxury the working class cannot afford.

So I tried to put on some Pink powder, which made me look like a clown, and went out, with my dark skin, fake pink face, and a purple sky.

I was sure the Fashion police will arrest me today, so as I was walking as fast as I can, I stumbled and was this close of falling into pieces if it wasn't for this beautiful Green boy who grabbed me in the very last second before I hit the ground.

Maybe Purple days are not so bad afterall..

It's that time of the night..

It's that time of the night, where you turn off the lights and lay awake, getting ready to sleep.

Some are blessed with the ability of sleeping the second the lights are off, others are blessed with the ability to sleep even with the lights on; and others are blessed with the ability to stay awake, with eyes wide open, enjoying the darkness.

Darkness can be really beautiful when you dare looking it in the eye; it has a way of lighting your way.. I could say I developed a cozy relationship with the darkness that surrounds me. It's the one that listens to me going through what i've done during the day, or complaining about what I should have done. It's the one that knows the details of my future plans, the one to see a real smile of self-satisfaction, and the one to see me trying to smuggle my late night tears

It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and smile. It's that time when I smile, not of self-satisfaction, but because of all those little things that make it tough to live the day, of the minor details that help you pull it off, of the sweet dreams that give you the persistence to carry on, of the summer breeze coming gently in this hot summer night.

It's that time of the night, where I look my darkness in the eye and see it smiling back at me, just because of those little things you say to help me get through the day, of all the plans I make, of all the things that I am, and of that sweet tune playing softly in the background of this hot summer night.

It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and wish it good night..

S O S

Mommy, it doesn't feel too good today
Here inside my head..
Everyhing seems to fall in decay
I'm slipping away, far ahead..
To a world, I'm not even sure exists..
And I want to hold on.. to anything..
But everything is slipping away..
And I try to grab.. to anything..
But everything is going to decay..

- Mommy, will you take my hand?
- But, baby girl, you've already slipped away..

It just doesn't feel too good today..
Here inside my head..

Shower Guy

Couple of months ago, a friend of mine wanted to tour a friend of hers on our little city. And since she needed a tour herself as much as he needed, she called me up and I was their tour guide. Something I love to do whenever I get the chance, for no apparent reason, other than the fact that it's very amusing to see how people can perceive a part of your daily life as a totally new experience.

One of the most touristic attractions in my city, is "Khan Al Saboun", in other words, it's just a place where they sell hand made soap, with different shapes, different uses, and different scents. I have a collection myself, mostly Lavender and Amber, one of my two favorite scents, whenever I get a chance to smell.

So after our visit to the Soap Shop (my English for Khan el Saboun), the friend of my friend explained to us why he bought so many soaps. He told us the story of the shower guy, whom he met during a trip to india. He's a pro at telling stories by the way. So the story goes like this, as he was wandering in the streets of Mumbai, he couldn't help but notice this guy who held something under hir arm, so tight, as if it was a treasure, with a very big smile on his eyes. He was walking very quickly, but short steps. And my friend couldn't help but follow him, the guy had a very intriguing overall ora, and my friend is just curious. few steps later, the guy stops near a public waterspot (I'm not sure that's what it's called, but I'm sure you got the picture), he takes off his clothes and he starts rubbing himself with soap. My friend says he had never seen someone rub himself this much with soap, nor someone that happy and that eager to be taking a shower. He showed him how important a shower could be. That shower indian guy tought my friend that what we take for a daily normal act of personal hygiene, is a blessing we should be more aware of.

At that time, I just thought that my friend's friend just has a story for everything! Which I liked, to be fair. But today, after about 3 days or maybe more of stinkiness, and almost a coma, or was it more? Anyway, as I experienced an unconventional joy during my shower, where I felt that I wanted to thank everyone involved in the industry of shampoo and shower gel making, I couldn't help but remember my friend's story. I truly felt the blessing of personal hygiene!

Untitled - I

Leila, a 33 years old, is now pregnant, with her 9th child. Her eldest, 16 years old, is now working. The rest, 14, 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3 years old, also work. Even her new born, I think he's about 10 or 12 months old, that she carries around in her arms. This family of 10 members, and a husband who lays back at home, work together, in their own family business. They are beggars!

They live in a tent, and they relocate according to seasons. I met Leila and her family in one of the most attractive summer destinations, in the mountains of my homeland. That's her forth year in a row she camps out there. According to her, business was good even during 2006, when there was war in the rest of the country.

I wasn't interviewing Leila officially, I was just in one of my chi-chat moods. Maybe that's what made her so elaborate in explaining her situation, or maybe because she sensed that I wasn't going to give her any money. I wasn't being mean or anything of the sort, I just don't like encouraging this line of business, and I think I was very firm and clear about my No to her, but in a friendly way.

So, back to Leila's family business. Apparently, the husband doesn't work, not because he's lazy (according to her), but because he needs to wander around each of the family members' locations. You see sometimes people pick up on them, sometimes someone might try to molest them, and "you never know, it's not a safe world anymore" someone might try to kidnap them and kill them to sell their organs. So, Leila continues by explaining: "my husband is a responsible man, and he needs to protect his family, he doesn't have time to work himself, and thank God, we're making enough money. Two years ago we bought a land property back home, and now we're trying to build up a building with one apartment for each of the children. That's why my kids work harder than the rest of the families, and they know how to talk to people, they know that the money they bring is not going to be wasted on an alcoholic father, like in other families i know. They know they're building their future, and they know their father is a responsible man indeed."

Leila and her husband are a very responsible couple indeed! It's undeniably true! They are building a future to their children, "unlike other families", and put aside the fact that they consider breeding as an investment, but life is about give and take. They're taking a little, but they are giving back, and plus it's not like they're stealing other people's quota of children. To each his life!

To each his life indeed. I don't even know if I should judge Leila and her husband for being lousy parents, or if I should blame the ministry of tourism for allowing such profession to exist to begin with, or if I should blame the ministry of social affairs for not providing such families with other alternatives, or if I should blame it on capitalist systems where wealth is not divided equally! But then again, Leila is now building her own family building; so, speak of wealth! I don't know if there's anyone to blame to begin with, or if I should even care!

But I do care! I do feel bad for those children! I do believe they should be in schools, having at least same opportunities as others! I do feel that it's completely unjust for them to be on the streets, working at that age, and in a profession with a lot and a lot of risks! But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to put food on his table! Or in this case, a child's gotta do, what he ought to do!

Tomorrow will not be a brighter day, and the world is not going to be a better place. At least, not yet!.. Perhaps, eventually!