Rary's World

Whores' outlets; شبابيك عاهرات

2012-01-01T13:34:00.001+02:00

I'm reposting this article on my personal blog in order to publish an english translation of what I wrote. A translation that was voluntarily offered by Samar M. Salma, whom I deeply thank for the effort and time she took to translate it.

Whores' Outlets

By Rawaa Kalsina

Dear Honorable People of the day,

Indeed I am a whore….The Democratic Congo's whore…I was raped not less than sixty times, mostly during my daily chores; to fetch food and water ….once to settle a dispute between tribes….once to force my family to leave in order to monopolize the wealth discovered in my town…once for a no apparent reason…just for the heck of it….

Indeed I am the whore, my mother was a whore just like me. She was raped too in spite of her old age…

My seven years old daughter had become a whore too after being ravished with a knife… My husband refused to declare mourning over his whore child. Instead, he divorced me and abandoned the entire family. It dishonored him to connect his honor with that of a whore. You hastily described me as a whore and accused me of asking to be raped…at the same time and similar to me, you force your women to leave the house and secure a living. Indeed, we are the whores and you are the honorable.

Dear Honorable People of the day,

Indeed I am a whore… I am the whore of the Pearl Square in Bahrain. I demanded social justice and set up a tent thinking that the presence of the female will awaken a sense of Arab magnanimity and prohibits you from attacking my sons and brothers but you accused me of being a Persian whore who uses her tent for whoredom. You attributed my demands to foreign agendas and turned the cause into a sectarian incitement, you brought down my honor just like you brought down the Pearl Square. Indeed, I am the whore that hoped for a job similar to those you endow upon expatriates. Indeed, I am the whore that wanted a fair political representation.

Dear Honorable People of the day,

Indeed I am whore. I am Al Tahrir Square whore… I incited your resentment by searching for the countries stability rather than looking for a husband to settle with. I searched for the revolutions ceiling that protects the entire population rather than searching for a man to provide me with a shelter as if I am without a shelter…. I joined the sit-in, set up a tent in search for social justice and to fight corruption and you accused me of descending to the field to search for a man and to fight spinsterhood… I said I do not want a man before I can get a homeland, so you examined my virginity. As if a virgin is incapable of perception beyond searching for a wedding night. Indeed I am that whore that wanted to liberate you from a blindfold that blinded you… so you hastened and stripped me in the street to avenge my voice and notions.

Dear Honorable People of the day Indeed,

I am a whore…. A blogs whore… I wrote with a female’s pen who is exploring with causes and dreams so I was arrested before my nineteenth birthday… I declared a food strike after spending two years in jail and you hastened to internet sites wishing death upon me and labeling me a traitress whore… a traitress for writing about the Palestinian cause and Arabism so I was arrested… I was arrested for offending the country’s dignity and the republic’s person when I declared with a whores bluntness that “I wanted to claim power, sir, even for a day to create a “Republic of Sensation” and Oh what a whore! How can a whore address the president … How can a whore demand presidency … How can a whore aspire to establish a republic … “A Sensation Republic”… Sensations apparently are the curse of whores…Indeed I am Tel El-Molohi the whore that sits in prison for unleashing her pens whoredom.

PS This message is directed towards societies that measures their honor between women’s thighs and then does not hesitate to label its women with dishonor… To clarify, this article was not written by Tel El-Molohi. It supports her for starting a food strike since Tuesday and is undergoing a campaign of insults ever since.

Translated by Samar M. Salma

I would also like to thank the blogger bluebra for translating and commenting it, to find the other version of the translation, please visit the following link: http://bluebra.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/translation-of-whore-windows-by-rawaa-kalassina-2/

شبابيك عاهرات

أعزائي شرفاء اليوم،

نعم أنا عاهرة.. عاهرة الكونغو الديمقراطية.. اغتصبت ما لا يقل عن الستين مرة، غالباً أثناء رحلاتي اليومية لجلب الطعام والماء، مرّة في تصفية للحسابات بين قبائل، و مرة كي تدفعون بعائلتي للرحيل كي تسيطروا وحدكم على الثروات التي اكتشفت في بلدتي، ومرة بدون سبب واضح، فقط للمزاج.. نعم أنا العاهرة، أمي أيضاً عاهرة مثلي، هي ايضاً اغتصبتموها على الرغم من كبر سنها.. ابنتي البالغة من العمر سبع سنوات أصبحت هي ايضاً عاهرة، بعد أن اغتصبتموها بالسكين.. زوجي رفض أن يعلن الحداد على طفلته العاهرة، عوضاً عن ذلك، طلّقني وهجر العائلة بأكملها، فهو لا يشرّفه أن يرتبط شرفه بعاهرات.. فسارعتم أنتم أيضاً لتصفوني بالعاهرة، وتتهموني بالبحث عن الاغتصاب، في حين تجبرون نساءكم مثلي على الخروج هن لتأمين لقمة العيش.. نعم نحن العاهرات، وأنتم الشرفاء..

أعزائي شرفاء اليوم،

نعم أنا عاهرة.. عاهرة دوار اللؤلؤة في البحرين.. نزلت لأطالب بالعدالة الاجتماعية ونصبت خيمتي ظناً مني أن وجود أنثى سيصحّي فيكم الشهامة العربية ويمنعكم من التهجم على أبنائي واشقائي، فاتهمتوني بأنني عاهرة فارسية أفتح خيمي بيوت دعارة.. نسبتم مطالبي إلى أجندات أجنبية وحوّلتم القضية إلى تحريض طائفي وأطحتم بشرفي كما أطحتم بدوار اللؤلؤة.. نعم أنا العاهرة التي طالبت بمساعدات سكنية كالتي تقدّم إلى مقرّبي الحكم.. أنا العاهرة التي تأملت بوظيفة كتلك التي تغدقون بها على المغتربين.. نعم أنا العاهرة التي أرادت تمثيلاً سياسياً عادلاً..

أعزائي شرفاء اليوم،

نعم، أنا عاهرة.. عاهرة ميدان التحرير.. أثرت حفيظتكم لبحثي عن استقرار البلاد عوضاً عن البحث عن زوج أستقر معه.. بحث عن سقف الثورة يحمي كافة الشعب عوضاً عن البحث عن رجل يأويني، وكأنني بدون مأوى.. اعتصمت ونصبت خيمي لأبحث عن العدالة الاجتماعية ولأحارب الفساد، فاتهمتوني بنزولي إلى الميدان لأبحث عن رجل وأحارب العنوسة.. قلت لا أريد رجلاً قبل أن أحظى بوطن، ففحصتم عذريتي، إذ لا يمكن لعذراء أن تفكر بأبعد من البحث عن ليلة الدخلة.. نعم أنا تلك العاهرة التي أرادت أن تحرركم من ذلك الغشاء الذي يعميكم، فسارعتم لتعريتي في الشارع انتقاماً من صوتي وأفكاري.

أعزائي شرفاء اليوم،

نعم، أنا عاهرة.. عاهرة المدونات.. كتبت بقلم فتاة تكتشف القضايا والأحلام، فاعتقلت قبل أن يتجاوز عمري تسعة عشر عاماً.. أعلنت إضرابي عن الطعام بعد قضاء سنتين في السجن، فسارعتم إلى مواقع الانترنت لتتمنوا لي الموت، ولتصفوني بالعاهرة العميلة.. عميلة لأنني كتبت عن القضية الفلسطينية والعروبة فاعتقلت.. اعتقلت لأنني مسست بكرامة الدولة وشخص الجمهورية عندما أعلنت بوقاحة العاهرة أنني "أريد أن أستلم السلطة ياسيدي ولو ليوم واحد من أجل أن أقيم "جمهورية الاحساس"".. يا لعهري! كيف لعاهرة أن تتجرأ على مخاطبة الرئيس.. وكيف لعاهرة أن تطالب بالرئاسة.. وكيف لعاهرة أن تطمح بإقامة جمهورية.. جمهورية الاحساس.. فالأحاسيس على ما يبدو لعنة العاهرات.. نعم أنا طل الملوحي، العاهرة التي لا تزال تقبع في السجن لأنها أطلقت العهر لقلمها..

ملحوظة: هذه رسالة إلى مجتمعات تقيس شرفها بين فخذي المرأة ثم تستسهل رشق نسوتها بوصمة عار..

للتوضيح هذا المقال لم تكتبه طل الملوحي، هو فقط يساندها لأنها بدأت إضرابها عن الطعام منذ نهار الثلاثاء وتتعرض لحملة شتائم على الانترنت منذ حينها..

بقلم روعة كلسينا

http://trafficjam.blogs.france24.com/article/2011/12/28-0

من العدم وإلى العدم تعود

2011-12-08T16:57:00.004+02:00

للخريف في باريس هذه القدرة على إيقاظ كافة حواسك.. يخلق منك دوامة ويرميك فيها، مع أوراق الشجر المتساقطة.. فتطفو في العدم، غير آبه للكآبة المقبلة.. مستسلماً أمام هذه الطبيعة التي تتعرّى بأنوثة ليليت، وقسوتها...

تتشقلب مشاعرك كالبهلوان، تارة تريد القفز من أعلى الجبال من شدة النشوة.. وتارة من شدة اليأس.. تحديداً كما تتشقلب المشاهد حولك من كافة مشتقات الأصفر والأرجواني، إلى كافة مشتقات الرمادي.. الرمادي فقط، حتى الأبنية رمادي، وجوه الناس رمادية.. وأنت نفسك، كقط الجار الرمادي، لا تنشد سوى الجلوس على كنبتك أمام النافذة تنظر إلى التلاميذ يجرّون أنفسهم جرّا إلى المدارس.. الموظفون متلحفون.. مشهد مثير من شدة التناقض بين الطبيعة التي تخلد إلى النوم، وأنت وجنسك تحاولون عبثاً أن تواصلوا الحياة.. كم كانت لتكون الحياة أجمل لو كنّا دببة.. شتاء كامل من النوم.. لا ثلج ولا برد ولا سماوات ملبّدة..

لم أؤمن يوماً أن الإنسان هو أذكى المخلوقات.. أذكاها اليوم هي الطيور المهاجرة.. تهرب في الوقت المناسب من هذا الجنون الذي يجرّك نحو اللا شيء.. نحو اللحظات التي تتوقف دهراً، نحو العبث، شعورك بأن أيامك تمضي عبثاً، أن وجودك أة عدمه لا يعلو أهمية عن تلك الورقة التي تتطاير أمامك.. نحو الصراخ، الصراخ كي تكسر هذا السكون.. فالخريف كالأفلام الصامتة.. ربما لأنك قابع خلف النافذة.. وربما لأن هيبة الموت تفرض سكوناً لا تقوى على كسره.

للخريف هذه القدرة على جعلك تدرك أنها النهاية، لكنّك تفتن بها، أنت الذي دائماً تخشى النهايات.. تقبل نحوها.. وبكامل الخنوع وبكامل التلاشي... تقفز في العدم...

It's more than just a status!

2011-12-06T02:16:00.001+02:00

You're really proud of all that? This is one of the question that cross my mind when I read some statuses on FB. The problem is I think that some people repost them without even considering what it really means, and what it really says. or at least I hope so. I think in this case, ignorance can be more relieving than the thought that some people would consciously mean every word they're saying on FB, and intentionally indulging themselves in sexism, racism, arrogance and selfishness.

One of the recent feminin statuses that are spreading is the following:

"Yes, I'm a female. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I'm laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers. I hide pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story, when it really is not, just to get out of having to tell it. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don't care about me. I am strong because I have to be, not because I want to be. I listen to you, even when you don't listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I am a WOMAN!!!!! Re-post if you're a lady and proud of it !"

Laughing harder when you try to explain why you're laughing: really?! Being a woman means that you do that?

Walking into a room and forgeting why you were there is usually a sign of a distracted mind which could mean that you're overloaded and stressed, or could be a sign of alzheimer. If it happens so often, go to a doctor.

You count on your fingers: I'm becoming hopeless here. SERIOUSLY? And all the other who are good mathematicians and accountants and scientists, are less of a woman because they're actually not counting on their fingers, and trying to imitate men? Which leads to the question, so you truly believe that no man ever uses his fingers to count on? How is that relevant to being a woman and specific to your gender?

I can go down the list one by one, but I think the point is clear so far. You reposted it, because you are proud of being a woman, but everything this status says before reaching the "yes I am a woman" is sexist, despising towards women, stereotyping them as inferior creatures who are there to listen to the male, and be clumsy the rest of the time, which is ok, as long as you're fulfilling the holy duty of ebing there for your man!

Another status that provoked my feminist side:

"Oh you ask....do I work? Uh yes, 24 hours a day...I am a Mum! I am an alarm clock, a cook, a maid, a teacher, a nanny, a nurse, a taxi, a handyman, a security officer, a photograph er, a counsellor , a jungle gym and a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay or days off. I work through the day and night, and am on call 24 hours and get paid with hugs and kisses ♥ Post if you are a proud Mother! ♥"

I used to say that I'm not a feminist, that I don't understand this fight against men. I discovered that the fight is first against women. We are our kind's worst ennemy. We are the one spreading the stereotype that we are fragile, weak and mostly stupid, without even realising the danger of stereotypes.

There are other statuses on FB of course, but two samples are enough for now.

شاعر

2011-08-13T15:38:00.002+03:00

بحور الشعر اثنا عشر

لكن على الرغم من ذلك

يستطرد الشعراء

إذ يحق لهم ما لا يحق لغيرهم

عرفتك مجنوناً مثلهم

لا تحدك بحور

تعيش فوق القوانين

في الاستثناءات

فسمّيتك شاعري

تشكلّني كما تشاء

فتارة تضمني

وتارة تكسرني

وتارة تسكّنني

بنقطة على السطر.

نعتٌ أتبع المنعوت

كالجرو لا ينشد سوى التبعية

مفعول به خافضٌ لفاعله

مجرورٌ دائماً وأبداً

أتغاضى عن أخطائك.. الإملائية

وأتقبل تحريفك.. لللغة

في خضم الشدّ والكسر

تاه عني أنني أنا السبب

فقد نصّبتك شاعراً

وأنت لست شاعراً بشيء

لست سوى جملاً اعتراضية

Not so simple..

2011-08-09T20:08:00.001+03:00

It became a habit for me to write each year a new year's resolution.. it's a concept completely coming from "chick flicks". making a diet, breaking up with the a-hole, hooking up with your summer crush, quitting smoking, quitting your lousy job, figuring out what you want.. It immediately appealed to me.. Not the resolution itself, but writing resolutions, so by the end of the year you look back at those simple things you wanted a year ago, and smile about how you did nothing of it, and how your year was a bit more complicated than that..

It's good sometimes to look back to see what we aspired for, not so long ago..

I didn't write my resolutions for 2011.. And I wish I did.. I'm sure I was aspiring for a promotion, or to get a good grade, and of course the usual "I wanna lose 5 kilos this year" that never happens..

I wish I did write those silly, simple plans.. Because 2011 is far from being a simple year.. And right now, I'm just craving for simplicity.. Craving for few minutes where I don't think about Arab Spring, financial crisis, children in Somalia, nuclear in Japan.. craving to look back and say "yay, I got my promotion even though I didn't lose my 5 kilos".. craving for concerns that evolve around the dilema of which bathing suit to wear this summer..

So.. I log in to social media.. You know? those platforms that are supposed to have been the instigator of revolutions?.. The only mean for syrians to show to the world how their regime is killing them? And I do see some very few concerned members worried about what's happening in the world.. But mostly I see funny videos, I laugh at them don't get me wrong, I even share some of them.. I also see statuses of the kind "bummer", and bummer indeed..

I'm not criticizing, I just hope that all the silliness circulating through social media is just coming from people who give a damn about what's going on in the world, but who, like me, are just craving for some simplicity to help them take a pause, and mayeb grasp it all..

As for some of my dear Lebanese friends, yes I am criticizing you, because I hate to break it to you, but planet earth does not evolve around Lebanon. And, no, Lebanon does not have it all. Lebanon doesn't have half of it: no regular electricty, no drinking water, safe future, no good infrastructure, do you really want me to list it all? And the famous sea and mountain at 20 minutes, well guess what, it exists elsewhere, and with the way we're handling urban management I wouldn't count very much on the beauty of our mountains in twenty years. As for what we call our famous democracy, well I don't know how you call it democracy when it's basically the same bunch of people who are running the country since ever. Our leaders hand out their seats to their sons, daughters, and sons in law.. I mean, wake up, we're not even one single step ahead of any of the autocracies in the Arab world, they moved to autocracy, while we stayed in feudalism. All in the name of protecting the rules of common living of the 17th confessions we have. We lived a civil war and we still criticize each other: for religion, for opinions, for everything. It just seems that the only thing that we finally got to agree on is that guys should wear Ralph Lauren polos, and girls should have any item of Burberry's collection. We just agreed that we should remain BRANDED!

The world is moving ahead, and you're still lost in the vicious circle of "being a Lebanse", the great life loving people who can party anytime anywhere, even when it's war, we party in bomb shelters.. And when we're partying, we can't help but brand yourself with the political party you sympathize with when certain songs come up.. And they do come up, always! because if they don't, you'd ask for it!

You believe in the so called freedom of press in Lebanon whereas Samir Kassir, Jubran Tweini were assassinated, and May Chediac survived an attempt. And many others are threatened when they decide not to be bought up.. You believe in freedom of press because journalists working at Future TV are free to criticize people of 8th of March (or the ex 8th of March), and people in Al Manar are free to criticize the USA, Israel, and every lebanese who's answering to an "american zionist" agenda.

Another flash news: you can actually stand for the people's revolution in Syria and at the same time support people in Bahrain, it's not a sunni-shia fight, it's the fight of two people who are bearing injustice and discrimination by minorities who are ruling them. So STOP being selfish and stop being afraid for the "so called stability" of Lebanon. Millions of people in Syria don't have to shut up and accept their situation to protect the great and wonderful four millions Lebanese. And no Lebanon is not even stable! STability doesn't mean that you can go out in the ngiht and come back home alive!

And please you are free to have an opinion that is completely contrary to mine, but you only get me to respect it when you're basing it on actual knowledge and information, not on the news from the one-sided channel that you choose (wether it's 14 or 8th of March), and specially not when you base your opinions on the news that you never watched but on the information you caught during a side discussion around coffee!

I guess that's why I didn't write my simple new year's resolution.. Because there's nothing simple about the way people seem to not even realize that they are lying to themselves.

السياسة من منطلق لغوي

2011-07-01T19:37:00.000+03:00

لفت انتباهي اليوم المصطلحات السياسية..

الديمقراطية، الدكتاتورية، الليبرالية ، وغيرها

إلا أن السياسة عربية ولم نترجمها بوليتيكية مثلاً

بوليتيك لغوياً بمعناها الشامل تشير إلى الإطار العام لمجتمع منظم ومتحضر.. بمفهومها القانوني هي ناتجة عن الدستور وبالتالي هي منهجية وأسلوب حياة ومفهوم المجتمع وفق تعاليم ال دستور..

أما السياسة، فهي من ساس أي قاد الرأس.. مثل ساس الخيل..

وسياسة الخيل تبدأ من مرحلة ترويض الحيوان - حيوان هنا ليست شتيمة -

من مراحل الترويض يقوم السائس بإطعام الخيل، وتنظيفه، وتغنيجه أو بالمعنى العامي بملحسلو، إلى أن يقتنع الخيل أن السائس موجود لخدمته وراحته.. وأن نعيمه يرتبط كلياً بالسائس ..

عندها يلجم السائس الفرس ويربط السرج ويركبه..

فينطنط به كما يحلو له، ويلعن سلافه..

ولكن الفرس لا يجرؤ على الإعتراض فإن نعيمه يرتبط بالسائس.. وبالتالي يبقى مركوباً إلى ما لا نهاية..

وقد يحدث أن يمرّ فرس فحل في أحد الأيام، ويعاند.. لكن السائس ينجح معظم الأحيان بترويضه، وإذا فشل يلجأ إلى تحرير الفحل.. ويظن الفحل أنه إكتسب حريته فعلاً بمغادرته القطيع، ولكن بعد حين يدرك أنه نُفي وأنه لم يهاجر فعلياً بإرادته..

نقطة على السطر.

Random thoughts about everything and nothing..

2011-06-28T14:20:00.002+03:00

Just because you write notes on facebook doesn't mean you're a writer..

Just because you have a blog doesn't make you a writer either..

Just because you published several books, doesn't mean you're a writer either.. Most leaders of the world today published books, some of them didn't even read them..

Being a world leader today is actually being a salesman.. You need to sell at a state level what your country produces: weapons, aircrafts, nuclear plants, oil exploration sites, and the list is long.. It would be better if they had a business experience rather than politics.. Well in that matter, Lebanese are cutting edge, if you want to become a prime minister, just be a millionaire businessman.. It doesn't mean that you would actually have enough money to buy the post, but you'd have a shot at it..

Speaking of Lebanese, just because you say "hi, kifak, ça va?" doesn't make you trilingual.. But I'll give you the credit for knowing how to sell yourself.. (in the good sell, as in market your skills, not in prostitution way)..

Prostitution.. is to get favors (money, a job, a phone, and sometimes even sillier things) in exchange of sexual services.. Unfortunately, some girls think that they managed to get what they want due to their "femininity"..

Femininity is to actually get what you want without having to perform a blowjob..

A blow job cost Dominique Straus Khan the head of FMI, and potentially his chances at becoming a president of France.. Dommage.. It was just another example of how some men are controlled by their "zizi" as the french call it.. Apparently soon a new tv show called "the zizi effect", in comparison to "Al jazeera effect"..

Just because Al Jazeera said it (and other media), doesn't make it true.. But when the national TV (in some friendly countries) says it, then it's definitely not true..

True.. truth is the version you choose to believe in.. there are facts.. it's different.. Truth is a metaphysical philosophical concept than can be found on so many levels.. However if you believe that you can find the truth on TV, or in the decision of an International Court, then you'll be disapponited..

Disappointment, is a very strong weapon.. You can use it to request a better performance from people you have authority on.. And you can use it as an excuse to lay in bed and give up in front of people who have authority on you..

Depression.. became a common word, and a common feeling.. You easily say that you're depressed, that you're down.. Very few know what it really feels like to hit rock bottom..

Just because you have suicidal thoughts, doesn't mean you're down either.. Consider it as part of your daily creativity, your longing for tragedy, and then DO NOT JUMP in front of the train, just get on it, and reach your destination..

Destination is as vague as home.. GPS won't help you find either..

GPS.. this great tool, yet very abusive.. you can ctually be tracked anywhere you are, anytime.. And now the new gadget is to actually allow Facebook, and friends to check you into places where you are.. Considering that half of your facebook friends are not really your friends, I don't see how some people are not revolted by this invasion of privacy... I'm referring to those who enjoy the gadget and didn't deactivate it..

But I learnt recently that common sense is not as common as we'd like to think.. Didn't you ever have this question: "how the hell is this person thinking?".. Well I'm sure some people say that about you too.. But still my ego persuades me that my logic is very logical..

Just because your ego makes you think you're right, doesn't mean you have to go in endless arguing with those who are not as enlightened as you.. Sometimes it's good to stick to social code of conduct and just live and let live..

As for the social code of conduct, I still didn't find the manual, but some people seem to know a lot about it.. Maybe it's smart to just do what they do.. Unless if you don't care, which is a relief in most of the times.. Others will say you're a weirdo, but noone will expect much from you either.. it keeps the pressure off..

And one last thing, if you have a zillion friend online, if you tweet more than 50 times per day, if you change your status on Facebook at least 3 times per day, and if you think that people love you just because they press like when you say "I'm bored".. Then you should seriously disconnect, and start living real life..

رحل

2011-06-10T00:53:00.001+03:00

أكتب وأمحي

ولا أجد ما أريد أن أقوله.. لك

هكذا كنا وهكذا بقينا

كلما أردت أن أقول لك ما أريد قوله

ضعت في معاجمي وهربت مني الكلمات

نعم، هي قلة شجاعة مع القليل من إنعدام الثقة

وأنت الذي كنت تتهمني بالثقة المفرطة

ثقة ترعب الرجال وتبعدهم على حد قولك

أعود لأمحي

نهائياً..

فأنت لم تعد هنا لتسمع..

حداد

2011-05-19T11:40:00.000+03:00

أعلنت الحدادعلى جميع من ماتوا منذ بداية العام..

على من أحرقوا أنفسهم يأسا فأشعلوا أمة بالأمل..

على من قُتلوا من أجل الثورة ضد أنظمة أكل عليها الدهر..

و على من ماتوا أيضاً دفاعاً عن الأنظمة ذاتها..

قد يرى البعض في مساواتي للطرفين معاداةً للثورة و الحرية و ربما حنيناً للنظام السابق..

لكم حرية التفكير و التفسير و لي حرية مساواة الجميع أمام الموت..

أعلنت الحداد على من ماتوا ضحايا زلزال أو تسونامي أو انهيار ثلجي..

و على من نجوا ليموتوا جراء إشعاع نووي..

و من نجوا من كل ما سبق ليموتوا بسكتة قلبية..

أعلنت الحداد على أطفال ماتت تسمماً..

و أمهات ماتت أثناء الولادة..

و أطفال ماتت قبل أن تولد..

في يومنا هذا ما زال هناك أناس يموتون من عضة برغشة أو تسمم غذائي في حين نزرع روايا اصطناعية في بلدان أخرى..

أعلنت الحداد على من يموتون منذ سنين من الجوع..

في حين يموت آخرون من السمنة..

و آخرون يموتون حرقاً لأنهم يطالبون بتنحي رئيس لم يربح الإنتخابات..

أعلنت الحداد على أولئك الذين يموتون في اعتداءات انتحارية يومياً..

أعلنت الحداد لأننا اعتدنا على موتهم..

يومياً..نعدّهم بالعشرات..

ثم ننهي نهارنا بحصيلة قتلى اليوم..

و تمر الحصيلة كما تمر نشرة الطقس في نهاية النشرة..

مرور الكرام..

أعلنت الحداد على أولئك الذين لا يساوي مئة قتيل منهم قتيلاً واحداً من الطرف الآخر..

بحكم موقعهم من الفاصل..

و على أولئك الذين قرر البعض تناسيهم لأن قضيتهم تخضع لأجندة أجنبية..

و كأن المهزلة التي نعيشها اليوم هي سيادة مستقلة..

أعلنت الحداد على أولئك الذين تقولون أنهم "يستحقون الموت"..

و الموت يَستحق و لا يُستحق..

يوم المرأة

2011-03-09T21:53:00.000+02:00

عزيزي وعزيزتي المؤمنون بضرورة إلغاء يوم المرأة العالمي لإستبداله بواجب إحترام المرأة كل يوم من أيام السنة..

شكراً لنيتكم الصافية وتفاؤلكم كي لا أصفه بالسذاجة!

للأسف احترامكم الشخصي للمرأة ليس واقعاً عاماً يسهل عيشه وتطبيقه كل يوم بهذه السهولة التي تصفونها .. الواقع العام اليوم هو إمرأة قد تتقاضى أجراً مساوياً للرجل في بلدانٍ نادرة وبعيدة، ولكن معظم الوقت ما زالت تتقاضى أقل من الرجل..

في أحسن حالاتها هي رئيسة للجمهورية في البرازيل وهيلاري كلينتون في الولايات المتحدة أو انجلا ميركل في ألمانيا ، وغيرهن في بلدانٍ تعاني بالرغم من ذلك من تمييز بين المرأة والرجل..

ولكن في معظم حالاتها ما زالت وراء الرجل العظيم، وبعيدة جداً من أن تكون بجانبه..

لا زالت لا تملك حق إختيار زوجها أو عدم الزواج في عددٍ كبيرٍ من الدول..

ما زالت تعاني من العنف تجاهها بالرغم من ظاهرة النساء اللواتي تعنفن الرجال..

مازلت تغتصب بشكل متكرر في بعض دول أفريقيا.. إغتصاب يعد كفعل حرب! وتنتهي مغتصبةً مطلقة مرميةً في الشارع لأن زوجها لم يعد يحتمل فكرة إنتهاك شرفه.. بتعبير آخر لم تعد صالحة للعمل وتأمين الدخل بسبب صحتها المتدهورة .

وما زالت النساء تموت يومياً بسبب العنف المنزلي..

وما زالت تنعت بالعاهرات إذا عبرت عن رأي مخالف للدين والعادات والتقاليد..

هل تنعت أنت عزيزي بالعهر إذا قررت أن تنادي بالحرية الجنسية؟ في أسوأ الحالات تدعو لك أمك بأن يهديك الله ويستر عليك..

نعم.. هو يومٌ من أصل 365 يشعركم أنتم بالذنب لقلته.. فشكراً لكم! ولكنه يمر عل العديد مرور الكرام، والأسوأ أنه يمر على البعض (الكثيرين) بسخرية وإستهزاء..

أنتم وذنبكم لا تمثلون واقع المرأة إليوم، ولا تغيرون أبعد من محيطكم إذا غيرتم!

فشكراً لكم لترك يوم المرأة بحاله.. فهذا كل ما تملكه اليوم، إذا ملكته..

My personal monologue

2011-03-06T23:44:00.004+02:00

Once upon time, I was arrogant enough to believe that I understand human being.. That was very long time ago.. The more I live the more people confuse me.. The more I see the more things make less sense, that is if they ever made sense in the first place..

Human vanity, selfishness and arrogance remain one of the main things that exhaust me. And yes I chose the word "exhaust". It is exhausting to argue with people who are arrogant enough to consider that they know everything, and that you, poor little creature who doesn't get things, are just so cute when you think you know.. I'm sick as well of tolerent people who, by their tolerence, insinuate that in fact they are right, you are definitely wrong, but they are graceful enough to allow you freedom of opinion.. Well THANK YOU very much..

I'm also sick of people who pretend that they accomplished things by taking credit for other people's work. Sick of people who argue back and forth for hours without ever giving you the time to finish a sentence, thinking that they know ahead what you're going to say. To sum it up, I'm bored of people going into endless monologues about themselves, about life, about you, about me,..

I'm tired of people who have no purpose in life as much as I am tired of those who have plenty of purposes. Of those who believe in God as much as of those who don't. Those who complain about everything, and those who are satisfied with everything and anything. Those who are always on the opposition side, and those who run!

I'm sick of people who never change anything, and those who change everything without knowing what they want to change to..

I'm tired of people falling back in the same traps that led them to wars not so long ago, and tired of those who remained silent for years ruled by tyrants.. I'm tired as well of having to be hypocrite, because you should feel, think and be compliant with certain standards, without every having a manual for appropriate social behavior.. I'm just sick, like every now and then, of social obligations: having to be polite, not beating people up when you find them stupid, forcing yourself to accept others' ideas without judging them, being neutral and "objective".. being good..

And the list goes on..

Everything is just moving very fast, and you no longer have the luxury to take a pause to figure it out, unless if you really want to quit it all..

From Libya

2011-02-23T23:09:00.001+02:00

A testimonial of a Libyan citizen near Tripoli - unedited:

I live close to Tripoli and a citizen..wondering how after all what he is doing a human being can still be for..I had hope in the "Libya of tomorrow" as they called it a lot of my generation..the ones he named "the generation of anger", sarcastically of course. This generation knows him only and his cruelty and tactiques to control spreading fear, avidity, doubt..as he is doing even more these two day..I had hope in gradual change like a lot of Libyans who are pacific by nature..I worked for projects and wanted to see the end of the tunnel even if apart of some meager crumbles of positive points we clunched to..the corruption was/still is eating the country..corruption from inside yes but internationally as well..the government bought European countries...America ..Big "Democracies" lecture makers..This way to delaying ...not thinking but wondering who is going to be the next one to deal with for business and oil even on coarps of innocent people ..as usual..as usual.

The situation?

Isolation..even more..mobile connections are jammed smses randomly reach or not ..but threatening SMS are spread..others are buying ..credit is offered to corrupt..so the situation is quite..we never had bombarding..the word used in Arabic is wrong..what may have happened is shootings from a helicopter as friends saw shot holes on the top of buildings..some of the weaponds are heavy ones as you can hear in some of the videos u have already (the one at night in tripoli city)

Today people are the four options you proposed and persisting persisting persisting ..because we all know..that he never threats in the air..and he never had mercy..

Expats at this point are not worth more than libyans before the eyes of the mercenaries..so they are of course scared and shocked..

For the question..yes, some are still afraid and unsecure..the net, phone..all is filtered and filed for future repressions as usual..

But...a big percentage stopped being afraid and talk freely on the phone..nearly..

The Eastern area is all free..the Western as well..only Tripoli and it's surrounding cities are still oppressed..three military bases surround them preventing, for the moment, the ones from outside to go in with their weaponds and help the ones inside who have only their bare hands to fight militias who don't think twice before shooting..our youth isn't afraid..they do not want to die and desapear uselessly as it already and is happening..They are isolated...but really angry offended in their deepest pride..we have always been offended and reduced swallowing and swallowing in the name of peace and hope..enough

زبد

2010-10-20T19:50:00.000+03:00

ترميني تنهيدةً في بحر الغربة
لأضيع سدىً... كزبد البحر!
يحملني الموج عالياً أحياناً
و لكن على أقدام الصخور
دائماً أنتهي
زبداً..

بين المد و الجزر
أتمرجح بين الأمل و الخيبة..
و خيبتي أنني ما زلت أتأمل
و أنت.. أنت كالأمواج تتقاذفني
كمترو هذه المدينة
يلقفني من محطة إلى محطة
لأذوب على الأرصفة
زبداً..

Greenpeace Vs Facebook

2010-09-24T16:33:00.002+03:00

http://www.greenpeace.org/international/en/campaigns/climate-change/cool-it/ITs-carbon-footprint/Facebook/
I actually love the video, and I do support alternative energy. But at the same time, "picking up" on Facebook is not what would really change the world, because the half a million supporters of the campaign like the little cute boy and the funny story board more than the cause itself. And if Facebook does unfriend coal in the end, you will still have the daily oil spill in Nigeria that is rarely mentioned anywhere. I know that we can argue saying that it's better to start somewhere. And it is smart to start with Facebook, since you get around 620,000 supporters after one week only of launching the campaign. I just hope that Greenpeace will be able to use this visibility to raise awareness to other environmental issues. And I hope that out of the half a million "likers" of the video, real supporters who can bring a change to the world would emerge.

Facebook and blackmail

2010-09-22T16:26:00.002+03:00

Don't get me wrong, I do like facebook. No, not because it helps me bond with my old friends from school. And no, not because it helps me keep in touch with family who are spread in different corners in the world. Mostly, and yes I admit it, and no don't pretend you're better than this, because of GOSSIP. Facebook is a gossip space without the incriminating part. Let's imagine this situation: You're sitting down in your living room, reading a book, the hero of the book reminds you of an X person. You wonder what happened to this person now. No need to call a common old friend (that you don't really like, but what can you say, curiosity is a real problem!) and engage in mundane conversation to open up the topic of X. No need to wonder for a long time! You facebook X, find X, add X, and have all the info you need to know. Of course it doesn't change your life. of course it doesn't add anything to you, and no your social network is not really worth dollars, and your connections can never be really useful when you need them, so don't fool yourself. If you're lucky, X could be interested in playing Farmville and could earn you lots of money (or eggs and milk, or whatever you earn in that game), VIRTUALLY.. No more no less..

But, nevertheless, facebook is becoming more and more a blackmail tool. "If you like your mom, press like, and join", so if you don't like this group and if you don't join then it means you don't like your mom! How awful you are! Of course, you can pretend not to see these type of news feeds! But eventually your mom will find this group and will share it with you, and then let me know how you will get out of it!

But sometimes, you can outsmart online blackmail. Your third cousin gets married you have to say congratulations even if her husband looks like a total looser, and even if you never really had a good relationship with her. Then she gets a child and she posts his pictures. You pretend not to see the pictures. Then she tags you in the album! Escape that! So, as a strike back, you comment: "Oh, what a cute baby, he looks just like his father!" Your mom calls you and asks you to delete the comment because the father is obviously ugly, and your comment is just causing more problems between the families.. In order to avoid further obligations from your cousin and further undesired contact you keep your comment. But of course you remain friends on facebook!

And then of course, you have the status of husband week, mother week, sister week, friend week, cat week, neighbor week, Boyfriend week, best friend week. Ironically no wife week, no brother week, no father week.. No comment there! Of course you have a news feed saying that 46 friends changed their status into this, or more, you try not to cave in, you feel guilty.. And sometimes you just say: what the hell, it's just a status, i can be all mushy mushy sometimes!

As for the bra color status! Yeah I'm sure it raised a lot of awareness! Well at least all of your friends who are on your facebook list are now AWARE of at least one bra color you have, exception goes for the ladies who answered "none".. But I agree, we had no choice, if we failed the cause, who would have supported it? Da!

L'amour... en langue étrangère!

2010-09-20T23:17:00.001+03:00

So you think you can blog?

2010-09-02T22:54:00.002+03:00

During my childhood I always heard this expression "shhhh, walls have ears". And so, several political topics were banned from discussion even in the privacy of our living room. But I was never influenced by this paranoia, and I was never convinced that I could be persecuted for asking questions inside my house, or expressing my opinions. And so I grew up on the idea that the previous generation suffered from the civil war and that they are stuck on practices long dead before the end of the war.

So I blog normally, it's true I rarely have political posts, but it's not by fear. But I respect all kinds of blogs. It's just like a graffiti wall where people express themselves. Some in the hope of a change, other in the hope of touching a life, many simply by need of expression. Most of us are persecuted by our social environment. A lot of us don't find someone around who could be interested in some topic, or cause. So we blog, because we know that someone might share our interest, our fear, our hope.

I read today about Tal el Molohi. A 19 years old girl imprisoned last year for blogging in Syria. I was intrigued to know what did she write to deserve this sentence. So I looked for her blog. I don't know which is more shameful: imprisoning a student for blogging in general, or imprisoning her for what she wrote.

http://latterstal.blogspot.com/
http://palestinianvillages.blogspot.com/
http://talmallohi.blogspot.com/

I guess this is just a more modern way to create paranoia among citizens, for the newer generations who think they can talk! Just another way to teach people that the world may have stepped into a new century, but in this part of the world, the system is the only one to decide when minds can progress.

...

1 minute of silence is in order..

N.B: several bloggers are imprisoned around the world in almost every totalitarian regime. Unfortunately, in the Arab world we suffer from this injustice in almost all of our countries.

Home and Elsewhere..

2010-08-05T18:12:00.002+03:00

Home is that place you die to get out of it.. And you fight hard to get out of it, most of the times..
Elsewhere is that place where your dreams come true.. The place where you can do the impossible..
Home is that place when you're not appreciated enough, when you're not motivated enough, and when you're always underestimated..
Elsewhere is where you're the successful powerful person you want to be.. The only place where you get to be in control, and to get it right..
Home is that place that is only good to be buried in.
Elsewhere is the only place where you can actually live in..

Home is the only place you miss when you're elsewhere.. And elsewhere is the only place you think of when you're home..

The fear of our unified identities..

2010-07-23T16:20:00.003+03:00

I was reading this article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/22/AR2010072206154_3.html?sid=ST2010072206297
And I couldn't help but stop at this sentence: "The company's ethos implies that people should "have one identity -- that perhaps it's unethical to present one identity at the office and another at home, or one face at the golf course" and another at a party, says Kirkpatrick. Maybe everyone should know us as the same person, whomever we decide that is online.

Maybe we are afraid of our own unified identities? "

Maybe we are.. But ti doesn't only happen on Facebook.. It was happening long before Facebook in our daily life, and is still happening.. But to be honest, there are very few brave people who don't cave in to social pressures, and still be all they are in front of anyone, anytime.. Society mostly labels these people as: asocial, weirdos, rude, freaks.. To be polite, we say: they lack social skills.. What is the definition of social skills?

Well one of the many web definition, the shortest one, is "the ability to interact with other people and to function in groups." Hmm.. To interact, as in acting mutually? And the word of the day is "Function".. Another intriguing term to qualigy social skills.. Because to function implies having requirements as well as a manual.. The manual is usually called manners, and the requirements differ from one group to another.. Ok I agree that in some groups the usual "manners" are not really the right code of conduct, but we're not dealing with exceptions here..

SO here it is.. Facebook didn't change the world.. We have always mutilated ourselves to fit better in whatever place we wanted to fit in.. And the rules to fit in? There isn't.. The rule is to simply imitate those who seem to be there before you.. We don't call it lies and deception.. We simply call it social skills.. For the first, they were known as the survival skills.. But we're too civilized to admit that we are still that primitive..

Bipolarism

2010-07-23T16:01:00.000+03:00

There are two types of answers: yes or no..
There are also: north and south, east and west, hot and cold, black and white..

But the fact is, there's a whole lot more choices laying between extremes, and most of the time, it's in this between area that we pick our answers, our clothes, and our friends.. Still, I find it fascinating that after thousands of years on earth, thousands of life experiences, we still define life as simple as day and night, light and dark, good or bad, right or wrong..

I just can't help but wonder where did this "bipolarism" come from? Man and Woman? What about those who are born with both genital organs? We evolved to 3D, yet we still define everything based on 1D axis.. The beginning and the end! Ironically all the action you get at the beginning is having your embryological cord cut and a big pat to get you to shout your lungs out.. And the end, well, no matter how diversified the possibilities are, it always ends in silence.. Maybe this is what life is: a big scream, and then one day, the time comes for you to simply shut up.. Maybe this is the simple explanation of our tendency towards bipolarizing, we subconsciously relate it to life and death.. But we fail to notice that we have lots of other things happening along the way..

From here to anywhere..

2010-05-17T23:56:00.002+03:00

My last two nights in my country..
I'll be coming back of course.. for visits..
Between my one year in Bahrain and a lifetime anywhere but here, I realized that the civil war is not over.. Lebanon in the mist of arguments and settlements and treaties is too busy to become a country.. a state..

There's a before and an after..
For those who saw Lebanon before the war, it's a shame that the "Switzerland of the Middle East" was shattered like this
For those who only knew Lebanon after the war.. Hmm.. No image of a better Lebanon to rely on.. A struggle for the very few who want to create a country..

And there's in between.. Those who grew up in the war.. Those who don't recall the glory days, but aim for ones.. Either they or their dreams died during the war, or they both did..

I didn't live the war.. I was too young when it ended. But I still remember when René Moawwad was assassinated. I cried.. I was 5 years old, and before anyone says anything, just while watching the breaking news in silence.. I knew that it will be long before it really ends.. So I cried.. In the common sense of a 5 years old, everything was clear.. Clearer than now at least..

Two nights and two days away from leaving.. I leave during the night as well, leaving my Lebanon asleep, some areas with electricity and lights, others shut down completely.. Leaving Lebanon in the dark. Countries look nicer at night.. As you fly above things are simple: light vs. dark.. One big constellation of light gives you a smile makes you feel that men exist, and man expanded.. Darkness makes you think of all the adventures you could have trying to conquer these virgin lands.. no distinction of mountains and valleys.. simply a darkness until you cross over a new constellation..

I leave Lebanon in the darkness.. When politics and religion are asleep.. There's only people who are asleep versus those who are awake.. Sneaking in the darkness to avoid the thoughts of a country that has little to offer me, and my family.. In the darkness when there's only one criteria for differentiation: People with lights, and people without lights!

Good Night

2010-02-22T01:43:00.002+02:00

The night passes slowly.. Slower than usual, these days.. As if it's offering me all the time I need in the day, tempting me to go back to its realm, to my nocturnal life. But the day is when people live, and I chose a different path now, less lonely, less dark. Yet, creatures of the day seem to be more frightening than the ones of the night. Everything is more simple in the darkness, everything can happen in the darkness, with no consequences, with no thoughts of a tomorrow, with no thoughts of others. No judgment, just you and the night, conspiring against the world, winning all the battles.

But I'm a day person now.. So long all the battles I won, so long all the stars I burnt.. All the nocturnal efforts to lure me are in vain.. Only one thing left to say: Good Night!

Between insomnia and paranoia..

2010-02-17T02:08:00.002+02:00

There's nothing worse when you write than the first sentence, this sentence.. The sentence were I should grab your attention to follow through until the last word. But tonight I don't care if you read or not.. I just write to distract myself from the noise of my neighbor's AC! Not that it's working, but at least seeing this white space getting filled with characters, meaningless as they are, is easier and less mentally disturbing than laying in bed, eyes wide open, counting the rounds of the engine humming, loud I may add..

Tonight, I don't write about grief, nor sorrow, I just write about frustration. Frustration and insomnia. About the trillions of thoughts that run through your head just when you need your mind to be clear. And all those yoga classes that should be paying off by helping you concentrate, by helping you organize.

The funny thing about "disturbia" is that when you experience a moment of peace, you're not relieved! You simply get paranoid, wondering what's the real problem now, and waiting for that humming to go back to assure you that everything is back to normal; and that you'll experience another night of insomnia, of frustration, and eventually of insanity..

And the best is yet to come..

Sorry, but: There IS a difference between Christians and Muslims

2010-01-16T21:34:00.004+02:00

Every day or two, I receive a request on Facebook to join a group dedicated to all those who love God, or to all those who love the prophet, or to the first 1000 who love the prophet, or to those who are against differences between Muslims and Christians, or that group about uniting Muslims and Christians, or those who hate Israel, or those who want to save Palestinians, or those who want to change the image of Islam by "showing the world how real Islam is" on Facebook walls. I'm sure that there are plenty of those groups for all religions, and all types of religious conflicts, but since My circle of friends happen to be centered in the Arab world, I receive mostly those who "tackle", if that's what they think they're doing, the Muslim-Christian issues, or the Israel-Palestine issues.

Of course, like all other requests, they annoy me. In fact the only groups I join are for those supporting young talents from my friends, or a friend's friend who opened a restaurant. Not that I've been in any of them, or seen the work of any of them, but it's just to show some support. And I leave other 1000 people other than me, show their love to this or that.

But what really strike me most of the times are those very patriotic group, who tend to show how solidly united citizens are (especially in Lebanon) by saying "there's no difference between Muslims and Christians" or vice versa. I just don't see how that can help people come closer together. This slogan of "no difference" what does it really bring to people? Why isn't it "there is a difference, hell yeah! But that's not the problem"? Is it just me who really strives to be unique in my own way in a world of over 6 Billion people? Or is there other people who also are proud of their differences? But anyway, it's not about individualism. It's about ideologies.

So what is exactly the problem if two religions are different? What is the problem if someone is a non believer and the other is a believer? In What way does that make one or the other less human? The problem is not the difference, the problem is the tendency of people to alienate everything that is different from them. First, they run to label themselves in groups, then they try to make everyone else seem stupid for not seeing that they're the right group, the chosen one. Then oh chosen ones, decide to be generous with people, in order to help them find peace, or sometimes to be in peace themselves, and they pretend that we are not different. That we all believe in the same thing, that we are alike.

What I still don't understand, is why do we label people based on beliefs? And why do we strive to be unique, then kill it all by wanting unity, by resorting to similarity. This need to belong, to be homogeneous, to be part of something bigger, to be part of a group. This basic human need that made the first man carve in a stone to create a statute to worship, to feel that he's not alone. This need, is really something intriguing, in this is what still stands, after years and years of evolution.

Happy 2010

2010-01-01T15:04:00.001+02:00

It's a habit at the end of a year to look back as you look forward.. 2009 was a long year with a long list of changes, of disappointments, and of achievements as well..

2009 taught me that I love my country more than I thought I did. It also taught me that there's a big world outside the door, and you will never understand, and you will never understand how big it is.. So no need to waste your time..

Speaking of time, 2009 taught me the value of a second. A second spent with the love of your life, a second spent away from home, a second wasted in patience. It taught me that time is a marvelous concept, unique in the way you lose it as soon as you have it.. And you waste it just when you need it..

Need, is what you should be careful about. Never be in need of a selfish person even though being very independent will not get you more than loneliness. Know that you need some people, and that you need to ignore others.

Others are just those you don't even need to remember their name. They are this parasite that annoys you at times, and could suck the blood out of you at others. But you will often find the right antibiotic.

A right antibiotic can also be the right life partner. They do have their own magic powers capable of curing you of all the boredom in the world, all the depression, and can easily resolve, with one tender look, your deepest dilemmas.

One of the dilemmas I encountered in 2009 is the dilemma of whether to use the first cabin in the toilet or the last one. A lot of people use the first cabin of the toilet because it's the first. But then, a lot of people believe that since a lot of people think the first is most used, they use others instead, so in the end a lot of people avoid using the first which makes it the cleaner one. So is the first one really the best choice in terms of hygiene or the worst?

Worst moment of 2009 was when I ended up alone in a country I don't really like, suffering stagnation and vulgarity, far from the person I want to spend my life with, and far from the people I spent my life with up until 2009..

Up until 2009 I thought that when people shake their head and say "no problem", it means that they got your point and are going to proceed. Apparently it's not.

It's not a rumour: I am getting married in 2010; 2009 was a good year on the personal level even if it's disastrous on the professional one.

One - Just because someone keeps repeating that they're your friend, it doesn't mean they really are.
Two - Just because some people like to hear themselves, it doesn't mean I like to hear them too.
Three - just because you feel left out, it doesn't mean you're second best. A Number one donut is not in competition with a Number one coffee..
Four - If you don't feel like growing up, don't force yourself, just don't expect people to treat you like an adult either.

Five, my most valuable advice for 2009: never order a spaghetti in a Filipino restaurant!

Google Translate Unblocked in Bahrain

2009-12-31T23:34:00.002+02:00

I don't know if it was a coincidence, but I sent the below email as my first step to unblock google translate in Bahrain. And then I come back on the 28th of December to find it unblocked.. I thought it would be harder than this.. I was planning petitions and advertising campaign.. But then again it could be only a coincidence.. What's important is that it's unblocked :)

12/12/09
to webmaster@info.gov.bh
date Dec 12, 2009 1:45 AM
subject Inquiry!!
mailed-by gmail.com

Dear Sirs,

I would like to inquire about the rules and regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain that require the blocking of the site Google.Translate. I would like to understand the legal violations that this valuable tool present for it to be blocked by your respected Ministry.

I would really appreciate your clarification and your cooperation.

Best Regards,

Rawaa Kalassina
Resident in Bahrain

The other side of the mirror and google translate..

2009-12-12T00:15:00.005+02:00

Yeah Yeah I said good night one hour ago.. but I'm still here.. This new medicine is making my head spin at the moment, but I have just missed writing so much.. Plus, I have a lot of things to say.

A loyal reader of my blog, one who believes i'm very sad because of how I write, have recently advised to talk about the city I live in. The things I see, things that are not as dark as what I describe, not as lost as they are. I appreciated the advice, and yes, I have thought about it.. I even took some pictures of things I wanted to comment about.. But, and it's a big BUT actually, it's just not me. I'm not a sad person either, for those who think that i'm someone in a constant depression I really am not. Of course I live ups and downs, but in general I was always content with my life, and most recently I became really happy with the way things are going, despite my constant nagging about my stay in Bahrain.

Well, if you were in bahrain with the type of salary I have, and the lifestyle I have, and the "entourage", you would complain too. However, tonight, I decided to do something good for Bahrain, before leaving it, sooner or later. I decided to petition for the unblocking of google translate! or at least a redirection to another online translator that the Ministry of Information would judge compliant with the laws and rules of the Kingdom of Bahrain. Not that I ever understood what's the problem with google translate! And I decided to complain also about the request form for unblocking sites that doesn't work. You click on a site, you get the message "this site is blocked as it does not comply with the rules and regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain", then a small button saying "If you feel that this site should be unblocked please click here". You click, you get a form, you write your heart out justifying why this site is completely ethical, you click submit, then you get a message "sorry this service is not available at the moment, please try again later". After 7 months of trying, I came to a logical conclusion that it just doesn't work. So maybe someone should care and fix it.

Since the idea just started an hour ago, the plan is not really clear. Yet! But, I will petition the unblocking of Google Translate!

As for the flow of this blog.. cannot say it will remain dark, nor it will become cheerful. It was always a mix of ups and downs, but the downs better expressed.. It's just the way it is, and it's not about me, nor about you, it's just about a world, where some things are more highlighted than others. Where some things like to come to light, and others prefer to stay hidden.

"Build it and they will come".. And so this is what this is, a world where some people can feel completely normal to be lost and confused, to be sad for no reason, and to rejoice when they mourn.. Where they can see that someone has been there, someone is there, and someone is not.. The other side of the mirror, with their true selves, and my petition to get Google Translate back!

Detachment

2009-10-30T12:17:00.001+02:00

There are days when you're just not in the mood to be happy, not in the mood to act alive.. Even when you have every reason in the world to rejoice..
Your common sense tells you you're abnormal, but you couldn't care less.. All you have in mind is this grey shade you're longing to indulge yourself in..
All you have in mind is this absolute pause, this life put on hold, and all these feelings tucked in a neutral zone. A zone of.. Nothingness..
Just like an autumn leaf detaching from a tree, and twirling in the void..
Slowly dancing in celebration for falling into nothing but an absolute nothingness..

Manama Nights! - 3

2009-10-02T03:11:00.001+03:00

I used to have this habit with my sister, with whom I used to share my bedroom too, to talk in the middle of the night. When you have five years of difference you grow up to have less things in common. Sometimes we used to pass several days without exchanging any words of importance other than "wake up we have to go to school" and maybe some comments about the meal for the lunch. Each of us had her own little world in which she was consumed. Then in the night, we go to the same room, adjacent beds, big beds I may add now that I experience a way smaller one. And as we turn off the lights and settle down under the covers, few minutes of silence break up into long conversations. As if we're out of the silence and we need to use as many words as possible before the day breaks taking us back to our own little lives.

I guess, this is one of those times where I just need to talk.. It's not easy to live by yourself, no matter how independent it may seem, how liberating it could be.. It's not as easy as I thought at least.. When the urge to talk at three o'clock in the morning ravages you, and you look around to find nothing close to being alive except the air conditioner that keeps humming, and the fridge that lights up every time you open it, only then, you feel alone.. Only then, you realize that you're not as close to success as you thought, and that your years of achievement are still far beyond being recognized, because anyway, there's no one around to recognize them for you..

I'm not down at this moment, I'm not sad, and I'm not lonely.. I'm just awake, needing to babble at three o'clock of the morning..

The New Age of Communication

2009-09-26T02:03:00.003+03:00

I was watching this TV show about a serial killer, and one guy confesses murders that he didn't do just to get his few minutes of fame and be on the news.. He says that with blogs, podcasts, and all this social media invasion, it's hard now to make a breakthrough.. with people setting up their own TV channels on Youtube, others opening up their own magazines/newspapers.. Everyone is simply broadcasting.. I could just take a second to close my eyes and see the lights of all these connected devices, each one transmitting what we want to show the world.. The new age of communication.. Something that used to be more direct: Sender _ Message _ Receiver! When people used to know who they are addressing, and others knew who they are perceiving.. When connection was clearer, even if slower.. Compared o a time when we are all connected, but not really sure how.. Each setting his own world, his own rules, with some people passing by.. The real glory is when you get comments, the more you have ones the more you feel.. FAMOUS!! Is this what it's really all about? This new age of people beating their way up just to have others' attention? Is it why I'm here?
I used to write way before I knew what email is.. But it was for me in the beginning, then I started sharing among friends.. Then now with the world ( no matter how small or big is the percentage of the world really drops by).. But just the idea of being exposed to the unknown has a certain carnal pleasure that keeps me coming back for more..
Pleasure, fame, glory, all leading to a certain orgasm you only get when you're connected, when you have a mutual flow of.. Bytes, in this case?!! When you feel that you're opening up to be admired by some, criticized by others, and ignored by more, but mostly when you know that you got someone's attention..
This new age of communication, social media, and technology, all evolving around one idea: attention.. That's what everyone is looking for, that's what everyone is really fighting for.. Even those who pretend to like staying in the shadows, are just secretly hoping that by the difference they set from the crazy crowds around them, they'll caught some kind of attention.. maybe it's just a basic need, just like eating, then shitting, then eating again, then gaining some attention before shitting one more time..

بطل من هذا الزمان

2009-09-18T05:16:00.002+03:00

لحظة تردد واحدة كانت كلّ ما تحتاجه لتقرّر أنّني لست شريكة حياتك.. أن كلّ ما جمعنا ليس حتى كافٍ ليرقى لمستوى الصداقة
لحظة تردد واحدة جعلتك تدرك أن ما بيننا لم يكن سوى لقاء عابري سبيل جمعتهما الوحدة و الحنين.. و أنّه لا جدوى من اقناع أنفسنا بأننا نتشارك أي شيء أبعد من ذلك
لحظة واحدة جعلتك تتعجّب كيف بقيت كل هذا الوقت دون أن تلاحظ أن ما بيننا هو عبارة فقط عن رغبة مشتركة لإرضاء مجتمع لا يؤمن بالفردية و لا حتى بالثنائية
فقرّرت، أيها البطل، ألّا تظلمني معك
واه! عجبي من النساء اللواتي يشتكين من انعدام الشهامة في عصرنا هذا

قرّرتَ أنه لا داعي لأن يتحطّم فؤادي، و أنه عوضاً عن ذلك من المستحب أن أنحني شاكرةً عطف قلبك و بعد الرؤيا التي تتمتّع بها وحدك. و قررت أيضاً أنه لا داعي لدموعٍ سأدرك بعدها أن فراقنا نعمة قرّرت أن تغدق بها عليّ
لحظة واحدة! جعلتك بطلاً، ناصراً للمظلومين، محرّر قلوب العذارى، أرقى أنواع الرجال! و تشتكي سائر النساء من حقارة جنسكم! يا للصفاقة
لحظة واحدة أكّدت لك أن قدري أن أتابع من دونك و أن أشغل نفسي موقتاً بصنع نصب تذكاري و أيقونات لتخليدك، منقذي من حياةٍ.. معك
لا تظنّني أشتكي، و لا أنني أبكي على أطلالك.. فرحيلك كان فعلاً نعمة! ليس لأن ما بيننا كان وهماً، بل لأن رجلاً تحركه لحظات تردد ليس سوى نصف رجل، في أحسن حالاته
في عالمٍ تحكمه أنصاف الرجال، و نصب تذكارية تخلد ذكرى كل من يرفض أن يدور الكون إلا حوله
لست هنا لأشتكي، أنا فقط هنا لأنصب لك تمثالك التذكاري

Zunzurt ( or however it's written)

2009-09-12T13:53:00.000+03:00

Nostalgia has been haunting me today since the moment I woke up. Not that I don't miss home, but I'm more nostalgic today for the person I used to be, for life not put on hold. I miss the confidence I used to have, and the pride. I'm feeling nostalgic for all the dreams I used to have, and I'm disappointed by the simplicity of the ones I have now. The ambitions of climbing the highest mountains, replaced now by the ambition to walk straight without falling down. I'm nostalgic for the eagerness to experience a free fall, replaced now by an aspiration to have stable steps. I'm nostalgic for the times when I wasn't afraid of bruises, when I was calling for scars, when i aspired for glory. Aspirations now replaced with a pitiful need to be safe, to have enough to eat, and a reasonable space to shit.

I'm nostalgic for the person I was, the person I will become one day, and I'm repelled by the person I am now. But mostly I'm worried about the rehab time I would need to be normal back again, to wake up from this stagnation.

Inspiration!

2009-09-11T14:14:00.002+03:00

The problem with inspiration is that you cannot look for it, a bit like love, it will just strike you. You pass by this garbage can everyday, and it stinks just like everyday, but one day, you simply decide to make something out of it. Not as an expression of your boredom, and not as an expression of your disgust, but because for the first time today, this smelly garbage can inspires you!!

But don't worry, today is not about a garbage can. It's about what I think I lost, but not sure if I should hold on to it or not. What I gained seems logically way more important but there was this little satisfaction I only get with what I seem to have lost. And I think I should mention that I'm the type who appreciates the value of what they have long before they're gone, so it's not that it's something new for me, it's just something that I miss. Enormously..

I guess life is the place where you're not supposed to get everything you want at once, or maybe some things just don't get along. The choice is already done, but still, I can't help but being reminiscent for what I seem to have lost..

A Tribute to September!

2009-09-07T15:21:00.001+03:00

The first sentence is always what matters the most. But I don't have one for this one. I only have mixed feelings, scattered here and there, and I'm not even trying to pick them up. It's this month of the year, my favorite month of the year, where leaves start falling down, and nature starts undressing, with leftovers scattered everywhere just like myself, preparing to sleep. And on the other side of life, us, trying to put our clothes on and collect what's left of us after a long summer sun, and we try to start working again. Back to action after a long summer sun, after vacation for some, or after lazy season of work for others. And for the lucky ones, even if they don't know, it's just a matter of changing clothes, with no work worries, no studies, nothing but a different season of nonchalance.

This month of contradiction when nature falls down to pieces and humans seem to picking themselves up. This is my favorite month of the year. Everyday brings change, you see an entire transformation in front of you if you just take few minutes to pause and look around. Then September rain comes, bringing along the most wonderful smell there could be.

September in this country might come a bit late, and might never come, I guess I have to stay a while to see about it. But I just know that I miss it. Real life, real seasons, real colors, real flavors. It just feels that senses here are something you read about in books, and even though everywhere in the world it seems to be useful, in here it will never come in use. I used to pity those who do not know how to savor beauty, now I pity those who will never even come across it.

Manama Nights! - 2

2009-08-23T00:43:00.003+03:00

It has become a habit for one of my neighbors to come ringing my door bell at a very late hour, or checking if the door is well closed or not. Of course, I never managed to know who is this concerned neighbor as I don't find anyone by the time I reach the door. After panicking for the first three nights, it became a habit for me to wait for this childish maybe more like a Hollywood thriller scene. Nothing has yet happened tonight, but I preferred not to sleep now better than being awaken in an hour.

I'm not looking to know who it is anyway, I'll be moving by the end of this month. Days in Bahrain seem to pass so slowly most of the time, a dead country aspiring to have its mark among the Gulf. There are lots of things to do in Bahrain: Beach, mall, and eating. I have to admit that they do have several good dining places, but it's a bit out of budget to have a daily meal in a good restaurant here. The real heaven for me in the hot summer of Bahrain, also known as the lost paradise (yeah, I think they did loose paradise somewhere along the way), is the day I spend on the beach when I offer myself a real massage by an Asian lady. Her feet sometimes seem to bother me as a lay down my head to the floor, but then I close my eyes and just enjoy one hour of tension release. I then take a shower, enjoy looking at my tan in the mirror, and then I leave the resort, to go back to the streets of Manama, for another month of tension acquiring. My life in Manama is as simple as respiration: I inhale tension, I exhale it.

Of course I have my bad moments of AC/NO AC. I never really liked the AC, I always get a problem in my ear, or a problem in my back, or my sinus, and so on. It never ends the list of times I went to a doctor recommending me to avoid AC for several reasons. Regardless of the fact that outside home I have no control over AC where I work, neither where I shop, nor where I eat, I never could imagine how life can be in Bahrain with no AC.

When I reach home after a long walk or a short walk, the first thing I need is the AC. Which reminds me of my walking issue in Manama. If you're not a poor Indian worker trying to save money by not using transportation, you are considered as a freak when you walk for more than a kilometer in Bahrain. I have to admit that sometimes I like to brag about my expeditions among my colleagues who would be like: "Whaou, are you serious? You walked all that way? You're crazy!!" Now that's a statement worth considering! Maybe I was crazy for coming here. But ever since I set my plans and I fixed the date of my departure, even if for now it seems a bit far, I started to really enjoy Manama. I think it's like when a patient in a mental institution knows that he'll be cleared in a week, he'd then start enjoying the insanity of his entourage. I'd call that real entertainment.

So my loyal neighbor just knocked with his hand, it's more personalized than ringing my door bell. I think he's taking our relationship to the next level: intimacy!! I just hope he won't be sniffing up the laundry I left on the rooftop.

Time for me to get some sleep..

Manama Nights!

2009-08-15T02:12:00.003+03:00

It's not that I lost the will to write.. I just lost the time.. Today, like so many days before, I suddenly (like so many times before) realized that time is passing by. That everything moves forward, even your own-self, what remains behind are the things you wanted to do, the things you've done wrong, and the things you wish to do again. This is what the past is, a reflection of what you want to do and what you need to do, and what you don't need to do again. And you're lucky when you get stroke, repetitively, with this bits of a second when you see your past flying in front of your eyes. It's just like seeing your future, or at least what you should do about it.
So as I had this slight moment of enlightenment I realized that I should come back here, right to where I belong, where I breathe. The place where nonsense makes sense. Maybe the world is also a better place for that. But here, my nonsense is meaningful, to me at least. And you don't need anything else than a cup of coffee, a good blanket (or maybe that remote to turn off the fucking AC - and yeah yeah yeah, pardon my french) and your pen (as it's more poetic than a keyboard). The world at the tip of your words, and the universe all open for you.
I might as well make a use of this time I have to spend in this city I don't like very much. It might be the right place and the right time to learn a bit more about freedom. You see, the best place to see light is when you're in the dark!

ما قبل الأخير

2009-08-15T02:00:00.000+03:00

ما زلت تملك دموعي
تأمرها بالسقوط كما تشاء
مرة باللامبالاة و مرة بالعشوائية
و دائماً بدون حتى أن تلاحظ

لم تكن الأول و لن تكون الأخير
لكنّك دائماً هنا
دائما حيث لا يجب أن أتركك
و دائما تتركني حيث لا أريد

ما زلت محور كتاباتي
ما زلت محور أفكاري
و ما زلت تبكيني
لكنّك لن تكون الأخير

و للبكاء بقية

2009-07-12T08:24:00.002+03:00

قال لي أنه يعرف أن حزنه يزعجني
ألّا أقلق، فهو على ما يبدو يحب كآبته
لكنني عرفته يومين و نصف كان فيهما سعيداً
كان العالم فيهما لعبةً بين يديه
يشقلب الساعات، و يدور يدور يدور

عرفته يومين و نصف حين لم تكن تزعجه ضحكاته
علّمني فيهما أن الأحلام لا قيمة لها إن لم تكن كبيرة
علّمني أن السعادة أقرب إلينا ممّا نظن
علّمني أن الساعات تمر و الثواني تمر
و أن اللامبالاة ليست سيّئة كما يقال

قالت أن العمر غفلة و لم نكن نعرفها
لا يوم و لا يومين و لا سنتين
كانت امرأة عشوائية جعلنا من كلمتها حكمة
ثم مرّ اليومين و النصف، و نسينا الحكمة و نسينا الضحكة

ما عاد يشقلب الساعات كما كان
و لا بقي العمر على ما كان
و لا زالت الساعات تمر، و الثواني تمر
و العمر يمر.. غفلة

Four years ago, there was a man..

2009-06-03T01:00:00.000+03:00

صدى الانتفاضة ووعد التغيير - بقلم سمير قصير

في الذكرى السنوية الرابعة لاستشهاد سمير قصير، تعيد "النهار" نشر مقال له صدر في 20/5/2005، قبل 12 يوما من اغتياله، وذلك في الركن الذي كان ركنه.

يحار المرء ما هو الاسوأ: ان يختلف اطراف المعارضة حول تشكيل لوائح المرشحين، ام ان يتوافقوا في ما بينهم فيلغوا مبدأ الانتخاب؟ ولا ما هو الاقل ضررا للمستقبل: ان يُترك مكان على هذه اللوائح المعارضة للقوى المعترضة على التقاسم الجاري بين زعماء الطوائف، ام ان يُحكم عليها بالعمل خارج الاطار البرلماني؟
الحيرة هي على صورة الوضع الذي رسا عليه لبنان موقتا مع انتهاء عصر الوصاية السورية من دون ان يكتمل تفكيك التركيبة السياسية التي انتجتها الوصاية، كما يستدل من الدور المحوري الذي لا يزال يؤديه السيد نبيه بري الى الآن، وقد يستمر في تأديته بعد هذه الانتخابات الغريبة العجيبة التي تطل علينا. ولعل ابلغ المفارقات في مرحلة ما بعد الوصاية، ان تكون هذه الانتخابات التي طال انتظارها، والتي يجب ان تحصل في موعدها، من النوع الذي يفضل نسيانه في اسرع وقت، وان يكن المجال لا يزال مفتوحا لبعض المعارك الكبيرة الرمزية، في الجنوب والشوف والشمال.
ولا ريب ان هذه الحيرة التي يزكيها تكاثر الانتخابات بالتزكية، هي ما يغذي الشعور العام بالاحباط الذي يلف الرأي العام، ويصل احيانا الى حد القرف. الا ان الموضوعية تفترض الاقرار بان الاحباط ليس مبررا بالكامل. ليس فقط لان العديد من المحبطين يريدون الشيء وعكسه، مثلا "صحة التمثيل المسيحي" و"الخلاص من الطائفية"، بل لان الاحباط في معظمه ينتج من تحوير بالمفعول الرجعي لمعاني الحركة الاستقلالية.
فاذا كان من الخطأ اعتبار انتفاضة الاستقلال استكمالاً لفصول الحرب، كما تفعل بعض اطراف المعارضة، وخصوصا في الجانب المسيحي منها، فان من الخطأ ايضا اعتبارها حركة سياسية ذات برنامج واحد، كما يطيب الاعتقاد لعدد من الشباب المنخرطين فيها. صحيح ان هذه الانتفاضة اخذت حجم ثورة سلمية ضخمة، وان الزخم الذي تميزت به، وخصوصا يوم 14 آذار، يدفع الى استهجان التصرف الفوقي لقيادات المعارضة (ولا افضلية لأحد على الآخر في هذا المجال). الا انه في المقابل لا يمكن تحميل الحدث ما لم يحمله. فالناس لم تنزل الى الشارع في شهري شباط وآذار من اجل التغيير، بل من اجل التخلص من هيمنة الحكم السوري على لبنان والنظام الامني الذي ارتكزت عليه هذه الهيمنة.
الا ان هذا لم يمنع كثيرين ممن شاركوا في الانتفاضة، من ان يحلموا باكثر من ذلك، ولا سيما بعدما لمسوا زخم التعبئة الشعبية من جهة، وطابع المصالحة الوطنية الذي انطوت عليه من جهة اخرى. ولكن هل كان ثمة حلم واحد يجمعهم؟
وحتى اذا افترضنا ان الكل اجمعوا على التغيير والاصلاح، فمن الواضح انهم لم يجمعوا على محتوى التغيير والاصلاح. ينطبق ذلك على قانون الانتخاب تحديدا، على ما بدا من سجال في هذا الموضوع ومن استعداد اجزاء من الرأي العام الخوض فيه، وإن من دون إلمام به. هكذا، تمت احاطة العودة الى قانون 1960 بهالة من القدسية قد تكون مبررة بالسمعة السيئة للقوانين التي عُمل بها بعد الطائف، بما فيها قانون الالفين، لكنها بالتأكيد غير مستحقة. ففي مقابل استيفاء قانون 1960 شرط التمثيلية، مقارنة بقانون الالفين، يبقى بعيدا كل البعد عن الاصلاح السياسي المطلوب، مثلما دلت تجربة لبنان قبل الحرب. كذلك ينطبق هذا الانفصام بين الدعوة المجردة الى الاصلاح والموقف السياسي الآني، على مقاربة التحالفات الانتخابية. فاذا اخذنا ما حصل في نهاية الاسبوع الماضي، سنجد من يرى في ضم السيدة صولانج الجميل الى لائحة الحريري والسيد جورج عدوان الى لائحة وليد جنبلاط تجليا لروح المصالحة المتمثل بـ14 آذار، مثلما سنجد من يرى في ذلك خيانة للوعد بلبنان جديد الذي حمله 14 آذار اياه، وخصوصا ان نتيجة هذه التحالفات تصب في خانة تعليب الانتخابات.
قطعا، يحق للناخبين التوق الى شيء افضل من هذه الانتخابات المعلبة بتوافق اقطاب المعارضة، والمرشحة الى مزيد من التعليب اذا انتهى التوافق الى شمل العماد عون ومرشحيه. لكن هذا التوق لن يترجم واقعا، الا اذا لازمه التزام مزدوج يعبر عنه في عملية الاقتراع، ثم بعد انتهاء الانتخابات. وهذا يعني اولا التزام جانب الرفض لمبدأ التعليب، اذا لم تمنعه التزكيات، من خلال اختيار المرشحين الذين يجمعون في شخصهم صدى انتفاضة المستقبل ووعد التغيير، سواء كانوا على اللائحة الرسمية للمعارضة او على لائحة اخرى، او فضلوا الترشح منفردين، بما يستتبع ذلك من رفض للصفقات مع رموز عهد الوصاية. ويعني ثانيا التزاما بالانخراط في معارك التغيير التي سوف تلي الانتخابات، وفي مقدمها المعركة التي يجب ان تفتح في 20 حزيران، غداة الانتهاء من الجولة الاخيرة في الشمال، من اجل قانون انتخاب عصري وعادل يمنع المحادل، الى اي طرف انتمت.
وهنا يكمن الوفاء الحقيقي لحدث 14 آذار: في اعتباره نقطة البداية لعمل سياسي قد يتطلب وقتا مديدا كي يثمر، مثلما تطلب انهاء عهد الوصاية نضالات طويلة وتضحيات كبيرة لم تختصر بالنزول الى ساحة الشهداء ذات يوم من ايام شباط وآذار. وفي الاتعاظ منه بان السياسة ليست حكرا على السياسيين، مهما حاولوا احتكارها، وان الاصلاح لن يبنيه الا من لهم مصلحة فيه. اما التبرم والاحباط والقنوط، فتلك هي تحديدا العادات التي لم يعد لها مكان منذ 14 آذار.

سمير قصير
20/ 5/ 2009

Convenient Truth

2009-03-25T01:37:00.003+02:00

But this.. Just because you say it.. Just because you believe.. Doesn't mean that it's true..
Just because you saw it.. It doesn't mean that it's true..
None of this is true.. None of what you believe.. and none of what you say..
Just this state of a never ending confusion.. Where you try to reassure yourself with imagination..
Nothing more than imagination.. Where the truth is nothing more than just a rug cliche that nobody cares about.. Does anyone really care about the truth? Or only for convenient answers? Answers that makes us more comfortable than the truth.. Answers that match denial.. This state of nonchalance that we can't figure out how to get out from.. That we're too afraid to leave..
And just because we're comfortable there, it doesn't mean that it's true.. It doesn't necessarily need to be any close from the truth..
Just because you believe in it.. just because you're sure of it.. it doesn't mean that it's true..

And Baby, this one is for you!

2009-03-20T22:19:00.001+02:00

Sometimes sit take a good book, sometimes a simple ad slogan, sometimes just a silly song, and other times just a sad look.. Sometimes it takes a good laugh, or a sad tear.. And other times, it takes absolutely nothing, just a state of boredom..

Sometimes it's just a way to express myself, and sometimes it's just a way to keep quite, and other times a straight way to make a scene, but many times to be discrete.. But Baby, this one is for you..

Sometimes it never ends, and other times it never begins.. A sentence stuck between two lines, or a story going on and on with no end.. Sometimes with lots of meanings, and other times you fail to notice the point.. Sometimes just to create an echo, and sometimes just to shut the crowd.. Sometimes for everyone, and sometimes for just one.. But Baby, this one is just for you..

الفراغ

2009-03-19T18:59:00.002+02:00

نرقص التانغو على إيفاع مللنا
مللنا من أنفسنا، و مللنا من بعضنا
ضجرنا من هذه الحالة اللامتناهية من اليأس و النشوة
يتضاجعان على سرير من الأوهام الضائعة و الآمال الخائبة
و لا ينتصر اليأس
و لا تنتصر النشوة
فقط هذه الحالة المستمرة من العقم
فقط هذه الحالة من عدم المبالاة
من انعدام المشاعر

محجوزان في وعاء زجاجي
يراقبان العالم يمشي
و الأيام تمشي
و عمرهما يمضي
و هما يقفان هناك يراقبان
دون حتى الاهتمام بالمشاركة
مجردين من أي حاجة للحراك
مستقرين في هذه الحالة من الشلل
من عدم المبالاة
من انعدام المشاعر

نعيش الفراغ الذي يهرب منا
ينزلق من خلال أصابعنا
و يعود ليحيط بنا من جميع النواحي
كدوّامةٍ، لا أمان سوى في قاعها
لا أمان سوى في الحضيض
سحقاً للطموح و الأحلام التافهة
سحقاً للإنجازات الزائفة
سحقاً لكل ما يعلو عن الحضيض
لكل من يهدد هذا الأمان
لكل من لا يفهم هذه الحالة من الدونية
هذا الوهم بأنك لمجرد تلذذك بها فأنت أرقى و أسمى من سائر البشر
هذا الإكتفاء باللاشيء
بالعدم.. بالفراغ

خربشات اعتباطية

2009-01-27T21:27:00.005+02:00

سئمت من الجزم و النفي، من الضم و الكسر.. سئمت منك و من وجودك الاعتراضي و من كيانك الذي لا موقع له من الإعراب.. سئمت من هذه الهوية الخافضة للشرط.. التي لا مكان لها في الحاضر، إما فعلٌ ماضٍ، و إما أمال للمستقبل.. هوية لا تتحقق أبداً، لا قبل الجزم و لا بعد النصب. و لا حتى اليوم.. مجرد قواعد لغوية، و بلاغة زائفة!

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - VIII

2009-01-27T16:25:00.002+02:00

I noticed today that my prototype body does not eat, I no longer even dream about food, and I don't think I've smelled any during my life here in LaLa. Maybe our bodies just function on solar power, consider I'm not sure if we have a sun or not, maybe we're automated. We still sleep, or maybe not. I'm no longer sure if I sleep. I rest. At night. When the light bulbs shine. And then all of a sudden it's the next day. I think I sleep, even if for few seconds.

But going back to not eating, it's not that I miss food, because I don't feel like I need it, but now that I thought about it, I'm trying to remember what food looked like on earth and how it tasted.
I turn to Coucou and say:
- "Where you there when we had food? I wonder how it tasted like!
- SHIT!"

So here you go, I got my answer. I think Coucou has a lot of wisdom, but sometimes he's just too aggressive, especially when I try to be nostalgic. As if Earth has a big scar in his memory, or maybe as if he's trying to protect me from remembering my own scars.

All I remember of my life on earth are the very simple things that makes no life, just facts; as if I've never lived there, as if I only read about it somewhere.. long time ago.

Should I remember? Or should I move on? Ironically both hold the same meaning for me, both represented the unknown.. An unknown I'm not even sure I want to get to know.

Same but quite different!

2009-01-18T12:51:00.002+02:00

It's another Sunday, yet, a different one.
It's another war on TV, another rerun of another movie, another political show, another tense family conversation, and another Sunday meal..

It's really just another normal day, like any other Sunday, yet, it just feels different.
I used to be more rational before, if there are no evidence of how different this day is, then it's not different.. But the more I grow, the more I start to believe in the power of the "feeling". And it just feels different. Maybe it's just the different haircut.. Maybe it's just that with all the similarities, each day is somehow different, you're older one day than the day before, and one week from the Sunday before. Even if it's the same movie you watch for the 10th time, you somehow manage to notice something different, something meaningless most of the times, but it's just different..

Every day, no matter how boring it may seem, brings a new kind of boredom with it.. A new kind of repetition of the days before..

To war victims of all times..

2009-01-12T21:05:00.009+02:00

Several ethical questions arise at times like the ones we're witnessing now with the war on Gaza Strip. Regardless of whether it's justified or not, because I personally don't see what would justify the killing of 900 human beings, to date. The good news today is that Israel might stop operations next week, so I guess we should expect about a minimum of 400 more dead? And more injured? So I guess we should be thankful that the end is just 7 days away, just 400 human away..

But the ethical question is not really about war, nor the killing of infants, nor if as long as it's a "war on terrorism" then it's ok to accept it as an excuse, or if a divided population deserves what they're getting anyway.. My question is: how ethical is it to use images of cadavers in news? How crucial is it really for the integrity of the news itself that you attach the picture of a decapitated child?

You may argue saying that people around the world need to see the ugliness of such a war. But do people really need to see blood to condemn? Did we lose all kind of common sense to incriminate any war in any part of the world, that we need to be addressed through our primary senses to raise reactions? That humans all over the planet can no longer be touched without seeing body parts in front of their eyes?

I agree that such violent images do create a mass reaction protesting against it (regardless of a counter-reaction), but what happens when the emotional reaction fades away? When the war is over? We cheer up and go back to our normal state of carefree?

I also agree that an image can be very expressive, and I agree that every human has the right to be informed.

I'm not against the use of war images, I'm just against the use of human corpse' images, for many reasons. One of those reasons is the fact that it just feels too commercial. As if it's a race to show the best picture with the corpse that would attract the most, to gain more readers, more viewers.

But mainly I'm against it out of respect for the body itself. The one of the eight dead kids of the Sammouni family, laying in the garbage one week after, or if the newspaper was paid a lot of respect, it would be used to clean windows. With the blood of those eight children, many ladies around my country would be cleaning their windows, or their coffee tables, in one week, or at most in two months.. For those who don't use newspapers as a cleaning tool, garbage would be the best place, in very few houses it would go to recyclable garbage bin..

I'm against the broadcasting of the agony of men laying under tons of cast, and then dying right there in front of viewers' eyes, so that we could zap later on to watch another episode of the dubbed Turkish series, or maybe another new hit to clear our mind off..

But I guess, I could protest as much as I want, at the end of the day, there are millions of people waiting for the next shocking picture from Gaza to riot about it, and on the other side there are networks always concerned about doing their job, and giving the audience what they want..

Just a thought: if my house was ever bombarded by a "barbaric enemy", and if I was killed, I would really appreciate it if you do me the honor of locking me away, of sparing me of human affection touched by my mutilated body..
Do me the honor of talking to people's minds instead of their hearts..

YOU and I

2009-01-12T20:56:00.002+02:00

In every YOU, there's a little bit of me there..

In every thought about anyone else, outside of me, is somehow always related to me..
I'm not egocentric, or self-centered.. Or maybe I just am, maybe we all are.. After all, there are more than 6 billions of us now, so how come we choose a certain "YOU"s to look at rather than others?.. How come I choose you to write about, and you to think of, and you to ignore?

In every you, there's a little bit of me.. And in all of us together, there's a little bit of someone else.. Maybe this seems just gibberish, to a lot of you, but I'm sure, many others of you will know what I'm talking about..

And there's also a little bit of you..

Reality Check

2009-01-06T21:51:00.003+02:00

I don't remember when was the first time I knew for sure that Santa Claus didn't exist. I guess I always had doubts, I always had questions like: What does he do the rest of the year? Where is his house on the map? How can he cross the whole world with one night? How come he's still alive? and so on.. So, it didn't come to me as a surprise when the time came and I've been informed that Santa is not real.

Then it was the time when I realized there was no tooth fairy. I wasn't surprised either, actually i was more glad. Everything related to dentists and teeth doesn't appeal to me.

Then the Easter Bunny. I never really understood what does the Easter Bunny do anyway, and i learned of his existence and non-existence in the same month.

But then it was time to realize that Superman is not real. I think this was one of the hardest things for me to believe. But then, like any grown up, I decided to accept the facts that deny his existence. And once again, i accepted that it's not real.

So I start 2009 by standing up for what I think is REAL. You can go away with all your facts, all your metrics, and all your statistics. For this year, I give up on being the realistic grown up, I give up on logic too. You can say I'm almost crazy, or maybe completely out of my mind, but you're no longer taking away from me what I feel is real.

Stolen Happiness

2008-12-29T14:17:00.003+02:00

I live in this part of the world where people get scared when they're happy...
Whenever they enjoy their time, whenever they feel really happy deep down, they'd say "Allah yestor" (may God save us from what may come).. Every feeling of happiness comes with a fear that what will come is definitely worse, that they ought to be punished for this feeling.. As if happiness can only be fulfilled in the dark alleys, at late hours of the night when everybody else is asleep, and noone there to witness.. As if the only safe place to be happy is in your closet, or in the basement.. And the best time is almost never..

I live in this part of the world where people feel they should steal happy moments that they're not entitled to live.. That they should secretly enjoy life, and never let anyone know it.. That they should never show any desires, and try to kill any pleasure they would have..

Yes, I live in this part of the world where people are afraid from the sun, afraid from feeling warm, afraid from enjoying the fresh breeze.. Where people try to burry their dreams and their hopes under the rugs.. Where you wipe off your real smile by a fake laugh..

It's in this part of the world where happiness is a crime.. Pleasure is a sin.. And dreams are nothing but foolish games to be thrown away.. Where insanity doesn't even make sense..

T.A.N.G.O

2008-12-27T20:40:00.002+02:00

Trying to pull closer, yet
Away we remain
Never on the same beat
Going each on his own way
Overwhelmed by shiny lights

Tango, we dance..

Homecoming!

2008-12-25T22:58:00.003+02:00

The journey started as we were running away from the night.. It was just crawling behind us, and the captain of the ship tried to speed as much as possible, and we stayed there for awhile, hanging on between the the day and the night, until, all of a sudden, it got completely dark.. As if the night was fed up with us trying to play with our little aircraft, thinking we could beat the time, thinking we could be the night..

So we landed, on a very dark night, quite cold one too.. And I realized that darkness is not as scary as it may seem.. In its own way, it gives you the sense of protection.. Along with the sense of apprehension, you cannot help but feeling that it's safe to be the real you out there.. In the dark, where nobody can truly see you.. I held the bag in one hand, my fears and my dreams in the second one.. And I walked into a city with a soul of its own.. A city I've never been to before, yet, cannot but seem very familiar.. And I knew I'm coming home..

Walking Away

2008-12-14T10:12:00.003+02:00

This is the first time I start writing by starting with the title. I always leave it to the end.. This time, there's nothing different about my life.. I guess there isn't anything new about yours either.. And even when there is, whether it's a joy or a sorrow, you remain yourself.. Broken into millions of pieces, and just trying to pretend you're an entity..

We're nothing but scatters in this universe.. Me, you and her.. Maybe there are those lucky few who figured it out.. But the rest of us are just standing here.. Next to me, lost in a universe they still can't get familiar with.. Lost in days that seem to be new, but are all the same.. Lost in this loop of emptiness.. Lost in translation perhaps..

We're nothing but scatters of universe.. Blown together, sometimes to the left.. Sometimes to the right.. And at the best of our times, we believe for few seconds that we figured it out, that we have a clue.. Then we look at the crowd around to realize that we're all nothing but scatters, lost in this loop that we call universe.. And we all think, for few seconds, that we figured it out..

And.. I'm walking away..
I'm sailing away..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - VII

2008-12-03T12:32:00.003+02:00

As Magenta was fading away, little light bulbs started emerging, creating one big curtain of dim light bulbs.. And, even though I normally don't use bad language, I couldn't help myself, I started swearing in so many languages.. I was hoping, even if for few seconds, I'd get to see the stars, I'd get to see the universe.. But maybe Lala Land is not part of a universe, is simply an entity by itself, without having to be part of something bigger. Maybe LaLa land is not even round.. But I miss the stars, I miss dreaming that far away lay all my dreams, and all my hopes.. And now all I have are those stupid light bulbs staring at me, telling me to go home.. Or to whatever it is that I have here..

CouCou on the other hand seems to have liked the word "SHIT" and he kept repeating it all the way back to my place. And just before I walk into my room, I turned to CouCou, and laughed. This was the first time I laugh on LaLa Land, first time I feel alive here, but it never felt more lonely, before I knew there were prototypes just like me. But now I'm a lonely Stella, with no one except CouCou to let me know I exist. I turned to CouCou and said:
- You know CouCou, you don't really have to stay.. You can leave if you want, just fly away..
He stood there staring back at me, so I insisted:
- I'll give you few more minutes to think about it, I'm serious, you can leave. You're free CouCou, you can leave me anytime you want
and CouCou replied:
- No I want to stay!
I was shocked, because it seemed as if CouCou meant it, as if he could really talk and think, but then I tried to reason, and it is possible that I taught him this word back on Earth. Which seemed even more pathetic, so I decided to be more optimistic and consider CouCou as a thinking creature, so I said:
- Well, suit yourself, but now you're stuck with me forever!
- "SHIT!" he replied.
I laughed and said: "yeah, well you are definitely a reasonable creature!"

As I opened the door to my room, on of my favorite songs sounded out. It was Franky singing to me and CouCou: "Fly me to the moon, and let me sing among the stars.. let me see what spring is like, on a.. Jupiter a Mars.."

And I danced the "light bulbs" away..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - VI

2008-11-30T22:47:00.004+02:00

Dear Diary,

As I walked around LaLa Land, feeling enlightened, I decided I'm no longer aiming to become a girl, being an enlightened prototype made me feel complete, made me feel that becoming a girl was only the logical next step for those who didn't know better. And now, I know better!

My first decision was to pick a name for myself, and for the parrot as well. Now that I have someone who could call my name, I should pick a name I'd like to hear. It's not easy to pick a name, it's something that will stick with you for the rest of your life, it's who you will be from now on. That was a tough decision!

It still is a tough decision, since I haven't figured out yet what to call myself. Maybe, Stella.. It was a name I used to like, and I used for a while during my life on Earth. Yes the voices told me my life on Earth didn't exist, but it did. I was there, but I'm here today! And that's what they meant, that what really matters is TODAY, right where I stand. Today, I stand on the edge of the world, Lala's world, in a magenta sky, with a color fading slowly and slowly, announcing the end of the day..

I never knew what the sky looked like when the day ended, so I stood there, with Coucou on my shoulder, gazing at a sky that can never become familiar, fading away into what I will soon discover..

There goes my heart..

2008-11-25T10:27:00.001+02:00

There he stood in the hallway of my hollow heart; Hesitating to move forward, but too late to go back.. And I couldn't even invite him in either. It was too late to ask him to go back, but I'm not sure I'd want him in either.

My hollow heart was just full of crap nowadays, I wasn't sure he'd fit in anyway. Where does he stand from all this nonsense that goes inside my head? Where do I stand from all this void that keeps growing bigger and bigger?

The thing about void is that it's just as filling as all the other crap in the world, it's an emptiness that leaves absolutely no space for anything else, let alone anyone else, not even your own self!

And it just grows bigger..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - V

2008-11-21T13:49:00.004+02:00

Since it's been a while that I left this Diary, I feel it's important to remind myself of where I last stopped:
..."Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"

And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"

<<<<<< Dear Diary,

That was the defining moment of my life, the moment where I chose that AGONY might have the real joys of life, at least for me. The moment where I decided not to limit myself with common sense, since anyway, I was always senseless to the common.

And as my common sense was telling me to walk away from the room, and from the voice, I knew, in my crazy distorted logic, that I have to go in. That it's time to meet my fears, to meet those thoughts that were controlling my life, those standards set by "them". It's time to meet "them". So I walked in.

I don't know if my general sense of dark humor that made me laugh, or if it was just my greatest disappointment acting up! I expected to walk into something scary, and I walked in to find a parrot. A beautiful parrot, a colorful one if I may say. I've never seen on LaLa land any other form of living creatures. It was just a parrot making me live the illusion of life here, and the memory of life there.

I thought I existed, back on Earth. I still think I exist here on LaLa Land, but is this reason enough to mean that I'm really here? That I was really there?

I asked the Parrot, but apparently, he never had any answers, he only had these last words: "I'm not here to answer new questions, I'm here to remind you of your own old answers".. He reminded me of nothing! Except, perhaps, that trip to the zoo. I still can't tell if it was on Earth, or if it was here..

But since my common sense was guiding me to dig more and more about the parrot, I decided to let it go, follow my madness, and just take the parrot as it is, put it on my shoulder, take a deep breath and step out of the room..

I turned my back, and stepped into a world of magenta sky, with the parrot on my shoulder..

A.B.S.U.R.D

2008-11-20T11:47:00.002+02:00

It's raining today, the winter took a bit of time to come this year, it's slightly cold, but deep inside, it just feels colder and colder than every other year.
What I like most about the weather is that it's always the greatest material to start a topic, in my case today, to start a feeling, to develop a dream.. Perhaps, to fall in love as well. Perhaps to just have something to talk about.. Anything to live for, anything to die for...
Actually, I'm not really looking anymore for any reason for any.. Not everything in life needs to be justified. I live, I die, I didn't need a reason to breathe in the first place, why would I need one now? And when I die, it wouldn't be my choice either, so again, why waste time finding reasons for that? Why waste time pushing meanings into what completely was, and will always be ABSURD!

من؟

2008-11-20T09:46:00.001+02:00

من ؟
سيحتوي أزماتك ، ويعيد إبتساماتك
و يكون "المايسترو" الذي يقود عجقة حياتك ؟
من سيوصلك الى حلبة الصراع! منتصرةً سلفاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

من؟
سيقاوم ضعفك، ويحتويه بحنان وصدق !
ويغرقك بكلمات الحب دون البوح بها
من سيتهاوى على جسدك الرقيق، كفراشة تداعب بجناحيها ورق الياسمين
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

من؟
يعرف لحظات جنونك وسكونك
وفي غيابك يفتقد وجودك؟ وفي حضرتك يستأنس
من سيرتقي بك لحدود الغيم، حيث النجوم تتدلى مصابيح للكون
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

من؟
سيفرض عليك قوانينه ، وتقبلين بها
من سيخترق أفكارك ويعرفها قبل أن تصل لإدراكك
ويلعب بمشاعرك، كعازف الكمنجة الحزين.
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل !

من؟
سيستفز كبرياءك، ويستنفر طاقاتك، لإثبات ذاتك؟
من سيكون الربان لحياتك، وقائد جيوش القوات الخاصة لمحاربة أعدائك؟
من سيملأ قلبك بأغاني الشوق، ومشاعر لم يشعر نها حالم
من سيداهم أوهامك، ويقلبها واقعاً
من هو هذا الاخر، من هو هذا الدخيل!

بقلم هاني زيادة

A Shooting Star..

2008-11-11T08:44:00.003+02:00

It's been a really long time I haven't experienced little girls' excitement over what may seem not so interesting events, but that would mean the world to them..

Yesterday, I saw a shooting star.. I don't recall if I made any wishes, maybe I did as a first reaction, but it's not about ceasing the opportunity to try to push your wish around the universe; it's about that little hope only a dying star can give you..

My shooting star was so fast like a glimpse of an eye, so quick that for a second there I thought it's only an optical illusion. But deep inside, right there in the back of my mind, I knew I saw it, moreover I knew I need to believe in it. I need to believe that some things don't happen on a daily basis, not even annually, but eventually, one day they will happen. One day I will happen.

My shooting star came at one of the moments when I use the darkness to hide my tears, when I crawl in the backseat of a car, holding my fragile soul in my hands, and offering it to the wind of the unknown growing stronger with the speed of the driver.. And my fragile soul shaking, and just as I was putting my hands out of the window, to let the stream take it away, along with everything else, a star decided to die.. A shooting star decided to save my soul, to let me know that it will happen, that I will happen.

So I took my soul back, my fragile soul. Looked back at the sky, perhaps hoping for another star to fall off, but I knew I shouldn't push my luck that much..
So I turned my eyes back on the road, that long road ahead of me...

Google ME..

2008-11-07T22:12:00.002+02:00

No, not the Middle East.. ME, as in myself..
No, not my name either..
Not my achievements.. Not my failures..
Just me..

Google me, and find me..
Find me what I want..
Find me what I feel..
Browse through my options..
Check my potential..
Explore my dreams..
Unveil my future..
Look through my past..

Google me
And tell me where you find me..
Tell me what you see of me..
Tell me what's left of me..

In a world no longer mine..

2008-11-07T00:28:00.002+02:00

And I can see myself, barely moving.. Just like those slow motion scenes in the movie "The Matrix", I move ahead slowly towards my greatest crash against the world.. A world no longer mine.. And as I collide, the shock wave blows me further and further away.. Almost, just almost to where I want to be.. But not quite there yet..

Stuck in the middle of nonchalance and absence.. Where nothing ever needs to have any meaning, and a day never needs to have a tomorrow.. Just with no dreams, and no memories, watching myself, barely moving.. In a world, no longer mine.. In a world that never was mine..

Planetary Tour..

2008-10-24T12:51:00.011+03:00

This used to be my place when I want to scream.. I climb up the ladder and sit at the edge of the Moon.. But whenever I settle down, and get ready to shout, I noticed that huge blue ball, and just think how amazing it is to have your entire world at the size of a football, and that you feel you can just kick it anytime you like..

This used to be my place when I want to think.. I'd jump off the moon to land on Mars, and just take a walk, exploring the wilderness where nothing wild exists, except my thoughts..

And that one right there is where the heart is, on the dark side of Uranus, hiding away under the blue, burdened with all the sadness in the world, with all the fears, all the worry, but more with all the joy and all the love in it..

Can you see that little one right there? The one with the big hallow around it? That's where the dreams are, with a shock-wave around them to protect them from reality.. on Saturn..

And Jupiter, just between my thoughts and my dreams, standing there holding my confusion.. That's where I go when I want to enjoy the beauty of feeling completely clueless and lost..

There's Venus too for feeling clueless, but it's mostly to feel a girl.. It's good from time to time to feel girly..

Mercury just ahead Venus, is for serenity, is when you know you're almost there..

Neptune, the other blue ball next to Uranus, that's my peace of mind there..

But can you see Pluto out there? The furthest of them all? Yes that little deserted ball in the end! That's where I take you!! Beyond my success (Mercury), beyond my silliness (Venus), beyond my world (Earth), beyond my frustration (moon), beyond my thoughts (Mars), beyond my fears (Jupiter), beyond my dreams (Saturn), beyond my heart (Uranus), my coward heart (the dark side of Uranus), and my peace of mind (Neptune).. That's where I take you..

حنين إلى نفسي

2008-10-23T10:36:00.003+03:00

أتوق إلى الجنون الذي لن أعيشه إلا معك، أتوق إلى هذا الشعور بألم المعدة، كما لو أن أعضائي الداخلية تتضخم و تتضخم حتى يكاد قفصي الصدري يتفكك، كما لو أن عظامي تُسحق تحت خفة مشاعري.. هذا الشعور بالتحرر، هذا الشعور بأن رئتاي لا تؤدي وظائفها الحيوية إلا قربك.. بأن الحياة لا تبدأ إلا حين تطل عبر ذلك الباب الذي أقضي الصباح كله أراقبه، و لا تكتمل معانيها إلا حين ترفع رأسك لتلاحظني.. هذا الشعور بأنك الوحيد الذي تستطيع أن توقف دورات عقلي، ليعيش كل شيء آخر فيّ

أتوق إلى هذا الحب الذي لن أعيشه إلا لك، إلى سعادتي بانعدام كياني كلما تدير ظهرك لتخرج عبر الباب ذاته الذي يبدأ عبره وجودي، إلى إحساسي بالاكتمال حين تقبل يداي، و نشوتي بتلعثمي حين أحاول أن أبادلك أطراف الحديث

أتوق إلى حين كنت امرأة و ليس مجرد آلة تتحكم بجميع أحاسيسها و أفكارها و أحلامها.. إلى حين لم يكن هناك إحساسٌ إلا لك، و أفكارٌ سوى عنك، و أحلامٌ إلا معك.. أتوق إليها و أشتاق إليك و أحنّ إليّ

My Heart..

2008-10-22T10:03:00.000+03:00

My heart is as light as a soap bubble
I watch it go up, higher and higher
And then, it just pops..
Vanishing, as if it never existed
As if it was always invisible to you
As if it was never noticed..

My heart is as fragile as a light bulb
I watch you throw stones at it
And then, it just pops..
Shattering, as if it was nothing
As if it was always scattered
As if it was never whole..

My heart is as heavy as a rock
I watch it stand on the edge of the world
And then, it just drops..
Sinking, deeper and deeper under water
As if it was always at rock bottom
As if it never saw the surface before..

And then, it just stops!

Just a smile away..

2008-10-18T10:47:00.003+03:00

It's hard to recognize you anymore.. nor myself.. It's like two different worlds drifting apart.. and apart.. We were never soulmates; that, I'm sure of! But you were always there to make it worth the stay, and I was always there to make the walk count..

Just like two lost souls souls hanging on to each other, until either one of us finds his own way.. I must say I don't think you found yours, even though you always pretended to have.. You were always certain, I was never sure! And that's why we were perfect: you to give me reassurance, and me to give you doubts.. And everyone else thought there were more into us, more than just two lost souls leaning on each other, until either one of us finds his way..

Just two lost souls who thought they had it all, but never really knew what to do about it.. And today, we're drifting further and further apart, with no possibilities ahead to meet again.. But then again I'm never sure, and you're always certain.. Always certain that you got it all figured out.. And I'm always sure we got it all wrong.

Then a little lost soul walks by, smiling.. It just seems it had it all, it just seemed nothing was wrong.. And now I'm sure, making sense was no more than just a smile away..

All that she wants..

2008-10-12T22:57:00.002+03:00

She came to me and told me: I want to be whole!
And I didn't know what to tell her, I've never been whole, or maybe I was, but it's been a really long time that I don't know anymore..
She was standing there, with tears in her eyes, looking up to me as if I held the answers of all her troubles, as if I can just wipe all her tears away, and make her smile.. As if I was her only hope, her last straw to hold on to life.. And I just didn't know what to tell her..

She grabbed on to my skirt and asked me: show me how to be complete! Tell me how I can be strong like you? Tell me how I could figure it all out, just like you do!
And I didn't know what to tell her! That it's just a fake cover I hide my little lost soul behind? That I'm not an entity by myself, that I'm not as strong as she may think? Or that for each warrior, a time of the day comes where he needs to rest, and she just needs to rest now? And that she'll be whole again when she steps back into the battlefield?

I didn't know what to tell her then.. I still don't know what to tell her now..
Maybe, that it just.. sucks, all this confusion..
It just sucks!

Reflection..

2008-10-10T00:09:00.004+03:00

As I look at my reflection in the mirror,
And watch it fade away,
Little by little..
I know I'm on my way..

As I look for my reflection in your eyes,
And see it's no longer there..
Little by Little,
I realize you're on your way..

I go back to my mirror,
To ask my reflection,
Which is no longer there:
Have I lost my way?

Unbalanced..

2008-10-07T14:24:00.003+03:00

It was just today that I realized equilibrium was something I never had, and free fall is something I only have with you..

"And I know I'm not falling in love.. I'm just falling in pieces", from the song "Wreck of the Day".

I guess it's nothing but a refreshing fall, where your lungs open up, and you just scream your heart out, and you feel alive. Then you come back to earth, to stand up unbalanced. But it doesn't feel weird, it's like you spent your entire life, lacking of equilibrium, overwhelmed with abnormalities.

Fragile, as if a gentle summer breeze would be enough to roll you over, but it doesn't.. And you keep standing, unbalanced, carrying the burden of your own abnormalities.. And the last thing i remember of you is your image standing on one foot, carrying the world in one hand, my heart in the other, and trying to catch a fly with your tongue..

A free fall is something I'll only have with you, because no one is more unbalanced than you are to understand perfectly that equilibrium is not made for girls like me.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

2008-10-02T16:20:00.004+03:00

"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

It's really great for the person who wrote those lyrics to know that someone felt his existence through his words. That even though he walked alone, he was noticed; but mostly, he's not alone out there.. He's just on his own road, and other people live the same way, carry on through the day without having any reasonable end in sight; typing their heart out, without really knowing how it will end..

"I walk these empty streets, on the boulevard of broken dreams"

It's sad really to wait for a song to remind you of all the dreams you left behind, the ones that you don't even dare to have, the ones that you were too weak to hold, and those you were too naive to believe in..

"I'm walking down the line, that divides me somewhere in my mind"

It's really fucked up to get yourself psychoanalyzed on the beats of a guy who has more make-up than yourself, especially when you're a girl..

"Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone"

- As it may seem obvious: written while listening to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by GreenDay -

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - IV

2008-10-01T10:08:00.003+03:00

Dear Diary,

I always wake up not feeling myself. Ever since I've been here, I've been wanting to leave. I just can't really adjust to all these changes, at least not at once. But mostly, I don't even know what I am to feel myself; "They" don't even know what I am yet, how would I?

Being a prototype is like having to be there, without ever being there. I walk as if I'm an invisible person, if we were to believe that I'm a person. I don't drink, I don't eat! Oh how I miss the filthy pleasures of life on earth!

Anyway, so I'm not myself today, like everyday. I get out of bed and walk towards the dressing room; in LaLa Land, we don't need to go to the bathroom, since we don't eat, there's nothing to digest, there's no morning breath to wash your teeth for, and we don't wash up our faces, we just change one everyday. So, I match my skin color to that of the sky. It's magenta today, we can wear whatever we want, as long as it's not magenta, nor red, nor yellow, nor purple, nor blue, nor black, and nor pink. So I decided to wear a lower half of orange, and an upper half of white. I never mix, so today might be a good day to start something new.

And now I stand in front of my set of feelings. In LaLa Land you have either this or that. Life is either black or white, whereas life on earth is a greater shade of grey. So I either have the choice between happy or sad, calm or mad, good or bad. There's also the combo packages, for lazy prototypes like myself who just don't see the use of being too picky. I only have two choices of combos: Euphoria or Agony. I always pick Euphoria, I think everyone else does too. But nothing ever changes, I always remain feeling-less. Maybe those feelings buttons are not operating yet, or maybe, and this just struck me, feelings on LaLa Land are different from earth, like everything else. We instinctly choose Euphoria because we relate to what we aimed for on Earth. As I feel enlightened, and excited, which is quite new to feel on LaLa Land, I reach out to AGONY!

And BOOM! A sirene starts beeping louder and louder and louder, and all of a sudden I see myself walking towards the auto-destruction room. I've never been there before, I thought about visiting this room that lays in the heart of my own home so many times, but I never had the courage; I had the reasons, but never the courage. And now I'm walking there, when I absolutely have no reasons to, this was the first time I feel excited about being here, the first time I feel myself here, then why on Earth am I going to that room? And why am I not able to control my body?

Am I going to be terminated? Am I going to start a new life as a girl or a boy? Perhaps it's the room where you move from prototypes to an actual being? Why on Earth am I going there?

- "Oh will you stop swearing in the name of Earth?" a voice came out of the room! "Earth does not exist anymore, your life on Earth never existed before; you had the reasons before, but it's not about the reasons, never was about logic.. It's about you daring to cross that thin line between logic and utter madness, it's about you daring to change your choices!"

And all I can think to myself is: "are "They" talking to me?"

- To be continued! -

Tomorrow, Tomorrow.. I Love Ya, Tomorrow..

2008-09-25T07:23:00.003+03:00

I never really write about love.. And when I do, it's never really about me.. It's always about someone else.. It's always about a book, a movie, a fictional character.. Sometimes about a friend.. Sometimes about other emotions, that people mistakenly take for my own feelings of love..

I never really was in love before.. I never really wanted to either.. I don't know where it came from, but I always looked at love as a weakness.. One that I'm too strong to have.. One that I could never allow myself to have..

Love for me always ended the second I felt it's about to start.. And I never even got there, to the point where it would feel it's about to start.. I always pushed "temptation" away.. I guess I never wanted to feel dependent of anyone's existence.. or anything.. I wouldn't want to stop breathing whenever they'd walk away.. I wouldn't want to be crying, at least not anymore than I already do.. But I guess the main problem is that I wouldn't want to be happy either.. Happiness just seems to come with a great fear of loosing it all.. And I want to be fearless..

I never really was in love before.. And the few times I pretended I wanted to, were just very rare times when I wanted to be normal.. Just like everyone else.. But I wasn't.. I'm not.. I was fearless, I am fearless, and love was just a weakness that I couldn't have

Love for me always ended before it begun.. The second I would start smiling just at the sound of your name..

But there's something different today.. Today I write my own love story, the one that hasn't started yet, but the one that wouldn't be over.. at least not yet..

Love doesn't sound like a weakness anymore.. I guess when you have to grow up so soon, you just become an expert in lying to yourself.. And someone once told me that the worst sin that could ever be, is lying to yourself.. And to think that the second he said that, I was really proud, for just a second there, because I thought I was truly honest inside.. When in fact, that was just another lie, piling up with lots more to help me get through the day.. Just like the lie of me not wanting to have love in my life.. But moreover, not even needing at all..

I still believe it's not the end of the world to end up alone.. But I really believe it would be a better place if you have someone right there to fill it.. I would love to feel complete.. And to stop hiding away from life.. Because life happens, either way.. It's just a shame to miss the thrill ride and stay where you are watching it pass by simply because you're too scared to throw up..

Today I write my own love story.. The one that hasn't begun yet.. But the one that definitely will, one day..

Almost, but not quite..

2008-09-21T20:34:00.002+03:00

I spent this weekend in the capital, where I lived 4 years of my life, and which I left 2 years ago. I've been there throughout the past 2 years, but I guess I was more optimistic about this visit, thinking there should be more life than the past 3 unstable years. But I was wrong, and I couldn't help but wonder why was I optimistic to begin with. Maybe I'm just trying hard to believe in our new President. But I guess like all previous presidents, prime ministers, and other political leaders in my country, it's just not gonna work out between us. But I know I could be dreadfully picky sometimes!

So after a short weekend full of reminiscence and great memories of the old Beirut, the one that used to be at least 4 times crowded than now. The one where it felt safe for a girl like me to wonder alone, even at late hours of the night. I remember when I used to say that Beirut is lovely, if only it was less crowded. I didn't realize back then that the beauty of capitals is how crowded it could be, how wonderful it is when you find a quiet street after spending half an hour in a suffocating traffic. I didn't think I'd miss waiting in line for my American Coffee at Starbucks, or that I'd love to go to a restaurant where they'd kick me out because I have no reservations..

It's just not the same.. And it's just sad.. Walking into a city in agony..

Great Expectations

2008-09-18T14:46:00.002+03:00

"Great Expectations Lead to Great Disappointments.."

I don't even feel like elaborating on this.. It just is! Should I change the expectations in order to become less of the failure I am?

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - III

2008-09-17T14:46:00.002+03:00

It's Yellow day.. It's that day of the year where everyone who's supposed to die dies.

"They" decided it's more appropriate if people mourn on the same day, and if people faced the fear of dying once/ year only. If you wake up to see the yellow sky, you know that for sure you have another year to live, which by the way, happens to be formed of 30 terrestrial days. Knowing the exact year you'll die in, is a privilege that comes when you purchase your "eternal knowledge" package, which is only available for senior LaLa landers, and not for prototypes like myself.

Personally, even if I were authorized, I wouldn't purchase that package. I think my experience on Earth taught me not to fall for shiny titles. An ETERNAL knowledge that will let me know when I will die. PFT! A new way to make us more uncertain on whether we're ephemeris, or not..

I wouldn't want to know when I'd die, my life will be over the second I'd know. It will be a series of preparations for death. And I wouldn't want to be one of those who never realized how important it is to seize the day and live their lives to the fullest, until they're sure it's over..

I was born sure that it will be over.. So I wake up to see the Yellow sky.. I look outside the window, and try to guess where the sun is.. I wonder why "They" never changed the sun... "They" either turn it on or off, but it still seems like the same sun I used to know.. I just no longer have the same skin to enjoy it..

As I watch prototypes passing by, confused on whether they should be mourning or celebrating their retention of life, I couldn't help but smile. We're played beautifully indeed: "They" gave us one day to mourn when in fact there's noone to mourn! I don't even know the name of my Green Boy, I was sure I'll never see him again, as emotion sensors would not allow us to be in the same area. I don't know any of those prototypes passing by, not even the girls, and nor the boys, and never will. They could die, or not, noone would really know. All we could know is we're alive. I'll never understand why "They" do the things "They" do.

But as long as it's Yellow Day, I might enjoy my time trying to guess where the sun really is..

Rehab..

2008-09-15T06:28:00.002+03:00

It's 6:15AM, of a Monday morning. I'm not awake because it's a working day, I happen to have the luxury of not having to wake up before 8:30AM, which is in two hours from now..
After a night of agony, where I barely had no more than 15 minutes of sleep, not that I remember any sleep at all, I lay awake wondering if I should keep trying to sleep, or if it's not really worth it anymore.

I wonder as well if it was a wise decision to decide to quit pain killers, live with the pain, and keep the brain. I wonder if it's not too late to change my mind. But then again, the morning sun tells me that i made it through the night.. That I survived..

We sometimes overrate our ability to accept certain things in life, or underestimate how strong they could be. I think I had an overdose of pain that is making me question whether watching a new sun rise really means I survived, or if I'd be able to get up in couple of hours and head to work, and if so, would I be able to make it through the short 6 hours' schedule that suddenly seems too long for a routine.

Pain killers.. I can't even remember why did I decide to fight them like a brave soldier to begin with.. It's as if I woke up to a pain that seems to be growing exponentially.. I feel like a drug addict, but I think they feel even worse, trying to get through rehab. I think I should use the "light at the end of the tunnel" technique, but I only see more pain in the end..

Maybe it's just a lack of sleep.. I'm sure it will pass, it should pass.. I'm just trying to reach out for a void that seems to be fit enough for me to scream my heart out, cry my heart out, so I could get up in couple of hours, get dressed, and head to work those 6 short schedule hours..

I will survive.. I must survive.. But that overdose of pain, along with a light sleep night really have a great effect on making you question your abilities, your motives to begin with, but mostly your sanity..

On a Sunday Morning..

2008-09-14T12:33:00.003+03:00

It's a Sunday morning, once again.. The morning where I wish you're here to wake me up, with soft kisses perhaps, or maybe with gentle hair strokes.. And I'd smile for you, with my eyes shut, giving you my approval for more pampering..

Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I long for you, even if for few minutes, even if fore few seconds before opening my eyes up to realize, you're not there.. You were never there.. And you might never be there either..

Sunday mornings, the only time of the week where I mourn your absence , even if for few minutes, even if for few seconds..
I knew yesterday, before going to bed, that this morning, it will not be too easy to shake you off my life, off my thoughts and off my dreams.. Still, I couldn't help but to long to be devastated by your light presence along with this gentle autumn sun..

Yet, I end up smiling, after realizing that you're not there, that you were never there.. But you still have a way of making my day, on those Sunday mornings..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - II

2008-09-13T23:53:00.002+03:00

Dear Diary,

As I walked down the street of my daily routine life, with a beautiful blue sky, and a sun well shining, I suddenly smelled fresh baked Blueberry muffin. It all seemed too good to be true, just like my morning back on earth. But I knew that here on LaLa land, we don't have fresh baked blueberry muffin, I think it was just a technical mistake They've made.. Or it was maybe just me being too reminiscent of my old days.

Those very few seconds of longing for a blueberry muffin made me realize I should stop living in the past. I'm no longer a terrestrial, I should deal with it. Life in LaLa Land is not really bad, everyday we have a new sky color; it never rains (something I hated back on earth, but apparantly I miss it while it's gone); it's never cold and never hot, always mild; no earthquake nor LaLaquakes; no global warming; no economic recession; no presidential elections; etc..

I'm a Lala prototype X now, and I should act upon it! Maybe I should consider enrolling in one of those rehab programs tailored to help Prototypes "take that step" into becoming who they were supposed to be. Being a girl on earth wasn't so tempting, perhaps here it would be different.

Maybe it's time for me to finally meet my destiny..

Diaries of LaLa PrototypeX - I

2008-09-11T16:07:00.003+03:00

Dear Diary,

I woke up today early as usual, but it was dark today. So I reached for the Sun to turn it on, the switch wasn't working. And you just know I don't like getting up when it's still dark, so I decided to use my telepathic function one hour earlier to try to reach the Sun maintenance department, it turned out the Sun was working just fine, it's just that today is Purple Sky Day, so the Sun's light cannot be as strong as usual, because they wouldn't want the sky's color to fade.

How did I forget about this day, it's the day I hate the most out of the year, I prefer the day when the sky is green, I can even tolerate it when it's red, but PURPLE! I never liked that color when I was on earth either, but I guess there's nothing I can do. I'll never know how they decided on the sky colors, nor why did they decide to change it everyday to begin with. At least, they provide us with calendars ahead in time, so we could match our skin color accordingly. The thing is, for Purple skies, girls get Pink, boys get Green, and prototypes can get the shades of what they were supposed to be. So now you know why I hate Purple day? Because being a Prototype X means I have to be any shade of Pink, a color I could never be with the sort of tan I have. I guess being a girl is a luxury the working class cannot afford.

So I tried to put on some Pink powder, which made me look like a clown, and went out, with my dark skin, fake pink face, and a purple sky.

I was sure the Fashion police will arrest me today, so as I was walking as fast as I can, I stumbled and was this close of falling into pieces if it wasn't for this beautiful Green boy who grabbed me in the very last second before I hit the ground.

Maybe Purple days are not so bad afterall..

It's that time of the night..

2008-09-10T01:28:00.004+03:00

It's that time of the night, where you turn off the lights and lay awake, getting ready to sleep.

Some are blessed with the ability of sleeping the second the lights are off, others are blessed with the ability to sleep even with the lights on; and others are blessed with the ability to stay awake, with eyes wide open, enjoying the darkness.

Darkness can be really beautiful when you dare looking it in the eye; it has a way of lighting your way.. I could say I developed a cozy relationship with the darkness that surrounds me. It's the one that listens to me going through what i've done during the day, or complaining about what I should have done. It's the one that knows the details of my future plans, the one to see a real smile of self-satisfaction, and the one to see me trying to smuggle my late night tears

It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and smile. It's that time when I smile, not of self-satisfaction, but because of all those little things that make it tough to live the day, of the minor details that help you pull it off, of the sweet dreams that give you the persistence to carry on, of the summer breeze coming gently in this hot summer night.

It's that time of the night, where I look my darkness in the eye and see it smiling back at me, just because of those little things you say to help me get through the day, of all the plans I make, of all the things that I am, and of that sweet tune playing softly in the background of this hot summer night.

It's that time of the night where I turn off the lights, look my darkness in the eye, and wish it good night..

S O S

2008-09-09T12:45:00.002+03:00

Mommy, it doesn't feel too good today
Here inside my head..
Everyhing seems to fall in decay
I'm slipping away, far ahead..
To a world, I'm not even sure exists..
And I want to hold on.. to anything..
But everything is slipping away..
And I try to grab.. to anything..
But everything is going to decay..

- Mommy, will you take my hand?
- But, baby girl, you've already slipped away..

It just doesn't feel too good today..
Here inside my head..

Shower Guy

2008-09-05T18:04:00.002+03:00

Couple of months ago, a friend of mine wanted to tour a friend of hers on our little city. And since she needed a tour herself as much as he needed, she called me up and I was their tour guide. Something I love to do whenever I get the chance, for no apparent reason, other than the fact that it's very amusing to see how people can perceive a part of your daily life as a totally new experience.

One of the most touristic attractions in my city, is "Khan Al Saboun", in other words, it's just a place where they sell hand made soap, with different shapes, different uses, and different scents. I have a collection myself, mostly Lavender and Amber, one of my two favorite scents, whenever I get a chance to smell.

So after our visit to the Soap Shop (my English for Khan el Saboun), the friend of my friend explained to us why he bought so many soaps. He told us the story of the shower guy, whom he met during a trip to india. He's a pro at telling stories by the way. So the story goes like this, as he was wandering in the streets of Mumbai, he couldn't help but notice this guy who held something under hir arm, so tight, as if it was a treasure, with a very big smile on his eyes. He was walking very quickly, but short steps. And my friend couldn't help but follow him, the guy had a very intriguing overall ora, and my friend is just curious. few steps later, the guy stops near a public waterspot (I'm not sure that's what it's called, but I'm sure you got the picture), he takes off his clothes and he starts rubbing himself with soap. My friend says he had never seen someone rub himself this much with soap, nor someone that happy and that eager to be taking a shower. He showed him how important a shower could be. That shower indian guy tought my friend that what we take for a daily normal act of personal hygiene, is a blessing we should be more aware of.

At that time, I just thought that my friend's friend just has a story for everything! Which I liked, to be fair. But today, after about 3 days or maybe more of stinkiness, and almost a coma, or was it more? Anyway, as I experienced an unconventional joy during my shower, where I felt that I wanted to thank everyone involved in the industry of shampoo and shower gel making, I couldn't help but remember my friend's story. I truly felt the blessing of personal hygiene!

Untitled - I

2008-09-01T16:12:00.010+03:00

Leila, a 33 years old, is now pregnant, with her 9th child. Her eldest, 16 years old, is now working. The rest, 14, 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3 years old, also work. Even her new born, I think he's about 10 or 12 months old, that she carries around in her arms. This family of 10 members, and a husband who lays back at home, work together, in their own family business. They are beggars!

They live in a tent, and they relocate according to seasons. I met Leila and her family in one of the most attractive summer destinations, in the mountains of my homeland. That's her forth year in a row she camps out there. According to her, business was good even during 2006, when there was war in the rest of the country.

I wasn't interviewing Leila officially, I was just in one of my chi-chat moods. Maybe that's what made her so elaborate in explaining her situation, or maybe because she sensed that I wasn't going to give her any money. I wasn't being mean or anything of the sort, I just don't like encouraging this line of business, and I think I was very firm and clear about my No to her, but in a friendly way.

So, back to Leila's family business. Apparently, the husband doesn't work, not because he's lazy (according to her), but because he needs to wander around each of the family members' locations. You see sometimes people pick up on them, sometimes someone might try to molest them, and "you never know, it's not a safe world anymore" someone might try to kidnap them and kill them to sell their organs. So, Leila continues by explaining: "my husband is a responsible man, and he needs to protect his family, he doesn't have time to work himself, and thank God, we're making enough money. Two years ago we bought a land property back home, and now we're trying to build up a building with one apartment for each of the children. That's why my kids work harder than the rest of the families, and they know how to talk to people, they know that the money they bring is not going to be wasted on an alcoholic father, like in other families i know. They know they're building their future, and they know their father is a responsible man indeed."

Leila and her husband are a very responsible couple indeed! It's undeniably true! They are building a future to their children, "unlike other families", and put aside the fact that they consider breeding as an investment, but life is about give and take. They're taking a little, but they are giving back, and plus it's not like they're stealing other people's quota of children. To each his life!

To each his life indeed. I don't even know if I should judge Leila and her husband for being lousy parents, or if I should blame the ministry of tourism for allowing such profession to exist to begin with, or if I should blame the ministry of social affairs for not providing such families with other alternatives, or if I should blame it on capitalist systems where wealth is not divided equally! But then again, Leila is now building her own family building; so, speak of wealth! I don't know if there's anyone to blame to begin with, or if I should even care!

But I do care! I do feel bad for those children! I do believe they should be in schools, having at least same opportunities as others! I do feel that it's completely unjust for them to be on the streets, working at that age, and in a profession with a lot and a lot of risks! But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to put food on his table! Or in this case, a child's gotta do, what he ought to do!

Tomorrow will not be a brighter day, and the world is not going to be a better place. At least, not yet!.. Perhaps, eventually!

Planetary Emergency

2008-08-29T15:30:00.005+03:00

Hmm...
So apparantly, now, we're facing a planetary emergency! That's what Mr. Al gore announced in his speech supporting Obama's nomination.

"Mr Gore added that the US was "facing a planetary emergency" and that the ties of Mr McCain and the Republicans to big oil firms meant they would not act to end the country's reliance on fossil fuels." - BBC News

It's funny that the US, across the world from me, suddenly doesn't seem to be that far away. In the States, same as here, politicians are pretty good (or not!) at raising big slogans: "We Need to fight corruption.. We need a change. We need to stand up for our rights. Freedom. Democracy. Liberty. Equality. Etc."

But I have to give Al Gore the credit for his insightful thought: We're facing a PLANETARY EMERGENCY!

And just like in commercials for magical detergents, a deep reassuring voice comes from far away, with sparkles all around: "Oh yeah! But, don't you worry! Vote for Obbama, he'll get you off this planet in a blink of an eye.. ermm.. I mean he'll get you out of this crisis!"

Hail The Savior.. Obama for Presidency!

World, Will You Hold On?

2008-08-28T15:32:00.002+03:00

When I try to remember my childhood, I get a visual of a tiny little creature, a little girl actually, who's quite quiet but she seems to be as large as the planet she's standing on, and she seems like she figured it all out. I remember I figured it all out..

The more I grow the more I realize, I'm years and years away from figuring it out. What's to figure out to begin with? I always knew there are things I didn't know, but now I'm not even sure of what I know.

It's like when I visit a link, and you click on another link, and another link, and then another, and then I end up with about 40 tabs opened on my Firefox browser, so I open Opera, to open another 30-40 tabs..

The tabs seem to grow in number, and my eyes don't seem to be able to grasp the content anymore.

I thought I knew, I knew I figured it out.. Now I know I don't, I know I don't know..

The visual I have now, is of a smaller creature, a smaller girl actually, with a world that never stops growing, exponentially! And she's running out of breath trying to catch it..

Forseen Heartbreak!

2008-08-26T16:41:00.004+03:00

So there's this little boy, who's not so little by the way, and he fell in love with this little girl.. The beauty of love is that it really brings up a smile on your face, even if you're not the one involved..
So let's establish first that I'm not that little girl, and you're not that little boy either..

This is the story of little love, a love so sweet that you really can't help but smile at it, you can't help but put more hope in it, and light its way.. Even though you're 100% sure that this love will not last, that it's too little to survive life, that it's just too young..

That little boy will grow up, so would that little girl, but that love will remain little; and the more they grow up the little it will become.. But you still wouldn't manage to be cruel enough to tell them now that it will end, that they will end, and that what now seems to them larger than life, will become as tiny as a shining star, in a far far away sky..
It will end; they will end; but you will still smile whenever you come across a little love..

It's not about the shit! It's about how you deal with it!

2008-08-23T20:40:00.007+03:00

Ok.. Let's talk about something serious today, something outside the center of my own personal existence. I know I write a lot about myself, and that this blog is called MY WORLD, as if I'm a solid entity by myself, able to exist isolated from the worlds around me. I wish.. We all wish we're that strong, we're that independent.. But when we are a world by ourselves, we're mostly alone, moreover, lonely..

Today, I talk about a neighboring world, in the real world. A country very well known around the globe as the land of the pharoes, the home of the pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world.
Egypt, located in North Africa, part of the Arab world, long known for the Nile, the longest river of the world, and even though the Nile crosses other countries (Ethiopia, Sudan, Eritria, Rwanda, Tanzania, Uganda, Burundi, Democratic Republic of Congo, and Kenya); but mostly, when we talk about the Nile, we get the image of Egypt, maybe because that's where it finally rests in Alexandria, but most probably because of the pharoes' legends, and religious legends..

In the Arab world, Cairo, the capital of Egypt, holds the title of "Omm El Donia" (i.e. The mother of the world). It's also known to be the number one producer of movies and TV shows. The homeland of great arab thinkers, and writers. The land of Oum Kolthoum, the Lady of Arab Tarab. And so on, Cairo seems to be the cultural city of the Arab world.
Why did I suddenly move from my world, to the egyptian capital? Haven't I got enough material to talk about Lebanon? Of course I do, Lebanon by itself needs years and years of writing.. But in my opinion, it would be useless time spent, since I myself, don't really get what's going in this fucked up world of mine. Not thta Egypt seems to be holding on better, or to be more understoodable, but, let's go back to Egypt.

Couple of days ago, in the peak of my disappointment moments from my country, I sat there, in front of the TV. Something I rarely do. And as I was zapping, just for the sake of zapping (it's a very relaxing exercise by the way), I fall on a really intriguing commercial!
Synopsis: a mother with a newborn visits a doctor. The newborn is crying, and the mother is confused and worried about her child. The doctor, while conducting the test, discovers that the mother is using rags instead of diapers!! And then teh doctor starts elaborating on the importance of the use of diapers.

The ad is part of an awareness campaign launched recently in Egypt to create awareness on the importance of the importance of the use of synthetic diapers instead of dishrags.

I thought I was very aware of the problems of under-developed countries, but to see such a campaign, and in Egypt?! I'm almost 25 now, and my mom used diapers when I was born! It brought me a whole new concept of under-development!

They do not only suffer from political corruption, from fake democracy, and so on, but they suffer from ignorance of the basic personal hygiene!

As selfish as this may sound, but this ad made me feel slightly better towards my country! How? Well, at least we use disposable diapers to wipe off the shit we have!

Dear Diary..

2008-08-21T21:05:00.001+03:00

Dear Diary,

I know I don't visit you much, and that probably I should call you "annuary" instead.. But I know you understand. The beauty of a diary is that it feels so intimate, so human. But most importantly, Diary can never be judgmental.. I think being judgmental is the worst a human be can be. It reflects how narrow minded he can be, how egocentric he can be, and how intolerant as well.

Narrow minded because he cannot open up to other mentalities, circumstances, and situations different from the ones he already knows.
Egocentric, because he's mostly judging according to his own personal standards, lifestyle, beliefs and so on..
Intolerant, because he simply can't accept the difference of the other, and the existence of this other while being different..

But I'm not here to talk about human behavior.. nor my behavior..
I'm here to lay my worries on you, knowing that you will not contribute in any solution.

Dear Diary.. As always I'm kinda lost.. The more answers I get, the more questions I ask.. I'm even re-questioning answers I thought I had already figured out.. i still worry too much about the future, I still worry too much about everything.. But mostly, I'm worried about myself...
I don't know how much more I can survive, or how many hits I can take.. I'm worried about the extreme reactions I'm getting.. I'm worried about the fact that I feel happiness at the peak of my worst moments in life. And that I take the liberty to feel sad, when everything seems to be working just fine.. Do I enjoy pain? Or Do i enjoy the challenge? Do I postpone my feelings of sadness for when I have the time and strength to face them? What am I doing to myself?

Sometimes I feel like I'm using me like one of those lab rats, where I keep testing the wrong reactors, and wrong solutions.. And the only results I get, come accidentally..
Then, at the peak of my confusion, the Super-Rary jumps right in: "That's not true Rary! You're a strong girl who can get everywhere she wants with just enough persistence, and a lot of bravery!"
And, then I think to myself: "PFT!! Great, I'm now schyzophrenic as well!"

Dear Diary, the joy in the world seems to be when I live on the edge of extremes.. The question remains: Do I survive? Will I survive?

Ronald and I..

2008-08-17T23:41:00.004+03:00

I've never been a fan of Mcdonalds. I can never swallow the food, if we can call that food! The Mcflurry is not that bad though.

But right now, I suddenly felt the need for Mcdonalds. Not the Big Mac, not the Mcflurry, and definitely not the McPlay area. But the need for that Ronald Macdonald!

I never sat next to him on that bench, I always found that yellow with red a little out of style. And I despised that stupid "I'm lovin' it" smile!

But for now, he's all I can think of. That little space next to him suddenly feels like the only place I want to be in for now.. This might sound desperate, to a lot of people. It sounds too desperate even for myself, but the story is far from desparation, and very far from loneliness.
As a matter of fact, the story is MY LIFE, and the truth is: "I'm lovin' it", and there's no smile to match the one I have now, except that of Ronald MCD!

Laundry

2008-08-16T21:04:00.005+03:00

I turn off the lights..
I turn off the music..
It's 9PM, still early for me to sleep..
I barely sleep either way..

Alone in the space of my own room, wanting to enjoy the silence.. My silence..
But I live in a crowded street, silence rarely drops by unless forced by some militia shootings..
And the sound of my washing machine.. In the next room..
I wanted to enjoy my silence.. my peace.. But it's just too loud! Too much noise..
I close the windows..
But, the sound of my washing machine..

"Exaspérée", and just as I decide to give up and turn on my music, It says: "DON'T!"
But there's no one around, except my washing machine..
Yet, it's hard not to figure it out.. You just know it.. The voice of your silence.. Coming deep from far away, from your anger and doubts, from your dreams, and your fears..

I exhale, in relief.. I've been trying to catch my silence for a while now.. I exhale, and I smile.. In the loneliness of my room, I'm happy.. Happy for my warrior is here.. Tonight..
"Now Now Baby girl! You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you? But I thought you'd forget about me, with your LOUD LOUD Summer, and Upbeat music! I thought wisdom holds no longer any taste for you.."
And I keep on smiling..
"Chupulu, I have few words to say to you before I go: Don't let go! You are a warrior, and you know it! So stop denouncing your fate, and live up to it! You don't know any better either way! So, Breathe! Stand up! Smile! And Fight! And most importantly, don't forget what you're fighting for! Don't engage yourself in meaningless battles! Just.."

Suddenly, the sound of my washing machine stops! Interrupting My silence!.. I have to go check on my laundry :)

Scream

2008-08-15T21:29:00.003+03:00

I'm itching.. Again..
The urge to write can be deadly sometimes. The need to organize my thoughts, my dreams, my life.. Everything is postponed, everything is useless, until I write down what I have to say. It's mystical in a way, because I can't really explain it.. It's just an urge that seems to be powerful enough to pause everything around it, and stop me right where I stand, freezing me on the spot until I get it out.. My life starts to pass in slow motion, my brain stops processing.. and the only thing that makes sense is a blank page to write.. an empty space to scream.

I think it all goes down to screaming.. Our first reaction to life: SCREAMING!
It doesn't need to mean anything.. It doesn't need to lead to anything.. Just a scream to say: "I exist! WORLD, hear me now! I exist!"

الراية البيضاء

2008-08-03T23:39:00.002+03:00

قررت أن نعلنها حرباً مفتوحة
فطوبى لك
ها أنا أكتب إلى ذلك الفتى الذي صنع أحلامي يوماً.. ها أنا أكتب إليك، اليوم.. أنت الذي صنعت أحلامي.. هذا صحيح! ثم تركتني لتشرب فنجانك القهوة، أتخبط وحدي، كلما احتجت إليك..
ها أنا أكتب إلى الذي كان موجوداً يوماً و اختفى أبداً، فما أنت فاعلٌ اليوم؟

قررت أن تعلن الحرب و تطالب بأملاكك؟ خذ الأحلام التي وهبتني إياها فقد أكل عليها الدهر..
خذها كلها فأنا بحاجة للمساحة التي تحتلها لأضع مكانها المزيد من جنوني، و المزيد من مجوني، و المزيد من وحدتي
قررت أن تحارب! فهنيئاً لك الساحة و المعركة و كل ما تريد.. فأنا لا أريد شيئاً.. سئمت منك و من غوغاء حروبك و حروب غيرك.. لم أكن يوماً محاربة، و لن أكون..
فدعوني أعيش بسلامي، و مخاوفي.. و مجوني

Rary Version 2.4

2008-08-02T05:25:00.000+03:00

My golden rule in dealing with any matter is: "when you don't know any better, simply stick to the basics"
However, even though this rule has proven its efficiency throughout the years, I'm starting to question the basics!

Every year I go through 2 phases of reassessment! one around new year, and another around my birthday, which happens to be in the middle of the year, so it's quite convenient!

This year, I'm looking forward to my birthday, which rarely happens. But this year, my life seems to be one of those Dewars ads: "Some age, others mature!"

23 felt old. 24 feels mature :) Perhaps because I accepted the fact that there will always be around 3 years of your life that you barely remember living, but you lived them either way, and perhaps because I realized that it's not as old as I thought it was. See, old for me, is when you become helpless, and unable to fulfill your responsibilities as you used to. At 23, I felt old, it's True! I felt helpless!

24 is just beautiful, bringing a lot of power with it, a lot of clarity, a lot of confusion as well. A beautiful confusion, one that makes you aspire for more living in order to resolve it.

I changed a lot over the past year, but mostly, I changed more over the years before. This year, I'm simply going back to the basics! It's true people should evolve instead of going back, but, you see, I tried to evolve so much thinking that what i had was very primitive, when in fact it's pretty evolved. Of course a little tweaking is needed from time to time, new things to be acquired, old stuff to be thrown away, but extreme makeover is no longer an option. It shouldn't have been an option. The best way to evolve starts by pinpointing your strengths, realizing where they come from, and where they can take you. And then you move to your weaknesses and decide how to overcome them. Most people go the other way around, I went the other way around, thinking that first you need to overcome your weakness. But when you do, without realizing your strengths, you'll feel kinda lost! So, first, build a home of strengths to run to when you're through of the battles against your weaknesses.

So this year, I'm back to my strengths, and to my weaknesses, trying to live in peace with my needs, my desires, and my goals.

طقوس تطهير

2008-08-02T05:22:00.001+03:00

إذا كان كل ما بيننا هو مجموع روايات مكتوبة بأسلوب ركيك تشكل عاراً على الأدب و عاراً على الحب، أظن أنه من الأفضل أن نشعل بها النار الليلة..

لا شيء كالنار يطهر.. لا شيء كالنار يستعرّ و يتآكل
يكفيني حتى الآن ناراً و أحقاداً تتآكل بداخلي.. أنا التي لا حول لي على الحقد..
قد آن الآوان لأضرم النار فيك و أطهر نفسي من دبق كذبك و نفاقك العالق على جسدي.. قد آن الآوان لأنفض غبار عفنك عن زوايا أحلامي، لأزيح بثقلك بعيداً عن طموحاتي.. بعيداً جداً
آن الآوان لتشتعل و تطهر نفسك مني..

آن الآوان لتيقن أنه لا يد لك في أي شيء جميل فيّ.. لتتوقف عن التبجح بأنك صنعتني و ما زلت تصنعني.. أنت لم تصنع سوى نسخة سوداوية مني.. سوى فتات امرأة تتبعثر كلما مرت سيارة مسرعة بجانبها.. لم تصنع سوى كائن دوني يكاد لا يصلح حتى لأن يكون حيواناً أليفاً.. سوى فتات امرأة!

آن الآوان لتحترق هي أيضاً، فهذه المرأة ترفض أن يرافقها فتافيت نساء، ترفض أن يرافقها أشباه رجال..
هذه المرأة ترفض أن تكون غلطة إملاء.. أن تكون عاراً على الأدب..

فلنضرم النار في رواياتنا الركيكة، يكفينا تجنّي على اللغات